For the better part of 35 years, Prince Charley of England had played games with Camilla, an upper class English woman who bears a remarkable resemblance to his mother. Charley and Camilla were married to other people for many of those years, so it is fair to assume that Princess Diana and Mr. Parker Bowles were living in a state of cuckoldry. It might be that the Church of England will convey sainthood on those who are cuckolds. Queen Elizabeth is the Pope of the Church of England. Her views have not been made public, but no matter how you cut it, Charley is her oldest son which presumably might work in his favor.
Charley and Camilla got married earlier this Spring and took an extended honeymoon-holiday to recover from the onerous duties of the Prince of Wales. Appearing at garden parties and gracing the conferences of the English hoi polloi demands much of a man. No wonder he needs a honeymoon-holiday. The long time lovers have been gone for more than two months. In that time, there have been no daffy letters written in Charley’s inimitable style. America is baffled! What is going on?
My suspicions are based on my experience with the thousands of women who populated the switchboards and clerical jobs at AT&T. Those women kept tabs on their compatriots. When an operator acquired a husband, they were entitled to a honeymoon trip to Coney Island or to the Jersey shore. Before long, on the wages paid at AT&T, they would run out of money and have to return to work.
Inevitably, other operators regarded it as their God-given right to ask the newly married operator if she was pregnant (PG) and/or did she plan to become PG in the immediate future. No one seemed to regard this as an intrusion into another’s private affairs. Simply put, the question was whether the newlywed was pregnant and if not, what is holding things up.
If the newlywed operator was evasive about her obstetrical condition, the other women would count the number of times she visited the ladies room. They would watch her in the cafeteria to see any signs of gastric distress. And they would keep a sharp eye on her waistline.
The men in AT&T traffic offices had to depend on operating room gossip to forecast their future employment needs. When an operator or a supervisor found out about a pregnancy, they regarded it as a scoop to get to the District Manager first.
So you see my mind set. The people of England and indeed, the Western world would very much like to know about Camilla’s state of health. If she is PG, the world ought to know about it so that bonnets and sun suits may be ordered from London’s most fashionable clothiers. If, on the other hand, she is not PG, there are dozens of former New York operators who will recommend physicians, magicians, chiropractors and morticians who will assist Camilla to achieve that end. The New York operators will probably counsel Camilla to cut down on her smoking as this could lead to undersized babies.
Those same operators from New York are generally of Irish background. They would advise Camilla to explain to Charley how babies are made. It is not a case of ordering a footman to go buy one. Old Charlie has to get into the act. There is a strong chance that he will find the baby making procedure repugnant and distasteful, but the Irish New York operators would tell Camilla’s husband that once he performs, a cookie or a lollypop awaits him. It may be that Charley will be elated at the bargain he has swung.
It is an unfair thing to do, but your old essay writer must tell you that he knows no more than the average bloke on the wharves of London about Camilla’s obstetrical condition. It is shameful to admit that, but whether or not Charley has ever come back to resume writing goofy letters is also something unknown to me.
My advice is simple. Stay close to the old New York telephone operators. My guess is that they will be the first to know about Camilla’s pregnancy. My money is on a new heir to the throne in the Windsor family. My money is also on the thought that old Charley will be among the last to know and will be confused by an event he cannot comprehend. Charley wants his cookie or his lollypop. He needs comfort from the Archbishop of Canterbury.
E. E. CARR
June 14, 2005
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I still don’t quite get why Pop has such a problem with UK royalty. I mean they’re clearly an archaic hold-over that probably should no longer exist in 2017, and I guess in a few different capacities they’re a drain on taxpayers, but his ire seems to have gone far deeper than that. I think he maybe objected most to the utterly unearned sense of entitlement that they carry just for being born into it, but it’s really anyone’s guess. Maybe Judy can enlighten us.