As I approach the centennial of my birth, one would think that mellowness would settle around me. That is not the case as sharp elbows and abrasiveness still abound within my soul. It was in one of these moods of contrariness that I began to think of religion in my home town of St. Louis. St. Louis took its name from a French King who, upon his death, became a saint. It is also the name of the largest city in the state of Missouri.
Before I departed the scene in 1951, St. Louis was a heavily Roman Catholic city. Curiously, the Catholic athletic teams in that city engaged in contests only with other Catholic schools. For example, St. Joseph’s School and Church was located about one half mile from the Clayton Missouri Public School which I attended. But there was no interplay between them. I am not sure why this was the case, but the Catholic schools played only in their own conference and the public schools played other public schools.
While I was thinking about St. Louis, the thought occurred to me that an inordinate number of schools and churches in that city are named after the Immaculate Conception. No one has ever successfully proven that I am an expert on the Immaculate Conception. My curious mind has often wondered over the years, how that event occurred. But nonetheless, there were schools and churches in St. Louis that carried that name. As everyone knows, teams associated with schools always have nicknames. It seems inappropriate to call a team associated with the Immaculate Conception schools Lions, Bears, Trolley Dodgers, or Angels. Clearly, it is up to me to produce a nickname for athletic teams sponsored by schools named after the Immaculate Conception. The only appropriate nickname that comes to mind is “Spermies.” That name rings with understated eloquence.
When the athletic teams perform, obviously there has to be a cheerleading squad. The cheerleading squads have to have cheers to lead. For the Spermies, I would suggest a cheer along these lines:

Down with the pill!
Up with family planning!
Down with condoms!
Up with no birth control at all!
Down with Viagra!
Up with erectile dysfunction!
Down with artificial insemination!
Up with no insemination at all!
Down with coitus interruptus!
Up with no coitus at all!
Down with foreplay!
Up with Broadway plays!
Down with after play!
Up with inter-league play!
Down with double plays!
Up with school plays!
Go Spermies, Go Spermies!

Even with my advancing years, I would be inspired and thrilled by a cheerleading squad leading the above cheer. Bishop Terrence Patrick O’Flynn, who was a prominent figure in St. Louis during my tenure there, might join me in setting that cheer to a fight song. Every athletic team, particularly a football team, has to have a fight song. I would love to hear the band and the singers singing “Down with condoms!”, “Down with the pill!”, and “Down with Viagra!” et cetera. The end of the fight song should be, “Go Spermies! Abstinence, Abstinence, Abstinence!”
Beyond that, if Bishop O’Flynn were still around, I might take him to Washington where the National Conference of Catholic Bishops holds it annual conference each fall. For our cheerleading creation, it would be the hope of Bishop O’Flynn and myself that the bishops would grant us an imprimatur, which I believe the Copyright Office would recognize as a superior document.
As you can see, mellowness has not enveloped me in its hairy arms. Even though I am dictating this on Thanksgiving Day 2007, a spirit of truculence still boils within my heart. On the other hand, I am thankful for the memories of St. Louis and its proliferation of churches and schools named after the Immaculate Conception. It seems to me that producing this cheerleading refrain is a proper tribute to the ghosts of St. Louis, king and saint, and probably will lengthen my life. Furthermore, I am thankful that on this Thanksgiving, I am able to dictate an essay about St. Louis and the churches and athletic teams called the Immaculate Conception Spermies.
Always remember, “Abstinence, Abstinence, Abstinence!” “Go Spermies!”
E. E. CARR
November 22, 2007
Essay 271
~~~
Kevin’s commentary: A nice little essay from way out in left field. Thanks, Pop.
I wonder if God has spermies or if he just put the embryo in Mary’s oven directly. It stands to reason that any part of an immortal being is also immortal, right? So if there WERE spermies involved in the immaculate conception then, with enough searching, they might still be around. I think the Catholic church should deploy a team of priests with microscopes to go investigate.