In the latter half of the 1960s, AT&T decided that I could serve the corporation best by working in its Washington Office. At that time the company maintained a relatively small office in Washington headed by a full vice president who was assisted by two assistant vice presidents. There were about five department heads such as myself reporting to these principal characters. The idea was for AT&T to ingratiate itself and to provide help to the agencies of government with the hope that the outcome of the laws and their interpretation would be favorable to the phone company. Your old essayist spent nearly four years being a lobbyist in AT&T’s Washington office. It was a fascinating job and one that has provided me with many memories.
One of the memories that returned to me last week, the second week in February, was the CPAC meeting which stands, of course, for Conservative Political Action Conference. When I worked in Washington, CPAC was purely a political organization. Over the years it is clear that the conservative movement has been penetrated by religious representatives. Today the CPAC meetings have the air of a revival. The meeting last week was no exception.
When John McCain spoke to the conservative meeting, he was received with great tepidness. There were no actual boos, but it is clear that John McCain is not the favorite of the conservative movement as it is constituted these days.
When George Bush appeared before the meeting last week, he was accorded a polite welcome but it soon became clear that Bush was not regarded as a true conservative.
When Mike Huckabee spoke to the meeting, they welcomed him with great hosannas and welcome. Huckabee fed them raw meat. He quoted the Bible in mind numbing detail and often referred to the ancient beliefs of the Neanderthal wing of the conservative group. Clearly the winner in the addresses to the CPAC convention was Mike Huckabee.
I listened to the proceedings and it seemed to be fairly clear that the conservatives would like to return to the glory days of Calvin Coolidge, Warren Harding, and Herbert Hoover. In that spirit, I soon discovered that this old essayist was persuaded by conservative thoughts and proceeded to make the following pledges and assurances:
At the outset, I have agreed, as a matter of conservative principle, never personally to have an abortion.
Furthermore, I pledge never to engage in a same-sex marriage.
There is a bar here in Millburn, New Jersey named Martini’s, which offers “speed dating.” The idea seems to be that prospective lovers may spend a few minutes with other prospective lovers before making up their minds about what they will do with the rest of the evening. I believe that Martini’s is a den of iniquity. It will lead to conditions that cause abortions, and if there are two speed-dating partners of the same sex, it might lead to their marriage. Accordingly, starting this snowy evening, I will picket Martini’s to stamp out this obvious evil.
Furthermore, I pledge never to become engaged in polygamy. As my ancient friend Joe Darling would say, “I’ve got enough to take care of at home.” Be that as it may, I intend to take cognizance of conservative principles and to avoid polygamy at all costs.
Further, I pledge never to become an Islamo-Fascist terrorist. If I were to walk around this town saying that I am a genuine Islamo-Fascist terrorist, I suspect that onlookers would say that “that man is just plainly nuts.” Therefore, I pledge to keep my Moslem faith a secret even during the period of Ramadan.
Everyone knows that the future of medicine lies in stem cell research. I pledge that if I contract a fatal disease, I will not be treated by a drug or a surgical procedure that has anything to do with stem cell research. Simply stated, I prefer to die rather than to reap the benefits of stem cell research.
For the rest of my life, I will refrain from burning an American flag or trampling it underfoot.
I pledge never to patronize a drug store that sells contraceptive devices, particularly the most evil of these devices, the “morning after” pill.
And I pledge also to go to church every morning until eternity.
I pledge to work to bring back the 18th Amendment which prohibits the manufacture and sale of every alcoholic beverage.
As Mike Huckabee has said, he opposes the Darwinian theory of evolution, as I will in the future. Furthermore, I believe that, as the prophet Joshua so aptly stated, the sun rotates around the earth. Galileo had it all backwards.
Finally, I pledge that I will not covet my neighbor’s donkey. American politics has enough donkeys without politicians creating more.
There you have my complete platform of pledges. I believe that I have covered every base in the conservative aurora of promises. The fact of the matter is that the conservatives have convinced me that I should abandon my liberal views. I sincerely hope that my pledges will impress those delegates to the CPAC convention who seem to treasure the memories of Warren Harding and Herbert Hoover. And if Governor Huckabee becomes the eventual nominee of the Republican Party, I will be right there in the front row taking up a collection with my wicker basket and singing the ancient hymn, “Blessed Be the Tie that Binds.” And if Governor Huckabee, who says he believes in miracles, really wants one, it might be that the Grand Old Party will be rescued by Michael Bloomberg. If the Christian religion was established by a Jewish fellow, why shouldn’t the Republican Party be rescued by Mike Bloomberg? That would be a genuine miracle recognized by every observer of any stripe.
E. E. CARR
February 12, 2008
Essay 293
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Kevin’s commentary: What happens if you marry the neighbor’s donkey? Is it allowed to get an abortion? If it’s a gay polygamist donkey, what then?