For all of my long life, I have detested months that have 31 days in their duration. At the moment, we are enduring the grim days of January in the new year. When two months of 31 days follow each other, that is the cruelest time of year for every creature known to me.
July and August are 31-day months when the weather is warm or hot. At least July and August have the saving grace of occurring during the baseball season and they are the location of the birthdays of my wife and myself. So in fact I can live with July and August, even though they are 31-day months, which means that the banks and the investment houses can keep our money a day or two longer before returning the meager interest to us. So in my case, I can survive the grimmest months of the summer because of the presence of baseball broadcasts. I enjoy baseball’s pennant races and some of the trades that occur at that time of year.
But July and August are one thing. When we reach the end of the year, we are confronted with the grim prospects of another pair of 31-day months known under the Julian calendar and perhaps under the Georgian calendar as December and January. The weather is cold at this time of year in the northern hemisphere. Bad news abounds everywhere. There are slips and falls, and complaints about inadequate heat are joys to the gas companies’ ears. December is long and grim, ending in the Christmas season. I am fully aware that there are those who take great delight in the coming of the Christmas season. Unfortunately the proprietor of Ezra’s Essays is not among those who find delight in Christmas. Beyond that, in the instant case, the end of December in New Jersey was marked by a snowfall that measured somewhere between 24 inches and 32 inches. Immediately following hot on the heels of the long month of December is January, an equally grim month. January is cold and long, and the days are short.
So I am proposing a means of keeping track of the passing of time that will not accord with the Julian or Gregorian methods now in use. From all that I can gather in my research, the debate about the Julian and Gregorian systems had to do with the timing of Easter. I cannot say that Easter brings joyful tidings to this old beat-up body. Sometimes Easter comes early and sometimes it comes late, and often the women have to dress in their finery to greet Easter on a cold day. But I am proposing a means of taking care of the long months. It will probably not meet with the approval of the banks and holding companies. But after their performance in recent years, they deserve to be held to account.
As I have said, there are two methods of keeping time in centuries called the Julian and Gregorian calendars. The first was named after Julius Caesar and the second was named after a pope, both of whom presumably were Roman Catholics. I am proposing that we do away with the Julian and Gregorian calendars and instead employ a method named after my father to be known as the Ezraine system of counting our days.
Actually the Ezraine method should have the word Senior in its title so that it would not be confused with the presumptions of a youngster such as myself. I wish to point out that the method of Ezraine Senior occurred to me during the recent great snowfall when the ground and the highways were covered with pure white snow. Snow whiteness of the ground leads me to believe that my method of counting our days is not only immaculate, but was perfectly conceived. I believe it is fair to say that this was an immaculate conception.
What I am proposing in the Ezraine Sr. system of accounting for our days is that every month would have no more than 28 days. Obviously I have taken my cue from the month of February, which has only 28 days. During the month of February, there are faint signs of spring. We know that at the end of February, baseball players report to training camps. From time to time there are warm days in February when we can see that springtime is not far off.
The main inducement is that February has only 28 days, which should be the model for every month in the year. And if the banks and investment houses have to pay off their customers three days early, I would say, “More power to the people! The hell with the banks and the investment houses!”
I am aware that if every month had only 28 days, there would be some days left over. I am proposing that the leftover days be gathered in a bunch and should be celebrated by calling them the month of “Ezraine Junior”. Further, I am proposing that this new month occur in October or late September, which would mark the end of the baseball season.
The month of Ezraine Junior was named after the Bible scribe of Jerusalem who was named Ezra. It seems to this observer that for all of the previous centuries, the Julian and Georgian calendars celebrated the Roman Catholics. Giving a shot to the Jews seems only fair to this observer who is neutral on all religions.
That is my contribution to the advancement of civilization. The idea for every month having 28 days occurred to me on a snowy day when the ground and all the buildings were covered in white. Thus the proposal has the background of being conceived in innocence and immaculately.
I now ask you who in this world could be opposed to the Ezraine Senior method of counting our centuries? The obvious answer is only the bankers and the investment houses that plunged all of our prosperity into the ditch as recently as two years ago. Don’t worry about the banks and investment houses as they are instruments of Satan. I can only say in all honesty that the Ezraine Senior method of keeping track of centuries strikes me as entirely holy. And I ask you, who can be opposed to holiness?
E. E. CARR
January 4, 2011
Essay 522
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Kevin’s commentary:
Would the baseball season be extended into the Ezraine Junior month? That’s really the key question there. I think a very short extra month could be rather nice, actually. Maybe it’d be a holiday month where everyone is required to stay home and watch baseball. Or listen to baseball as the case may be.