Memo from George W. Bush’s speech writers to viewers and to readers:
Finally, we are free to give you the unvarnished George W. Bush, the first cowboy president of the United States. We have read that Mr. Bush was born in Connecticut and attended college at Yale and at Harvard. Mr. Bush has long since renounced those limp-wristed elite, Eastern schools in favor of Texas A and M and the superior cowboy culture of Texas. Hence, he is the first cowboy to ascend to the top of the political ladder in this country.
When we first started writing speeches for the new President, we found non-conforming wordsmiths among our ranks. They were Communists or, even worse, psuedo-Democrats. When they submitted a speech to the new president, it was laced with big, unpronounceable words that cow punchers would never use. For example, during the current scandal where CEO’s were cooking the books, they often used the word “malfeasance.” They knew that using that word in a Bush speech was wicked and wrong. The fact that when he tried on several occasions to use that word, Mr. Bush dropped the “s”, mal-fea-ance, shows the evil intent of the speechwriters rather than the president’s inability to handle words of over two syllables.
To overcome that tendency to use big words, you will notice that in this address, “Renouncing Time Zones,” we have hyphenated certain words to make them roll off Mr. Bush’s tongue with greater ease. It has taken us nearly 18 months, but we have purged the Communists, the fellow travelers and the psuedo-Democrats from the ranks of presidential speechwriters. That is why we say that we are free at last to present to you the unvarnished George W. Bush, the President of the United States by virtue of a 5-4 vote in the Supreme Court.
My fellow citizens:
May God bless America is a thought always on my mind. I hope it is on yours, too. (SMILE)
When I became president, Mr. Karl Rove, a true Texas patriot who is my prin-ci-pal advisor, found that this country was bur-den-ed by dozens of tree-tees which pre-vent-ed our country from doing what we wanted to do. That’s wrong. Our country, under God, can do anything it wants. It makes no dif-fer-ence if other countries com-plain and say we are treating them with con-tempt. The fact is that America is the greatest country ever in-ven-ted by God and we intend to see that it stays that way.
As soon as I put my feet under the desk in the Oval Office, Mr. Karl Rove began to show me the sub-ver-sive tree-tees and under-stan-dings that affected our great nation.
Before I go on, I want to say “God Bless America” once more. (SMILE)
Now about the tree-tees. One was the Ky-oto glo-bal war-ming tree-tee which said that with green-house gases, the world was getting warmer. We have a word for glo-bal war-ming in Texas: it is called bull doo doo, at least that’s what my father, the 41st president called it. I looked at the atlas Mr. Rove gave me, and lo and behold, this old Ky-oto is not located here in the sweet smelling United States of America; it is located in Ja-pan. It’s just another trick that the wily ori-ent-als are trying to frighten you good citizens of this here U. S. of A.
Then Mr. Rove showed me an anti-bal-lis-tic mis-sile tree-tee which says that America cannot have as many bal-lis-tic mis-siles as it wants. Imagine that? Why not?
Then Mr. Rove showed me a big one. It was the com-pre-hen-sive nuc-u-lar test ban tree-tee. I don’t know why some Eastern snobs pro-noun-ce that word as nu-cle-ar when ever’ cowboy knows it is nuc-u-lar. This tree-tee says we can’t have as many nuc-u-lar wea-pons as we want. How can we live with that kind of stuff? We will build as many as we want, and then some. And we will explode them when ever we want, mainly in states that voted the wrong way back in 2000.
Next, Mr. Rove showed me the bio-log-ical and chem-i-cal weapons tree-tee which limits us in our production of an-th-rax or poi-son-ous gasses. Why should we submit to such an unfair tree-tee? All of this is supposed to create peace by hog-tying us. So it has got to go. We can fill the state of Texas with an-th-rax or poi-son-ous gasses if we want to do it. Who is to stop us?
Next, Mr. Rove called my attention to the Land Mine Tree-tee which says we can’t produce land mines by the billion, if we want to do that. We can’t live without full pro-duct-ion of land mines. Ever’ country back into the Bible times had as many land mines as they needed, according to Mr. Karl Rove. And so should we and I am going to see to it land mine pro-duc-tion goes on a 24 hour basis.
Then we have the Small Arms Tree-tee. If they are talking about .410 rifles which us cowboys use to shoot gophers, why should we take those little rifles out of the hands of our cowpunchers? Tell me why? We aren’t shooting them at our wives, just gophers and crows.
Finally, we have the In-ter-nat-ion-al Crim-i-nal court, called the ICC for short, which says that if one of our soldiers gets in trouble in a foreign country, he can be charged by the ICC and sent to jail. I will never permit an American boy to be judged by the ICC no matter what he does. Never, never. Just because Clinton signed that tree-tee, I had it un-signed and that’s the way it’s going to be. And all that leads me to say, “God Bless America” once again. (SMILE)
Now all those tree-tees were signed by foreign politicians. Not a single American in the bunch. So here-with, I re-noun-ce all those tree-tees and as we say in Texas, we ad-journed signe die. That is Latin which a Yale pro-fess-or told me means it is all finished.
Now that brings me to another for-ei-gn in-spired practice know as “Time Zones.” If I understand correctly from Mr. Rove, all of the clocks in this country – and ever’ other country – are set by reference to something called the Gre-en-wich Mer-id-ian. In short, we set our clocks based upon a for-eign con-cept which happens to be English. I am told that all of this happens simply because a Mer-id-ian of the earth passes through a town in England called Gre-en-wich. What does that have to do with the time in Texas? Ab-so-lute-ly nothing!
Under the con-cept of Time Zones, which I here with gladly re-noun-ce today, some countries are ahead of Gre-en-wich and some like the God gifted United States are behind Gre-en-wich time. These are what we call Time Zones. This is all wrong. My place in Texas is six hours behind Gre-en-wich time. We are as good as those people in Eng-land, but somehow they are six hours ahead of us. That’s not right. When it’s noon in Texas, it ought to be noon ever’ where. That’s the Amer-i-can way. We fought a war with Eng-land over tea bags so we don’t have to pay at-ten-tion to the Queen any more.
Why should some Time Zones be hours ahead and others are hours behind? It makes no sense to me or to any body in my ad-min-is-stra-tion. So today, I am issuing the Uni-form Time Con-sis-tent with my Craw-ford Con-cept Exec-a-tive Order. Doing away with the old fashioned time zone requires no Con-gres-sion-al approval because it is an Exec-a-tive Order. It is just like another out-mo-ded con-cept having to do with church-state rel-a-tions. Out-mo-ded con-cepts are always trumped by my Exec-a-tive Order. Ever’ time. Out-mo-ded con-cepts have to go.
Under my Uni-form Time Con-cept (called UTCCC), all times around the world would be the same as at Craw-ford, Texas. When it is 8 AM in Craw-ford, it will be 8 AM in Bei-jing and in Mos-cow and in Lon-don. Is that clear? (FROWN)
At 9:30 PM when I go to bed in Craw-ford, ever’ body else in the world will be ready to hit the hay with me. It does people good to get a good nights sleep. I sleep; they sleep. (SMILE)
I am told that in the Far East, that when it is 9:30 PM in Craw-ford, it is 9:30 AM in the morning now. There may be some small initial drawback to the Chi-nese and the Jap-a-nese and the Fil-i-pi-nos going to bed with the sun shining in their faces, but think of the other side of the coin. Finally, we have done away with time zones. When I am asleep, ever’ body else is asleep. When I eat break-fast, ever’body else through-out the world will be setting down to hot oat meal and ba-con and eggs, jus’ like me. When I am ready to have my dinner steak at noon in Craw-ford, ever’ person on earth will be setting down to enjoy a fi-let mig-non (pro-nounced fe-lay min-yon) with me. When I call a world leader, which I do now very often, under the Un-i-form Craw-ford Con-cept, he will always be at his desk, not home in bed or ca-vort-ing with a girl friend. Some world leaders do ca-vort, but I ain’t one of them. When I think about girls, I run four miles on my tread-mill and those thoughts go away, sort of like some Arch-bish-ops I know. (SMILE)
Now I want to say a little bit about my vis-ion for Texas and for the other states in the U. S. Several years ago when my father, we call him Poppy, was running things, the Democrats and other Communists got on him because he didn’t have a vision thing. So Poppy went on TV and said he did too have a vision thing. My ad-min-is-tration also has a vision thing. When we do away with time zones, it is my vis-ion that home sales prices will go up. When we don’t have to worry about whether China is 10 or 15 hours ahead or behind us, I forget which, it is my vision that ever’ American will be operating on a full belly including Harlem, and share crop-pers in Mis-sis-sip-pi. My vision is that when we finally say goodbye to time zones, you will see a great im-prove-ment in the Dow Jones av-er-age and we can have another bigger tax cut. When ever’ body in the world eats with me and goes to bed with me at 9:30PM Craw-ford Mer-id-ian time, it is my vision that health problems will dis-app-ear and diseases like can-cer and ear aches will be no more and the national crime rate will no longer be needed. When time zones are finished, my vision is that ever’ body will love each other better then their selves. As my Bible says, the lion shall lie down with the calf. So you see, I am deeply in-vol-ved and I like to talk about the vision thing. I am sure that ever’ American will say that this old cow poke is really 100% right when it comes to the vision thing about getting rid of time zones.
Doing away with time zones is my most important con-tri-but-ion to world peace. It should have been done under my pre-da-cess-or, but I have stepped in to re-noun-ce time zones and to put the world on Craw-ford, Texas time as one means to wipe war off the map. Clinton did not do it and Roo-se-velt and Tru-man did not do it. So I did it. When we invade I-raq, it will all be done on Craw-ford Mer-id-ian Time. That way I can see how the battle is shaping up from any room in my Western White House in Craw-ford. You all know of my mil-i-tary know-led-ge which comes from my service in the Texas Nat-ion-al Guard during the Viet-nam war. That’s why I am Com-man-der in Chief in the I-raq war.
Now that I have re-noun-ced time zones, I want to deal with another thought about the rest of the world, eating supper at what used to be 6 AM in the morning. I eat my supper at 6 PM, Craw-ford Mer-id-ian Time. Foreign people will soon adapt to Craw-ford Mer-id-ian Time just as ever’ species will adapt to global warming now that I have re-noun-ced the evil Ky-oto Tre-aty. Po-lar bears, puf-fins and pen-gu-ins will not only welcome the warmer, humid weather, but it will give them a chance, finally, to get out of their winter clothes for a change. So I am sure and Mr. Rove is sure, that the rest of the world will quickly adapt to Craw-ford Mer-id-ian Time. All the foreign countries will have fun ad-apt-ing to my new con-cept. Think of it this way. When supper is eaten at what used to be 6 AM in China, people can say they are dining with Pre-si-dent Bu-sh in Craw-ford. That must be worth a lot. Mr. Rove says they use chop-sticks to eat their steak at supper in China. He says when they have a tough piece of meat, they hold it up and snap at it. Maybe if I had chop-sticks, I could use them to write orders to my generals.
Now while I am in the mood to re-noun-ce out-mo-ded con-cepts, I want to tell you that the bor-der with our neighbor to the north, Can-a-da, will be replaced by my exec-a-tive ord-er. If I can go to war against I-raq and them other Ay-rabs without con-gres-sion-al app-rov-al, why can’t we do away with the Ca-nad-ian border? It is simply a nuisance. All they ever send us are cool fronts. There is no need to talk to the Ca-nad-ians about the problems that their border being so close to the United States has caused. My exec-a-tive order obviously applies to Can-a-da as well as to this God blessed nation. We are just going to do it and notify the Can-ad-ians by letter. If they pro-test, our brave troops will invade them just like the Ay-rabs in I-raq. (FROWN)
I have several other con-cepts on my mind to go with re-noun-cing time zones. For example, Eng-land uses the same lan-gu-age as we do. Why then, do we have two separate governments? An exec-a-tive order from me will get rid of the Com-mons and the House of Lords. Their Granny Queen can come live in one of Craw-ford’s upscale sub-urbs and her husband can have a seat on the Texas Supreme Court. Her children like to ride horses. There are millions of horses in Texas, so they can act out their fan-ta-sies to their little limey heart’s con-tent. Maybe some of those Royal children would like to go out with my two girls.
With the Com-mons and House of Lords and the Royal fam-i-ly taken care of, I en-vis-ion that Eng-land will become a sub-sid-i-ary of this country much like Ken Lay had with the En-ron Cor-por-a-tion. He had so many sub-sid-i-aries that he couldn’t keep the books straight. In-ci-den-tally, some busy bodies are asking when is the FBI going to put hand cuffs on Mr. Lay. The answer is, “Never, never.” Some people say it is because of his con-tri-but-ions to my po-lit-i-cal career. That’s not it at all. He is a pa-tr-iot who says, “God bless America” all the time. If I ever have grand children, Ken Lay will be their god-father or maybe their grand father. I forget which term applies.
What I have done for England, I will also do for Aus-tra-lia and New Zea-land. (SMILE) Mr. Rove says these countries also speak English. I’ve never been there; as a matter of fact I haven’t even heard of them until Mr. Rove called my attention to them. But under my exec-a-tive order, those two little countries will become sub-sid-i-aries in the Pa-cif-ic oc-ean just like Eng-land is in the other oc-ean near New York. If they have a King or a Queen, we will put them on the payroll just like the Queen of Eng-land. When we get finished, ever’ body will be so happy that they will all say “God Bless America.”
Mr. Rove also says that if we take over Eng-land we must also take over Gib-ral-ter. I have no idea where that country is. Mr Cheney says it is very small. Maybe he will ask his old pals at Hall-i-burton to buy it for us. And while we are at it, as a favor to Mar-gar-et That-cher, Mr. Cheney may ask Halliburton to also buy the Falk-land Islands as a trinket.
I am also giving great consideration together with Mr. Carl Rove, to issuing an exec-a-tive order increasing the vote of the Far Right members of the Supreme Court to 1½ votes each except for my hero, Jus-tice
Sca-li-a, who will get two votes on ever’ issue. Thus, in my presidential case, the vote would not be 5-4 but 8 to 4, which is a much more re-spect-able mar-gin.
To avoid future need to refer election disputes to the Supreme Court, I am thinking about an exec-a-tive order cutting the elec-tor-al votes of New York, New Jersey and California by about 25 per-cent in each state. I do this all in the name of elec-tor-al e-qua-nim-ity which will keep presidential elections out of the disputes that up-set American voters. And it will con-tri-bute to world peace and keep America safe from terrorists.
At great personal sac-ri-fice, I am churning out one exec-a-tive order after another to help us with the War on Terror. (LOOK MEAN) The sooner people around the world adapt to the Craw-ford Mer-id-ian Time Zone Concept, the War on Terror can go forward much more quickly. When I put my other reforms in place such as making Eng-land a sub-sid-i-ary of the United States and giving the Supreme Court a new vote count, it will only be a matter of time until Al-Que-da turns up its toes and bites the dust, as us Texas cowboys would say.
And so my fellow citizens, I want you to wipe September 11th off your calendar. My Att-or-ney Gen-er-al John Ash-croft assures me that there is no reason what-so-ever to look into our intelligence failures on September 11th, so we can forget that. When it comes to your retirement nest egg, my chairman of the Sec-ur-i-ties and Ex-change Com-miss-ion, Mr. Harvey Pitt is right on the ball. There are people who say that Harvey Pitt is part of the problem in the in-vest-ment com-mun-ity. I have as much faith in Harvey Pitts on fin-an-cial matters as I have in the Sec-a-tary of the Army, Mr. Tom White, who worked for Enron and who sold a lot of stock just before En-ron went belly-up. My administration is full of such stars. (SMILE)
So you see with your in-vest-ments ass-ured and with John Ash-croft getting ever’ body to tattle on each other and with Tom White running the Army and with Tom DeLay, one of my Texas buddies, running Congress and with me as the Chief Exec-a-tive, you Americans have never had it so good. As a matter of fact, I am planning to issue another exec-a-tive order to do away with the con-sti-tu-tional amend-ment limiting me to two terms in office. When ever I see the Wash-ing-ton Mon-u-ment, I think what did he ever do compared to this old Texas cowboy. I am sure that Ken Lay and the folks at WorldCom would contribute to building me a mon-u-ment twice as big as the Wash-ing-ton Mon-u-ment. I’m sure all of you, my fellow citizens, would agree with them sen-ti-ments and would con-tri-bute to such a mem-or-ial.
(SMILE) And so I bid you good night with the thought that God should give his con-stant blessings to America. We deserve it, particularly under my administration with me as Pres-a-dent.
E. E. CARR
August 9, 2002
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Eh, I see where he was going with this but I felt it was overdone.
I wonder what Pop would have to say against today’s Republican nominees, most of whom make Bush look like a reasonable centrist. As the essay points out though, I think the historical consensus is that the problem is not with Bush himself but with the people around him who he trusted.