For a number of years, I have kept two dictating machines on a table near my desk.  On the left side, there is a machine that I use to dictate what I hope is the final product for Mrs. Baker, the transcriber.  On the right side, there is a machine that keeps notes for titles for future essays.  This afternoon, I will try to take a few entries on the notepad and try to turn them into a single essay.
Now, with respect to the title, I realize there is probably a redundancy.  The term “quinella” comes from horse or dog racing.  Because I do not frequent dog racing or horse racing tracks, there may be a bit of confusion as to the actual count of the subjects that I will submit for your inspection this afternoon.
 
The first subject will be called “Virgins: Consummate and/or Perpetual.”
This story has to do with professional football.  The most successful quarterback, perhaps of all time, is a fellow named Peyton Manning.  For the last ten years, Mr. Manning has played for the Indianapolis Colts and has set all kinds of records.  However, last year he suffered a neck injury which kept him out of competition for the whole year.  When it came time to think about the 2012 season, the Indianapolis Colts decided that they no longer needed Mr. Manning.  However, his services were very much desired by several teams around the league.
The long and the short of it is that Peyton Manning was signed to a lucrative contract by the Denver Broncos.  The fact is that the Denver Broncos already had a quarterback named Tim Tebow.  Mr. Tebow had a spectacular career at the University of Florida, which he continued into his first year in the National Football League as a member of the Broncos.  Having two quarterbacks, the Denver Broncos traded Tebow to the New York Jets.  This means that they have transferred their problem with the dual quarterback situation to the Jets.
Mr. Tebow is a flamboyant character who wears his Christianity on his sleeve, on his pants, on his socks, and on any other garment that he can find to advertise his Christianity.  As soon as the trade was announced, Mr. Tebow cited a small clause of his contract that entitles him to get payment of about five million dollars if he is traded.  Stupidly, the New York Jets paid half the cost so that he could be released to them.
What the New York Jets are going to do with two quarterbacks, one freshly signed to a long-term deal, is open to question.  Mr. Tebow seems to think that he knows where he is going.  After the trade was announced, Mr. Tebow, the one who wears Christianity all over his uniform, said that he was a complete virgin and expected to remain in that state until his marriage.  There is no date set for his marriage.
The fact that Tebow said that he is a virgin will cause players and spectators in New York to comment endlessly.  I suppose that the Jet opponents, as they line up, are going to be asking, “Hey Tebow, are you getting’ any?”  The plain fact is that you do not walk into a professional situation in New York and announce that you are a virgin and expect to remain such until marriage.
The Jets already had a quarterback named Mark Sanchez, who must be feeling a bit left out.  He had just signed a three-year contract with the Jets and apparently the fact that the Jets acquired Mr. Tebow took him by surprise.  It took nearly every spectator by surprise as well.
The fact that Mr. Tebow has announced his virginity will be the subject of speculation and catcalls throughout the coming season.  I do not listen to pro-football games but given this amalgam of ingredients, I may start to listen to the Jets games in hope of hearing some hilarious comment.  I would say that it took surprising naiveté for Tebow to announce that he was a virgin and expected to stay that way.  But as I say, I will look forward to the coming of the 2012 pro-football season and hope to overhear some of the catcalls and the remarks of the reporters.
Well this is one bookend of the quinella that we have started for today’s essay.
 
I forgot perhaps to tell you in the beginning that these miniature essays have no relation to each other.  They are separate thoughts.  So that brings me to the question of church pews.  On Friday at noon time we attended, as we have for many years, a concert at the local Presbyterian Church.  There is nothing religious about these concerts, which are known as the “Brown Bag Series.”  Theory is that someone in Summit, New Jersey will bring lunch in a brown bag to hear the concert.  When I retired 28 years ago, I was wandering around Summit, New Jersey and happened to see a sign in front advertising the “Brown Bag Series.”  The concerts last only 45 minutes so that people can get back to work.  The ladies in the church make some nice sandwiches.  After Judy and I were married and she had retired, she became an enthusiastic supporter of the “Brown Bag Series.”  But that is not what I have in mind in this essay.
I am not a connoisseur of church pews.  Basically speaking, I am only acquainted with the church pew situation at the Presbyterian Church in Summit, New Jersey.  From time to time, we attend concerts in sanctuaries in some other churches as well.  But the question that I must ask is, “Why are the church pews so damned uncomfortable?”
In the church pew situation at the Presbyterian Church in Summit, New Jersey, there is absolutely no way that a man can be comfortable in the church pew.  I find that I am being bent over with my head sort of touching my knees.  I have attended concerts in the Presbyterian Church as well as in one Catholic Church.  I am here to report that every church pew is designed for torture.  I realize that there are many situations when the pews are supposed to hold sinners.  But I am in the church pew merely to hear a concert.  No more, no less.  When I leave the church pew at the end of the concert, I breathe a great sigh of relief.  But if the church pews are arranged for the discomfort of sinners such as myself, I would like very much for them to turn into comfortable chairs during the concerts that take place in the sanctuaries.
I know that nearly every church has pews that demand endurance from the torture that takes place when they are sat in.  I know that this will make no difference as to the comfort of the church pews but I thought it would be well to register my objections to their uniform torture.
 
The next subject in this extended essay has to do with names.  One of the distinguished gentlemen at the Summit Medical Group in the internal medicine department is named Lloyd Alterman.  There may come a time when I will ask Dr. Alterman what role the second “L” in his given name really means.  If he spelled his name “Loyd” the pronunciation would be identical.
While we are on the subject of names, we should give consideration to the name Aaron.  Again I must ask what the second “A” lends to the pronunciation of this name.
For some time at the Summit Medical Group, I have been a patron of a fellow named Dr. Tar.  When he has the time, I will ask him why he should not spell his name as Tarr.  On the other hand, Dr. Tar seems to be doing quite well using only the three-letter word.  But I should not press that case too far with Dr. Tar because the spelling of my surname has two “r”s in it.  I must ask what the second “r” lends to the pronunciation of Carr.
 
Now I hope that you will remember that each subject is sort of a different essayette.  I hope that you will recall that these essayettes have no underlying relation to each other.  They simply come from my notepad and I wish to dispose of them.
Now we turn to a Republican who wishes to succeed Barack Obama.  His name is Rick Santorum.  If I may say so, Santorum is a complete dunce.  Last week when he visited Puerto Rico, he announced that his listeners should all speak English.  The fact that Puerto Ricans have been speaking Spanish for perhaps 300 years made no impression upon this dunce, Rick Santorum.
A contrary position on speaking English can be cited.  Take my relationship to Antonio Salazar.  Antonio speaks English.  His father Romelio, does not.  But when his father and I meet, the greetings between the two of us could not be more cordial.  When we shake hands, I know that Mr. Salazar wishes the best for me and I wish the best for him.  If I have not pointed it out before, Romelio Salazar, as far as I know, speaks few words of English.  That is not quite true because he understands instructions.  But I suspect that he could not write a sentence in the English language.  The point is that he is a genuinely decent person who will not be made more so by his ability to master the English language.  Mark this one down as another flub by a dunce, Rick Santorum.
The final thought in this small series of essayettes would have to do with the Roman Pope visiting Mexico and then Cuba.  I have always called the Pope by his proper name of Joseph Ratzinger.  The fact that he has adopted a second name is of no consequence to me.  When we were engaged on the battlefield in the Second World War, his name was Joseph Ratzinger.  Joseph Ratzinger will remain his title until he passes on.
I should say at this point that this is the other bookend for the virgin series.  We started with a little essayette about Tim Tebow and we finish it with Joseph Ratzinger, presumably both are virgins.
I have no connection with the Catholic Church but I assume that the Pope is a virgin.  At the age of 16, he was drafted into the German Army and was instructed to shoot fellows like me.  Fortunately, by the time Ratzinger was inducted into the German army, I had more or less departed the scene literally and repaired to Accra, the big base in Africa.  And so it was that Ratzinger did not take a shot at me nor did I take a shot at him.
But now the Roman Pope is intent upon touring Latin America.  Curiously, when he was elected to the Papacy, there were many people who said that because of their superiority in numbers, the Papacy should go to a Latin American.  But those things are above my pay grade and at this point I must wonder what the Pope is doing in such places as Cuba.
As everyone knows, the Castro brothers have dominated Cuban affairs for more than 50 years.  They are out-and-out Communists.  I suppose the Pope will get some rousing cheers in Mexico and then in Cuba.    Ratzinger is now 85 years of age and celebrates midnight mass on Christmas Eve at 10:00 PM rather than waiting for midnight.
There is one other aspect about Joseph Ratzinger and his service in the German army.  During his service in the German army, he volunteered, as I understand it, to become a member of the SS. The German for SS is SchutzStaffel, which translated literally means Protective Squad.  The Nazis regarded the SS as an elite unit, the Praetorian Guard, with all SS personnel selected on the principles of racial purity and unconditional loyalty to the Fuhrer of the Nazi Party.  The name SS is the most hated name by the Jewish population in this world.  The SS was given the task of completing the Holocaust.  As you might expect, that point is not emphasized in summaries of the Pope’s career.   Ahh, but this old soldier remembers.
 
And so it is that we started this disjointed essay with the comments about Tim Tebow who is new to New York as a reputable virgin.  And we closed it with Joseph Ratzinger whom, I believe, is an 85-year-old virgin as well.  And so my notepad is a bit lighter and I hope that your intellect has been stirred by my recollections not only about virginity but also about church pews and that sort of thing.  When the notepad fills up again, I suspect that there will be another essay or other essayettes as disjointed as this one was.
 
E. E. CARR
March 26, 2012
Essay 642
 
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Kevin’s commentary: Since this essay was a slew of random thoughts, the comments will be likewise arranged.
 
For the many of you out there who read Pop’s thoughts on Mr. Tebow’s virginity and thought to yourselves “gee that was great but there just wasn’t enough of it!” — a few months after authoring this essay he revisited the subject in a full-length essay. It is here.
As far as church pews are concerned, it is my feeling that the church wishes parishioners to always be paying attention and not going to sleep. The same demand can be reasonably made of concert attendants, I suppose.
As far as I am aware, the second “R” in Carr was useful primarily to derail schoolyard taunting. I have it on good authority that children would often come up to my mother and sing “Carr, Carr, C-A-R // Stick your head in a jelly jar” which of course would be very hurtful to Suzanne’s delicate feelings except that they were misspelling her name. So there’s that.
 
On a finally separate note, you may have noticed a recent slowdown in the pace at which essays have been uploaded. This was due to Jen visiting San Francisco for just shy of two weeks, and my duties in being a diligent host, tour guide and boyfriend all in one kept me preoccupied. She’s just arrived home safe in New York, and now posting frequency ought to continue as before.