The title of this essay might lead some people to assume that in my later years I have succumbed to the teachings and the blathering of Christian preachers. That clearly is not the case. It is my intention in this instance to review what might take place if a few or many of us were subjected to the rigors of eternal life.
Let us take my own family for example. I have reported in several essays that my mother was a snuff chewer. I regard the chewing of snuff as being more than abominable. Nonetheless, my mother and her sisters all chewed snuff. At the same time, they decried the smoking of cigarettes. But Christianity is full of contradictions such as this one.
To give us a starting point, my mother has been dead since 1961. If the mathematicians around this house have it right, that would mean that she has been gone more than 52 years. She was a religious woman and I assume that she is enjoying the benefits that go with eternal life. By my calculations, my mother consumed at least two tins of Copenhagen Snuff each week. I leave it for the mathematically inclined to figure out how many tins she may have consumed during this short period of her eternal life. If eternal life lasts for at least 20,000 years, it would be of interest to me as to how many tins of Copenhagen Snuff she would use by the end of her second millennium of eternal life.
When snuff is chewed, it is necessary to expectorate or to spit frequently. Now, again for the mathematically inclined, how many spits would ensue in 20,000 years with her expectorating snuff chewing in eternal life? I have not the vaguest notion of how this may be calculated. I offer the mathematically inclined a chance to show their stuff.
It was my father’s intention to consume one cigar per week. He picked up this cigar on Sunday afternoon after church and the mid-day meal. Specifically in our household, the mid-day meal was called dinner, with the meal at the end of the day being called supper. When I was a very small boy, we used to take the bands on the cigar and wear them for an afternoon or so as rings. When I go to enjoy my own eternal life, I will have a supply of cigar band rings for my fingers.
Again, using my own family as a measure of eternal life, we must now turn to the oldest sibling who was named Verna. One way or another, Verna had a penchant for stirring up arguments with her mother and with her other siblings. Verna has been dead for about 20 years now. Again for the mathematically inclined, if Verna could stir up a dispute with one of her siblings once a week, how many disputes would occur in 20,000 year of eternal life?
But then there was the fact that one of my older brothers named Earl was a master at settling these disputes. At the rate of one dispute a week involving Verna, how many disputes could Earl have smoothed over in 20,000 years? Again, I have no idea of what the total amount might come to, so I will accept whatever is suggested.
Another sibling was a fellow named Charles Haley. When I left for the Army, he was called Haley; when I returned he was called Charlie. Charles Haley in later life became very religious. He attended a variety of churches. When he became offended by the preachings of one pastor, he would abandon that pastor and move on until he found a new pastor more to his liking. Now the mathematical question arises as to how many dust ups in 20,000 years would occur that were attributable to my brother Charles Haley’s indignation.
One of my sisters was named Opal. As I have reported in these essays much earlier, Opal was a free spirit. Among her accomplishments, she became a waitress at a saloon at the corner of North and South Road and Eager Road run by a fellow Joe Ganolla. While at the saloon as a waitress, she figured out a way to play chords on a piano. I believe that one of her favorite numbers was “Flat Foot Floogie with the Floy Floy.” Poor old Opal has been in Heaven, or a reasonable facsimile thereof, for at least 30 years.
Again, for the mathematically inclined, if Opal performed that sterling aria at least twice each day for 20,000 years, how many performances of “Flat Foot Floogie with a Floy Floy” would she perform? Again, I have no intention of checking up on the mathematics of my readers and I would not intend to do so under any circumstances. Somehow or another, it would give me strength to go on living with the knowledge of Opal singing “Flat Foot Floogie with a Floy Floy.”
But now let us turn to the real meaning of eternal life. John Newton was the author of the hymn “Amazing Grace.” Newton was a slave trader for a good number of years until as he says he was involved in a storm at sea. The boat was awash and he was barely saved. From that experience, Newton got out of the slave trade business and entered the ministry in the Anglican Church. I have always wondered about John Newton’s account. Were there slaves on board in this terrible storm and what happened to them? Newton has been dead for at least 250 years, so I have no great prospects of an answer from him.
But in any case, John Newton composed “Amazing Grace,” which contains some interesting thoughts about eternal life. In about the third or fourth verse of that hymn are these words:
When we’ve been there ten thousand years
Bright as the morning sun
We will have more days to sing God’s praise
Than when we had first begun.
Clearly I am not a mathematician, which is all to the good. But this song seems to suggest that eternal life lasts only about 20,000 years. If eternal life only lasts 20,000 years, it is not, by definition, eternal life at all. John Newton is dead and we have had no intelligible correspondence with Mr. Newton for 200 years. Now we have computers of all kinds of descriptions. Perhaps they could calculate the length of eternal life. In the calculations that will be made in this essay, I would like to know whether eternal life comes to an end at 20,000 years. That would be a long time for my sister Opal to sing “Flat Foot Floogie with a Floy Floy” in Joe Ganolla’s saloon. So you see that my intentions are honorable in that I wish to limit the amount of time that my sister Opal has to sing that song.
I realize that this essay is a dream for those who are mathematically inclined. Unfortunately I am not one of those with this disposition. But for those of you who are mind readers and wish to play with numbers, I will be anxious in awaiting the results of your inquiries. Only I would suggest that those of you who believe in eternal life might wish to reconsider your thoughts on the grounds of great boredom.
For myself, I will continue in my disbelief about religious principles and prejudices. I will always bear in mind the thought that “When we’ve been there ten thousand years, Bright as the morning sun, We will have more days to sing God’s praise Than when we had first begun.” It seems to me that 20,000 years of eternal life is about all that any human being could really stand.
E. E. CARR
January 11, 2013
Essay 731
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Kevin’s commentary:
Some rough calculations, for fun:
Tins of snuff = 2x52x20k = 2,080,000
At 1.2 oz of snuff per can, roughly .2 oz per dip, we get about 6 dips per can. Spitting after each dip means you’d spit roughly 12.5 million times.
Cigars = Disputes = Resolutions = 52x20k = 1,040,000
Pastors = 1.5/year (?) x 20k = 30k
Renditions of “Flat Foot Floogie with the Floy Floy” is 2*365*20k = 14,600,000 (ouch).
The logic on the 20,000 year limit is an issue though because at the end of 10,000 we have MORE days than when we started, so this would indicate that eternity is some figure above 20,000.
But it also suggests that eternity is either growing as some function of time, which is to say that eternity is X years right now, but after 10,000 years eternity will be X+10,000(z) years with z>1. Or Eternity is growing at a rate of time squared or something. It’s silly.
This is a bit counterintuitive. If we just assume eternity is infinite than you will have infinite years left at the 10,000 mark which is equal to the infinite years left that you had at the start, not greater, and if anything less… by 10,000 years.
But all that is moot because eternity in my mind doesn’t make sense because I don’t see how anything plans on persisting past the heat death of the universe which is a few hundred trillion years away.