Scallions and whiskers have absolutely nothing to do with each other but they occurred to me at about the same time as I was preparing to write an essay, so I have thrown a blanket over the both of them. Here are the two elusive subjects.
Taking scallions first, I have been a devotée of scallions since I was four years old. It seems that I have been working on scallions and consuming them for 84 years. Because my parents were basically farmers, we always had a garden at our residence. As soon as I could handle a spading fork, or a spading shovel, I was in charge of turning over the garden every March. This permitted the seeds to be sown and scallions would be the result some time in April. I have never lost my taste for scallions and I tend to believe that a meal without scallions is less worthy than one in which scallions are served. Curiously, scallions never appear in meals served at restaurants. It makes no difference whether the meal is served at The Four Seasons or at some other expensive place or whether it is the product of a diner. Scallions just don’t appear. They have to be a product for home consumption.
There was a time when it was necessary for my wife and me to drive 18 miles to the Wegman’s grocery store to find scallions, particularly in the winter time. Very happily, in the last three or four years, scallions have been carried regularly by such markets as Whole Foods and King’s. This not only saves me the 36-mile round trip, but I am comforted by the thought that my supply of scallions is not threatened by seasonal changes.
And so it is that every observer can conclude that I have deviant tastes. The fact that I am enamored of scallions which appear nowhere in restaurant menus perhaps says something about me. I don’t know exactly what that something would be, but I am here to tell you that a day without scallions is more or less a wasted day for me.
Now let us turn to whiskers. Basically speaking, I can find no real reason for men growing whiskers. There is one reason for those who adorn themselves with facial hair. There are mustaches and there are beards. If I am not mistaken, I believe that at one time one of my sons-in-law had a lovely mustache and I have a belief that the other son-in-law has a beard. I have nothing against beards and mustaches. I simply wish that I could grow a mustache. But to a fair-skinned person like myself, whiskers are uneven and the only decent thing to do is to shave them off. Why men have whiskers is something that is in the category of the unexplainable.
Dealing with whiskers is time-consuming and a bit of an expensive proposition. There are creams that make the whiskers soften so that they can be shaved. For myself, I use an electric razor and have since 1950. The razors have to be replaced from time to time which I find to be acceptable in economic terms. But I still ask why men are growers of whiskers. During my term in the United States Army I cannot remember that the anyplace overseas offered hot water. Hot water is essential to a comfortable shave, but the Army of the United States had no desire to worry about such things. Somehow or other, I survived that experience.
In the beginning of my later teen-age years, the approach of whiskers could be viewed as a sign of maturity. Now, so many years later, I try to think of the amount of money that I have spent on razors, canned lather, and after-shave lotions. It isn’t a lot of money but from my point of view it is pointless. Whiskers are good for guys with beards and people who want to grow mustaches. But that is a small percentage of the male population. On the other hand, there are Muslim societies where beards are viewed as a sign of piety. Fortunately I am not a Muslim and any beard that I would grow if I were a Muslim would be scraggly and incapable of landing me in Paradise. And I am not pious.
Well, there are my thoughts about two disparate subjects, scallions and whiskers. Why these two subjects appeared to me is beyond my comprehension. But there they are. I can tell you this much. If I had a choice between scallions and whiskers, I would always and inevitably choose scallions.
E. E. CARR
May 29, 2010
Essay 462
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Kevin’s commentary: I have little use for either of the subjects discussed here. Scallions are all well and good I suppose but I can’t remember the last time I sought them out in particular. I would imagine I’ve had them multiple times at Pop’s house. It stands to reason that this is the case.
Whiskers are just plain irritating. Removing them requires me to rub a razor up and down my neck, often when I am in a sleepy state. This is a recipe for disaster.