The term “southpaw” is basically a baseball expression. It refers to players who use their left hand to throw. Traditionally, baseball diamonds have been laid out with home plate in the southwest corner of the infield. This is to prevent the batter from having to look into the afternoon sun while he is at the plate. When the pitcher stands on the mound in the middle of the diamond, his left arm is pointed in a southerly direction and we are told that it is from this set of facts that the term “southpaw” is derived.
It seems to me that for much of my life, southpaws have been the subject of discrimination. Any person who has ever used a pair of scissors in the left hand can tell you that it is a formidable task to cut a piece of cloth or paper with the left hand. This has been a traditional discrimination. For example, when I reported to the first grade, our teacher, Miss Brantley, taught us handwriting using the Palmer method. The Palmer method was designed for right-handed people and it demanded that the slant of the handwriting must all lean at the top toward the right. It is hard to imagine it today but in that era, around 1928 to 1930, there were teachers who attempted to convert left-handers into writing with their right hand.
The Palmer method consisted, as a warm-up, of making large “o”s that looked like a wire fence being unrolled. Obviously the “o”s at the top were pointed toward the right side of the paper. The next exercise in the Palmer school consisted of starting the pen at the line and going up for an inch or an inch and a half and then bringing the pen back down to the line and repeating that over and over with the ensuing marks all leaning toward the right at the top. This exercise would look like a picket fence being pushed over at a 20 degree angle.
Left-handers received little comfort from the teachers because they regarded left-handedness as some sort of a sinful condition. The lefties had to place their arms and wrists in a very uncomfortable position in an effort to make the strokes lean toward the right at the top so that the teachers would get off their backs.
When we were introduced to ink and pens, those with long memories may recall that there was an inkwell at the top right-hand corner of each desk. For right-handers, it was no big feat simply to put the pen up and dip it into the inkwell. For left-handers there was the matter of getting the pen dipped into the inkwell without brushing the newly written words.
Clearly, the world in those days and in these days was made for right-handers. Left-handers can apply and take the tests but in the final analysis they must bend to the wishes of those who are right-handed.
Now if I may borrow a quote from the famed senator, Larry Craig of Idaho, I will say that “I am right-handed; I have always been right-handed.” What bothers me is the discrimination that has been visited upon those of us who throw from the southpaw stance.
Another example of the thoughtlessness that has occurred over the years has to do with automobiles. Before there were automatic transmissions, the gears needed to be changed by hand from first to second and then into high gear. There was also a reverse gear as well. The gear shift in those days was located in the middle of the front compartment, to the right of the driver directly over the transmission. This meant of course that drivers who are left-handed would have to shift the gears with their other hand. And that is only the beginning. The most important elements of driving a car have to do with the accelerator and the brakes. They have always been located on the right side of the driver rather than the left side. In the old days, drivers needed to depress the clutch before the gears were changed, so there was a modicum of equality in driving a car between right-handedness and left-handedness. But with the coming of automatic transmission, there is nothing remaining for the left foot to do except in some of the older models to turn on the bright lights.
Even in Great Britain and Ireland, where cars are driven on the left-hand side of the road, the accelerator and the brakes are located for use by the right foot, not the left foot.
So there are two examples of how the world has conspired to penalize left-handedness. My liberal inclinations have always been to like left-handers. One of my grandchildren is a left-hander and it seems not to matter at all in terms of our relationship.
And now we get to a point where parental discretion might be advised for the rest of this essay. If parents are unavailable, it might be well for the readers to throw themselves into the arms of cops, firemen, or sanitation workers. I have asked Mrs. Eva Baker, who transcribes my dictation, to look out the window to prevent her embarrassment for the following paragraphs.
Men’s undershorts are the subject for which parental discretion is advised. From time immemorial, men’s undershorts have been constructed so that the fly will have the left part of the undergarment slightly overlapping the right side of the shorts. I am perfectly aware that when the two edges of cloth are brought together to form the fly, it is possible for the right piece of cloth to overlap the left piece of cloth but that is not the case. It has always been that the left piece of cloth overlapped the right piece of cloth to form the fly, thus making it easier for the right-handers to engage the vital organ of the male anatomy.
During World War II, elastic became difficult to find and so there were little ribbons on each side that could be tied to make the shorts smaller or larger around the waist. In this case there was no discrimination because the bows appeared on both sides of the shorts.
But no matter how you cut it, it has always been somewhat easier for the right-handed person to reach into the undershorts as distinguished from the left-handed person.
When World War II came to an end and elastic became available again, men’s shorts moved from the boxer variety into the briefs. The briefs of course did not extend down the legs but were intended, so the manufacturer explained, to offer support for the male anatomy. As you can see, I am a student of men’s underclothing as it relates to their shorts. It may come as a surprise to some seminarians but as a general proposition, from time to time men feel the need to relieve themselves. My extensive research over the past 75 years discloses that uniformly and exclusively the opening on the fly favor the right hander. Left-handed men have to do the best they can and in an emergent situation this can be disastrous.
Not to belabor this subject, but if a vertical line were to be drawn down the front of men’s underclothing, the opening would always be on the right-hand side. But now a new day has dawned. Recognizing the age-old problem of discrimination against left-handers in this delicate situation, the Munsingwear Corporation has developed a product which departs from the vertical line to the horizontal line. Munsingwear advertises this as a “kangaroo pocket.” My readers will be amazed to discover that the opening in men’s shorts can be accomplished by having a horizontal opening or fly as distinguished from the vertical opening. At long last, right-handers and left-handers have an even chance of getting to their equipment to perform acts that are vital to the continuation of life. As I said earlier, I am a right-handed person but I have a great feeling for those who profess to be left-handers. As an act of solidarity with the southpaws, four pairs of the new men’s briefs are on order and have been delivered to me. I intend to test them for a few weeks and you may look forward to an essay in the mode of, say, Consumer Reports. A preliminary report would suggest that they are quite satisfactory, particularly from the standpoint of the user being in solidarity with the southpaws.
After all these years, it does my heart, my epiglottis, and my gall bladder good to know that we have finally made an effort to even up for the long discrimination against southpaws.
Now before leaving the subject of men’s underclothing, I think it would be remiss of me not to mention the heroic efforts of the United States Army having to do with underclothing. Near the end of 1944, the Army began to distribute undershirts and shorts that were dyed in the color of olive drab. Olive drab is a sort of green concoction that is thoroughly unattractive. But in this case, it has prevented us from having to speak German.
You see, the American Army announced that when soldiers in the field washed their clothing, which formerly was white, and hung them on clotheslines or on bushes to dry, it attracted German pilots and German field artillery officers equipped with binoculars. If you listened to what the Pentagon was saying, as soon as you hung your shorts and shirts on a bush, you could expect a thousand-pound bomb or heavy artillery. But, again according to the Pentagon, it was this olive drab underclothing that was responsible for our victory in World War II. When I was discharged, I had several pairs of olive drab undershorts and pants, which were offered to my mother for cleaning purposes. She threw them away instantly.
And so there you have it. Finally there is some equality and some forethought being given to those of us who bat from the left side. If the shorts with the horizontal openings are a success, perhaps we can go on to get rid of the Electoral College that mars our election process. Ah, but one miracle at a time.
E. E. CARR
February 12, 2008
Essay 291
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Kevin’s commentary: Nothing screams “freedom” like an olive drab garment. The whole “this way you don’t get bombed” argument seems pretty compelling, however. Now that unmanned combat drones are an everyday thing in the states and abroad, maybe I should go pick up some olive boxers.
The kangaroo pouch idea seems pretty silly to me. But I guess if it works, it works. For the grandchild in question’s part, my little brother the southpaw solves the fly problem by simply pulling his pants down approximately to his knees instead of using the fly to his pants or underwear. It’s much simpler, and works for righties and lefties alike.