It is the standard belief of preachers that confessions are beneficial to the soul. My religious beliefs or lack thereof bar me from knowledge about the soul. However, yesterday, February 17, brought three confessions that must have benefited every soul known to man or cattle. The first was a confession by Alex Rodriguez, the $30 million ball player. The second was a confession by Bristol Palin, the 18-year-old daughter of the Governor of Alaska, who dawdled her one-month-old child on her lap as she made her confession. The third admission came from your old essayist who was moved to speak in spite of his lack of ecclesiastical training and study. Now on to the confessions…
Alex Rodriguez is the highest-paid baseball player in the history of man. His pay is $30 million per year and he has other outside income from a series of buildings that he rents to apartment dwellers. We are told that Rodriguez is very quick to evict those who fall behind in their rental payments. Rodriguez contends that he is a pal of Warren Buffet and that he moves in the higher financial circles of this financially strapped country.
Yesterday was the first day of training for the baseball clubs. Instead of going about their training exercises yesterday, the New York Yankees found themselves listening to a press conference by Mr. Rodriguez at which he made his startling confession. Rodriguez conceded that he had used banned substances some four or five years ago while he played for the Texas Rangers. He confessed that an unnamed cousin bought the unnamed drugs in the Dominican Republic, brought them to this country and used them to inject Mr. Rodriguez’s behind for a period of years. Mr. Rodriguez contends that since he joined the New York Yankees four or five years ago, he has been as clean as a hound’s tooth. At the press conference, follow-up questions were not permitted. Hard-bitten sports reporters laughed at the explanation of the unnamed cousin who gave shots to Mr. Rodriguez’s buttocks.
On several occasions during the so-called press conference, Mr. Rodriguez said that he was “here to take his medicine.” No one is clear on what Rodriguez meant by the remark about taking his medicine but, as you can see, this $30 million ballplayer called a press conference to confess. If confessions are good for the soul, Mr. Rodriguez’s soul must be bursting out of his chest or head or wherever the soul is located.
The second confession has to do with Bristol Palin, who is the 18-year-old daughter of the Governor of Alaska. I am not one to spill secrets but it is reasonably clear that Bristol Palin had a child out of wedlock. Her lover was a fellow student at the Wasilla High School in Wasilla, Alaska. Under ordinary circumstances, this gentleman, Levi Johnston, would be told by his elders that the proper thing to do was to be a man and to marry that girl as quickly as possible. But Levi was having none of this marrying business. In his final year of high school, Levi dropped out and announced to the world that he was going to the North Slope to become an apprentice electrician. He worked at that trade for a month or two, until it was discovered that a high school diploma is needed to become an apprentice electrician. So Levi was fired and I suppose that he is now hanging around the night clubs and concert halls of the great city of Wasilla, Alaska.
But this story is not about Levi Johnston. It is about the confession of Bristol Palin. You may recall that a few years back, when O. J. Simpson was being tried, one of the major commentators on that trial was a woman named Greta Van Susteren. Greta had a legal degree but she turned to reporting the news about O. J. Simpson. From that point on, Madame Van Susteren went to work for the Fox Broadcasting Company. Apparently, she had made arrangements to interview Bristol Palin with the interview being scheduled for Tuesday, that fateful day of confessions. During the interview, Bristol dawdled her one-month-old son on her lap. My memory is that the boy’s name is Trig. On the other hand, I am not sure about that name because he has an uncle named Track or something of that sort.
But dawdling the boy on her lap is a peripheral exercise. The main event was that Bristol Palin said, “Abstinence is unrealistic.” You may judge Bristol harshly but she practiced what she preached. And she did it without the use of contraceptives. It is quite clear that Bristol Palin says that abstinence is unrealistic. I couldn’t agree more. But her doctrine comes apart in the second phase, where contraceptives are supposed to be used. We can’t go on populating the earth with love babies because abstinence is unrealistic. But at least Bristol Palin has had her own hour of adulation by the Fox News people.
So much for Bristol Palin. It is hoped that she and Levi will make wedding plans for some time in 2009 which will rival the wedding of Jenna Bush, the daughter of the late and lamented George W. Bush.
Now we turn to my own confession, which had to be dragged out of me by my sense of innate fairness. For many years, when I was a young swain, whatever “swain” means, I attempted to date several women around the St. Louis area. In every case, I tried to persuade those young females that abstinence was totally and thoroughly unrealistic. Why such a truth, so evident to me, was unpersuasive to those comely females in the St. Louis area is something that I will never understand. It remained for Bristol Palin to enunciate those words that abstinence is thoroughly and totally unrealistic. Unfortunately, I was generally unable to persuade the women of the St. Louis area of the truth of that statement.
For the better part of 70 years, my soul has been burdened by the thought that I should make this confession. In doing so, I find that my soul has been excited and enriched by my confession. Beyond that, I sincerely hope that the souls of Alex Rodriguez and Bristol Palin are similarly benefited. I am not trained in ecclesiastical procedures but now that this burden has been lifted from my soul, I would hope to meet some of those beautiful women who turned me down so many years ago. With my confession, there may be a case to be made for second thoughts. We will all have to be patient and see how things turn out.
E. E. CARR
February 18, 2009
Essay 367
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Kevin’s commentary:
“Swain” is one of those words that I didn’t know I knew. There are a lot of these. If someone gave me ten years and had me write down every word that came to mind, that one wouldn’t make it. I’m not sure there’s a point to this train of thought beyond ‘language is hard.’
For those curious, A-Rod’s drugs came from Florida. Human Growth Hormone is a nasty thing.
Finally, I feel it would be remiss to mention some ladies who Pop had run-ins with who would certainly agree with Bristol’s confession. They hung out in a ball room, and you can read their story here.