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ARMY SERIAL NUMBER (ASN) 17077613
If one were inclined to study a map of the United States, he would discover that in the middle Western part, there is a river that flows from the north and winds up in New Orleans. That of course is the mighty Mississippi, which was celebrated in 1927 by Jerome Kern’s production of Showboat. In…
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RANDOM ENGLISH LANGUAGE MUSINGS
This morning I managed to cut my leg in a minor manner. When I assured all concerned that the leg would not have to be amputated, I simply said, “It is all right. It just smarts.” I suspect that the use of “smarts” in that sense must have reappeared in my vocabulary after an absence…
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BASS ACKWARD-LY-NESS
My mother spoke no foreign tongues. The grammar of English, her native language, gave her enough trouble. Yet she was a master of “country speak.” She was the one who said, when she was full of food and drink, that she was “full as a tick” or “tighter than a June bug.” It was also…
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“THE MORE THINGS CHANGE THE MORE THEY REMAIN THE SAME”
LES GUÊPES, 1849 JEAN BAPTISTE ALPHONSE KARR This essay has spent a longer time than normal in gestation. I had intended to dictate it on Memorial Day, but the news from Iraq was so depressing that I could not bring myself to work on it. Now that the essay has emerged from the womb, let…
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“ISN’T IT GRAND, BOYS…”
In a recent essay, I commented on the Irish propensity for attempting to find humor in every untoward situation, including death. In the case of the demise of a loved one, there is a bawdy Irish song whose lyrics go like this: “Look at the coffin, with its bloody gold handles, Isn’t it grand, boys,…
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“IT DON’T MEAN I DON’T”
It has been 71 years and three months since I last saw Miss Maxwell, my eighth grade teacher. That period has passed with little lament from your old essayist. For most of the boys in Miss Maxwell’s eighth grade class, I think it would be fair to say that if the lamentable and regrettable period…
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“SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE A MOTHERLESS CHILD”
Well, boys, the news on every front is pretty grim these days. My $50,000 Hummer is covered by a tarpaulin because it tends to gulp great gobs of gasoline. When I took my 350 horsepower SUV to the dealer to trade it in on a smaller car, he laughed at me and told me to…
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“AIN’T A DAMN THING YOU CAN DO”
I have lived in this town for a little more than 40 years. The last 11 years have been taken up with essay writing. When I stroll down Main Street, no one nudges anyone else and says, “There goes the philosopher.” For better or worse, philosophy has not been one of the main subjects of…
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THANK YOU, BERNIE MADOFF
This morning when Bernie Madoff was sentenced (June 29), he was given a term of 150 years. He is now 71 years of age and I doubt that he will live to see the end of his term. There are no two ways about it. Bernie Madoff was a disaster for many American investors and…
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PREGNANT PONDERINGS ON POETIZING
Every pulpit pounding preacher will tell you that ecclesiastical confessions are essential to good health. I imagine those preacher were made ecstatic a week or two ago when Bernie Madoff confessed that he had committed eleven felonies. Such preachers will tell you that confessions will fix any ailment known to man or beast. And so…