Verse 1. THE AUSTRALIAN CONNECTION
My final job at AT&T was in the Overseas Department where it was necessary to deal with all the other telecommunications organizations in the world on mutual problems. In many cases, it was a matter of maintaining harmonious relations with people who were very different from ourselves as well as people who are very much like the people found in this country. It was a job that brought considerable enjoyment to me. Among the people who contributed to that enjoyment were two Assistant General Managers of the Overseas Telecommunication’s Commission – Australia. One was Randy Payne and the other was John Hampton.
We were all veterans of World War II which contributed much to our friendship. Before long, it also developed that all of us were offended by attempts to sully the English language. John Hampton said at one point that he had heard the term “to envelopize” a problem. Randy and John were baffled by that term as their American correspondent was by “cut to the chase.” Somewhere along the line came the phrase “pushing the envelope” and the penchant of one of my colleagues for the use of the absurd word “proactive.” When a new imbecilic phrase turned up, we all laughed as its meaning was guessed at. The three of us reserved a special place in hell for those who said, “At this point in time” meaning now, or “That point in time,” meaning then. That also applied to adding the suffix “wise” to any word, such as, “It is hot here, heat-wise.”
Randy Payne died bout 20 years ago at a much too early an age. John Hampton retired and unfortunately, we have been out of contact for nearly two decades. But the search goes on. In the past few years, particularly since the Iraq war, insane neologisms are found everywhere. This is the time Randy and John are sorely needed. Here are only a few of the new words that beggar definition and meaning.
How about “awesome” or “like” as in the ardent swain saying to his beloved, “Like, I want to kiss you.” She should reply, “Like when is it going to happen?” She might also say, “You know what I mean?” Then there is the recurring phrase “you know.” When George Bush speaks extemporarily, his sentences go on and on as he says “and uh…” instead of a period. Employers are looking for people who “think outside the box.” What box are we discussing?
From the war in Iraq, we have “tipping point,” “boots on the ground,” “standing up and standing down,” “closure” and “renditions.” Rumsfeld speaks a language all his own. He loves the word “metrics,” which means nothing more than a measurement of some kind as in the war in Iraq may go on for twelve years. Twelve years is a metric and a long one.
Condoleezza Rice, the recently appointed Secretary of State, has a compulsion to use the word “task” in dubious forms. Rumsfeld, of metrics fame, joins Madame Rice in trying to dress up that well understood term, in fancy and in illogical clothing. When someone has been assigned to oversee a project, Rice and Rumsfeld will say that he or she is “being tasked” with that responsibility. Prospectively, they may say that a subordinate person is under consideration “for tasking” a certain project. Because these are peculiar American usages, Randy and John would have pummeled me endlessly, and with good reason.
On the ecclesiastical front, we have an entry from EWTN (Eternal Word Television Network), the Catholic network. They now refer to children in the womb as “pre-born.” When a birth occurs, is it possible that the child would be called a “post-born” or an “after-born”? My driver’s license says born only. “After and post born” would lend some class to a classless entry.
From the baseball commentators we now have “going yard” which means hitting a home run. This takes insanity to a lofty level.
So you can see why Randy and John are sorely missed. We have much more to work with than when we plied our trade back in the 1980’s. Like I mean, like really. It is awesome! How about, at this point in time, may we say, awesome-wise? Or, proactive-wise? How about prayer-wise?
Verse 2. WERE NUNS THAT TOUGH?
Your old essayist is at a loss to tell you if nuns who taught school were as tough as some parochial school graduates now claim. My main source is Francis Healey, a former major league catcher who is now a broadcaster of Mets baseball.
Fran is not alone in claiming that the nuns he was taught by were overly strict and that some of them were given to corporal punishment. There are those parents who want their children to be taught by demanding teachers. Perhaps that is a laudable trait, but it seems to me that something is missing here. Parochial school graduates speak not of the love of learning, but of the strictness of the teaching nuns. Rulers seem to have been used to rap knuckles of errant school boys. Is that the image that people such as Fran Healey, who must have left his parochial school 40 years ago, want to be known for?
My grade school teachers were demanding, but sometimes they would join the children in school yard games at recess. The question remains, were the parochial school nuns as tough as some graduates say they were? Were the Catholic kids that unruly? But the nuns are still at it so it is clear that some parents prefer for their kids to toe the line. Do bad boys ever get excommunicated? Maybe the Eternal Word Television Network can answer that question as soon as “pre-born” is explained satisfactorily. EWTN might explain that the so called “Morning-after pill” is designed to avoid the pre-born situation. That would be a clear definition that all of us could understand.
Verse 3. HATRED LASTS FOREVER
In previous essays, an attempt was made to describe hatred between people and countries. The Chinese, for example, are still smoldering about the treatment by the Japanese Army in World War II. The Italians are roundly hated in Ethiopia for the invasion in the 1930’s under Mussolini. In turn, the Italians hate what the German Army did to them late in World War II. The Poles hate the Germans and the Russians, with good reason. Even after 800 years, there is absolutely no love lost between the Irish and England. Old Mother England is reviled in Africa because the Brits referred to male natives as “boys” and demanded that natives call them “Master.”
Our occupation of Iraq – and particularly the torture that has been visited upon Iraqis – will earn Americans the undying hatred of Iraqis and the rest of the Arab world forever.
On the subject of torture in American prisons, Burton J. Lee III wrote an article for the Washington Post called, “The Stain of Torture.” Lee served as a doctor in the United States Medical Corps and was for four years, the presidential physician to George H.W. Bush. The final paragraph of Lee’s piece reads like this:

“America cannot go down this road. Torture demonstrates weakness, not strength. It does not show understanding, power or magnanimity. It is not leadership. It is a reaction of government officials overwhelmed by fear who succumb to conduct unworthy of them and the citizens of the United States.”

Dr. Lee, many of us believe you have said it all. This is what hatred is all about.
Verse 4: ROUSING NEWS FROM THE G-8 SUMMIT
The G-8 Summit meeting was badly overshadowed by the London bombings. Yet there were one or two statements of note.
With respect to the war in Iraq, one of the delegates proclaimed the conflict was “Laying the foundation for peace.” He really said that. Presumably, the bloodier the war in Iraq, the more likely that the foundation for peace is laid properly.
On global warming, seven out of the eight delegations were in favor of doing something about it. The United States, which contributes more to greenhouse gasses than any other country, declined to become involved. So the U.S. government holds that seven out of the eight governments are on “the wrong road.”
It may come as no surprise that the speaker in both cases was Mr. Bush. Mr. Bush may have been thrilled to learn while he was in Scotland on G-8 business, that the Shia’s have started to establish a Shia theocracy based in Basra, Iraq’s second city. A theocracy is a government based, in this case, on the Islamic religion. As far as this group of Shias is concerned, they will take a pass on democracy.
Bush may not have understood all that was going on around him in Scotland, but it is a pretty good guess that he was sobered by the events in London and in Iraq. It could – and probably will – happen here.
Verse 5: THE STAPLES SYNDROME
In recent years, it has become de rigueur to depopulate retail stores. Bakery counters don’t have people to explain the differences between breads. The products are packaged and placed in a bin and the customer is forced to paw through them.
Butchers are quickly passing from the scene as cuts of meat are packaged and placed in bins. Help at the cheese counter is largely a thing of the past all done in the name of getting rid of employees with a consequent boost in corporate earnings.
Perhaps the ultimate is the Staples office supply chain. It is quite possible to shop there for the better part of an hour and see no one but a cashier or two. The difference between products is left for the customer to divine. It is sort of like Rumsfeld saying you go to war with the Army you have. In this case, Staples has filled a store with products which may or may not fit customer requirements – and there are precious few clerks or cashiers to ask for help. Staples says it has done its part. If the customer is baffled, that is not Staples problem.
With the “no help” situation in Staple’s stores, the losses through shop lifting must be significant. But there we go worrying about Staple’s problems. Perhaps we are lucky to have the cashier available, but knowing of the desire to depopulate stores of every kind, it may not be long till they are gone as well.
The inescapable fact is that a good employee will pay for himself by showing how a product is used or by telling customers of other bargains or services supplied by the store. Ah, but the owners are not listening. Curiously, the owners do not share the increased income with the few remaining employees. They keep it for themselves. How short sighted. How immoral.
Verse 6: SOL’S POOL HALL
In Clayton, Missouri, my home town, there was a pool hall that was viewed by my mother as the ultimate den of iniquity. My mother suspected that Sol was selling some sort of beer to patrons during the days of Prohibition. That practice was known as “peddling home brew.” When Franklin Roosevelt assumed the Presidency in 1933, he legalized the sale and consumption of alcoholic beverages. At that point, old Sol – last name unknown – could sell his beer openly to players who used his pool tables.
My brothers who were 11 and 13 years older than myself, were accused by my mother of patronizing Sol’s place. As my young years advanced, Lillie, my mother, warned me that going to Sol’s would endanger my soul from any heavenly reward. All of this took place when Nora, Lillie’s sister, made home brew all during the Prohibition era. As a child, Nora’s home brew was so repulsive that now, 75 years later, there is not one atom in my body ever crying out for beer.
Secondly, the lure of pool-playing ranks somewhere below watching a dull person try to solve a crossword puzzle. My current interest in pool and golf are somewhere near zero or below.
Nonetheless, as my years mounted, Lillie was assured from time to time that Sol’s Pool Hall was not where my after-school hours were spent. Lillie was completely certain that her fervent prayers for her youngest child were paying off in terms of pool playing and drinking beer. Lillie went to her grave believing that my abstemious conduct was a product of divine intervention. Lillie knew of my non-belief in religion. She elected to declare her non-belief in my non-belief. Given that situation, it seemed best for me to let sleeping dogs lie.
Lillie never played pool in her life nor did she ever see the inside of a pool hall. Why she was so angered by the existence of Sol’s Pool Hall was inexplicable to me. But none-the-less, for more than three quarters of a century, my consumption of beer is in the range of two or three bottles per year. My visits to a pool hall over that period of time are zero. Do you believe these non-accomplishments are, in fact, divine intervention as specified by Mother Lillie? When this old geezer reaches eternal ecstasy in the hereafter, he will go to the divine ledger to see if that was indeed the case. My hope is to see Sol, who will offer me a cold one, and who will spin out the whole story. But seeing Sol, or Solomon, may be difficult because he subscribed to the Jewish faith. Perhaps Jews live in a different housing development from the Protestants. But that is an issue for another day. My unshakable belief is that Lillie and Sol will have worked things out long before it is necessary for me to knock on those golden gates.
E. E. CARR
July 5, 2005
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Most of the time when I’m shopping, I’d much rather use my phone to look up reviews for a product than listen to a biased salesperson tell me about it. And even when a phone is available, having a sales rep staring you down as you attempt to shop is pretty disconcerting for me. I was in Shanghai last week, where this practice is taken to the extreme. In one of the giant counterfeit goods markets, Jen and I made the fatal mistake of asking someone how to get upstairs. That person proceeded to follow us around doggedly for at least ten minutes, despite my becoming increasingly rude to her. “We do not want you here with us, please go away, goodbye” was insufficient deterrent to get her to leave us alone. We eventually had to leave the store to get her to go away. Maybe it’s a generational thing, or maybe I’m just antisocial, but my ideal shopping experience is one where I’m left entirely alone.