I hope and pray that you will recall an essay in the last mailing having to do with a professional quarterback who contends that he is a virgin.  I have nothing against professional football players, particularly quarterbacks, who contend that their virginity is intact.  But taking one thing with another and with the state of the record being what it is, I seriously doubt that any professional football player, particularly in New York, will be able to conserve his virginity for any appreciable length of time.
Perhaps you will recall that the Denver Broncos decided when they signed Peyton Manning that they no longer needed Tim Tebow.  So he was auctioned off and the Broncos not only received some players in exchange for Tebow, but he collected $2.5 million which Tebow contended he was owed if he were traded.
Last week the honorable Mr. Tebow was introduced to some sports fans in the New York area and he was booed.  I suspect that the reason he was booed had to do with his preserving his virginity.  There is no doubt about his football skills, so that leaves only one possibility and that, of course, is his virginity.
Coming to New York from a college career at the University of Florida, followed by a tour of one short year as the Denver Broncos quarterback leaves much to be desired.  Mr. Tebow must recognize that now he is in the big time and the booing has to do with his coming of age rather late.  There have been other athletes in the pro football ranks who have proclaimed their advocacy of Christianity.  But Mr. Tebow not only proclaims his advocacy of Christianity but he has coupled that with the claim that he is a virgin and will remain so until his marriage.
I am an old-time watcher of professional football who has lately fallen out with that sport.  My memory goes back to a team called the St. Louis Gunners which played professional football of a minor league variety shortly before or shortly after the Second World War.  Those fellows were rough and tough and not a single one of them ever proclaimed that he was a virgin.
The training camps for the 2012 season will soon be underway.  In the last part of August, the regular season will begin.  As I have said on earlier occasions, pro football does not interest me anymore because of the roughness and cruelty of the games.  I hesitate to call it a sport.  The New Orleans Saints had their coach suspended for a year without pay because he provided a bounty system which encouraged his players to maim opposing players.  But when Mr. Tebow takes the field, I will feel an obligation to listen to the games.
Now that brings us to the heart of what I wish to say in this essay.  Coming from Denver to New York must be a traumatizing experience for Mr. Tebow.  He not only has to satisfy the desires of millions of sports fans in the New York area, but he has to do it while preserving his virginity.  I refuse to believe that Mr. Tebow’s virginity will outlast this coming season.  My belief is that every rabid female New York Jets fan will figure out a way to relieve him of his vows.  And I must say that in my heart I am on the side of those conniving females.
But that leaves those of us who cannot see with a bit of a dilemma.  I believe that before the 2012 season is over, Mr. Tebow will have compromised his status as a virgin.  But for those of us who cannot see, I wish to enjoy the instant that his virginity is relieved.  He has preserved his virginity for at least the first 24 years of his life.  When a rabid female New York Jets fan takes his virginity from him, of course we cannot witness that act because of our blindness.  We will have to rely upon our ears to decide whether the act has been completed.
What this essayist would like to know is, “When he is relieved of his virginity, will it make a loud popping sound?”  After 24 years will the surrender of his virginity be much like opening a bottle of champagne?  Or perhaps will it be something akin to opening a can of sardines?  I hesitate to write these words but will the relief of his virginity occur in closed silence?  Would the world hear of Mr. Tebow’s satisfaction when he has learned that he has lost his virginity?  Maybe sighs and groans will accompany this feat.  Those of us with no eyesight would like to be in on the enjoyment.
This is only the second essay and Mr. Tebow has not played a regular season game for the New York Jets.  I suspect that at least one of the three or five essays to be written about Mr Tebow will have to do with the loss of Mr. Tebow’s virginity.  When the regular season begins, I expect that additional volumes may be called for.
I realize that we have devoted two essays to Mr. Tebow’s claim of virginity.  It seems to me that this is a worthwhile investment in view of the fact that no other professional football player in the National Football League has proclaimed his lack of involvement with sexual matters.  And remember that Mr. Tebow is only in his second year in the League.  But when the season opens in August, it is quite certain that there will be further developments in Mr. Tebow’s desire to hold onto his reputation in spite of the entreaties of New York Jets female fans.
When I started this essay, I was among those who thought that Mr. Tebow’s claim of virginity was a bit of a hoax.  Now as we finish this essay, a change has come over me.  I want Mr. Tebow to maintain his virginal status for ever and ever.  Right now I can see headlines in the New York papers saying that “The New York Jets have won the Super Bowl with their virgin quarterback.”  That may be the ultimate achievement for all of mankind.
E. E. CARR
April 19, 2012
Essay 648
 
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Occasionally, Pop will be compelled to spend an entire essay just on one person. I’m posting two of such essays tonight, one rather funny one about a certain Christian quarterback, and another about his wife. While the latter is much sweeter, this one features a deeply inappropriate simile involving sardines that made me cringe a little. Accordingly, picking a favorite for the night was probably a closer race than it should have been.
In other news, the very same Tebow apparently lost a game in stunning fashion to the New York Giants today, which I heard about in real-time this afternoon and which is why I suppose I had him on the brain.