According to the Julian calendar, which I keep in my hip pocket at all times, today is Friday, December 2, 2011. The latest news about Herman Cain, the Republican aspirant to the Presidency, is that he is going home tonight to keep a “date night” with his wife. I expect that Herman will have a hell of a lot of explaining to do to his wife Gloria.
So far, there have been five allegations of sexual misconduct with at least two of them resulting in payments from the National Restaurant Association of $35,000 and $45,000 to the complainants. In addition, there have been two other women who have claimed that Herman had sexually harassed them. Finally, this week, a woman claimed that she was involved in what is called a purely sexual relationship with Herman for the past 13 years. She did not receive a settlement from the National Restaurant Association but she has a record of phone calls showing that they exchanged calls, some as early as 4:00 o’clock in the morning. The record is indisputable in that when a reporter called the number listed, Herman Cain answered. So on this date night, as Herman calls it, it would seem to me as a person far removed from Republican politics, that Herman has a lot of explaining to do.
As things now stand on December 2, there are allegations involving eight women including the thirteen-year-affair which continued up until very recently. It would be fair to guess that these eight represent only a sample and that when the full force of Herman’s stud farm comes in to view, there will be many more than just the eight.
I have only one solution that I could offer to Herman Cain. It involves a Greenwich Village couple here in New York who became involved in a controversy about the female. In the New York case, there was a woman who was engaged in financial difficulties, which seem to plague every one of Herman’s women too. In the instant case, as the lawyers would call it, this New York woman elected to solve her problem by looking in the Greenwich Village phone directory and picking out a person who, she claimed, had harassed her. Unfortunately the woman made a monumental mistake.
Sight unseen, she had picked out a person who was gay from the get-go. He had belonged to several gay organizations and as far as is known, he was never involved with a female. But he was forced to hire a lawyer and when the case went to trial, the defendant told the judge his story. He explained that he had always been a homosexual and was never ever involved with members of the female gender. The case came to an end when he told the judge that “I have never been involved with a vagina personally.” When the judge heard this offering, he dismissed the case. The person who was its author was freed to pursue his gay life style in Greenwich Village forever. There is no record of any punishment that the female suffered.
My solution to Herman’s problem may not be popular with the religious right types of the Republican Party. Although Rick Perry, the Governor of Texas, is involved in rumors that he is gay, of course in keeping with the Republican symbolism of manliness, he would deny such an accusation. But back to Herman, his real problem now is Gloria, his wife. When she gets Herman alone tonight after their date night, she may rip him apart. And deservedly so.
My solution is straight-forward. Herman should claim that all of these allegations about sexual misconduct are plain hogwash. Clearly and unquestionably he should adopt the line of the defendant in the Greenwich Village case. Herman should tell his wife, “Unbeknownst to you, I have been gay all along, and more importantly, I have never met a vagina personally.”
For the better part of 20 years, I was involved in labor relations matters with the Bell System. We never had a case as salacious as Herman’s Stud Farm. So when a case comes along that involves a stud farm such as Herman’s, it arouses my interest and I am obliged to offer Herman the only defense that I can think of. Herman has been married, so he says, for 42 years to Gloria, his beloved wife. He must contend that in all of the 42 years, he has been gay in every case where amorous intent was involved. That is his only way out of this melancholy situation.
But tomorrow or over the weekend I suspect that Mr. Cain will have a report on how he made out on his date night. I hope that he will remember that in all of his dalliances with the extra females he should contend that “I have never been involved with a vagina personally.” I realize that this may mark the end of Herman’s Presidential aspirations. If he refuses my advice, he will incur the wrath of Gloria, his wife. Instead, if he takes my advice, she may engulf him with sympathy. She may engulf him with sympathy thinking that he, as a gay man, has put up with her for 42 years.
But the fact of the matter remains that I have nothing – nothing whatsoever – to do with the Republican Party. I offer this advice out of the goodness of my heart, recognizing that my fellow human being, Mr. Cain, is in trouble. Further, my hope is that there are certain Christian organizations who claim to repair gayness. Several preachers have become patients at such organizations and report along with their discharge that they are free from sin and free from gayness. As a personal matter, I believe that such reports are complete horse manure. But my object here is to get Herman off the hook and it seems to me that claiming gayness is the only obvious defense. Stay tuned for further developments in the case of the Herman Cain stud farm.
PS: Sunday, December 4, 2011. Yesterday, on December 3, Herman Cain announced that he was going to “suspend” all future operations of his campaign. I do not really understand what “suspend” means. But from the talk shows this Sunday morning, it would appear that Herman Cain’s campaign is dead, over, and finished. Cynics among us, including myself and my wife, would have concluded that there were dozens of other people, mostly of the female gender, who were willing to come forward as time progressed. In these circumstances, Herman thought that it was probably the best to throw in the towel and go back to his selling books. I regret to see Herman leave the race because he provided the only comic material coming from the Republican side. Republicans are very serious people who regard laughter and joy as anathema. But Herman is gone now, and we have only our memories of him to sustain us.
E. E. CARR
December 4, 2011
Essay 598
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Kevin’s commentary: You know, there is very little I miss about the 2012 presidential race, but Herman Cain was one of them. What an amazing, ridiculous character. No news of him recently, which I guess means he’s handled things correctly. Still a bit of a shame.
More on stud farms here, though admittedly that essay is about real ones, not Mr. Cain’s.