In Prague, there lived a wicked Queen named From No To. Her lovely daughter Princess To Yes From lived in a forest outside Olomouc. In a cave in downtown Brno lived another princess, Princess Two One Third. The wicked queen sold contraceptives and 10,000 old condoms.
Princess To Yes From had warm feelings toward Princess Two One Third. Princess Two One Third returned those feelings by saying that for Princess To Yes From, she had a case of the hots which in the American idiom is a “case of the hots.”
So they made a reservation on the Pan Am Clipper leaving Ostrava for San Francisco to be married. Unfortunately, using the old contraceptives, both Princesses became pregnant with abdominal pains.
At that moment, George W. Bŭshkí said he would like to invade another Ay-rab country. Off the top of his head, he said, “What about Slovakiochecko?” As Commander in Chief, president Bŭshkí said they probably have lots of nuc-u-lar weapons and chloroform, so they need to be liberated, “Just like we done to the Iraqis.”
When the real Ay-rabs became acquainted with the American plans, they said there was no need for another war. “We will just buy that Slovakiochecko country.” Bŭshkí said he wanted more, so the real Ay-rabs said they would buy Egypt and Israel as well. But no, Bŭshkí wanted to liberate them Ay-rabs in Slovakiochecko. He said this had to be done because them people had thousands of mad cow herds.
So he ordered his invading troops to be taught to speak Italian, the language of Slovakiochecko. When they liberated Prague, all soldiers were to shout, “Gli Americani sono qui!” This means, “Take me out to the old ball game because the Americans are here.” Unfortunately, nobody in Prague played much baseball.
The bad Queen From No To had to see her new grandchildren even though she had a kidney with a leak as well as a bad bladder. So she had a meeting in her castle together with her leading dragon. She invited the two Princesses who had become hostesses in a clip joint in Olomouc.
The two princesses immediately fell in love again with the American soldiers. Bŭshkí was very happy that he had single-handedly liberated another Ay-rab country. The bad Queen From No To was making plans to marry Dick Cheney with Rush Limbaugh as best man.
Examinations by the National Guard Medical Corps doctors in Alabama and in Texas showed that Princess To Yes From was 33 and 1/3rd  virgin and Princess Two One Third was a 67% virgin. The extra 1/3 percent of virginity was offered to the Catholic Church as the priests would know what to do with it.
At that instant, Prince Charles appeared balancing his tea cup in his hand. Both Princesses and the bad Queen decided that they would give Prince Charles their virginity to take home to Queen Elizabeth at Sandringham Castle.
And everyone lived happily ever after, especially that fierce warrior Prince Charley! The Prince looks radiant because Czech doctors told him he was pregnant!
E. E. CARR
2-18-04
Note: The “arthur” of this here Fairy Story thinks it ought to take prizes in Czech and in English literature.
~~~
…Was Pop high?
Also what am I missing here? With the crazy names, it seems like there should be puns or something, but I’m just utterly lost. What did I just read.
EDIT:
Judy sheds some light via email.
Kevin,
This was a bit strange at the time, but it was aimed at Hana Davis (Howard’s wife). She was born in Czechoslovakia and is a very bright lady. Her sense of humor matched Ed’s and they often had interesting telephone exchanges. She was an admirer of British Royalty as England took her in during the Holocaust. The genesis of the essay probably had something to do with one of those conversations, but Ed sent the essay to Howard, so maybe it started at his request. This is the only time that I recall he actually wrote an absurd essay instead of sending a letter.
Ed had long running correspondence with various individuals on topics that would go on for years. With each consecutive correspondence, the story line would be embellished by both parties. With Sven in Sweden, it was about the Russian submarines sneaking into Stockholm and reading and delivering the essays to Sven. With Harry Livermore, it was about growing hair on the top of their heads or about their shared time in Chicago. With Cal Tuggle, a world class good ‘ol Southern-boy storyteller, it was often about Yulee, Florida and the city officials there (Ed apparently got a speeding ticket in Yulee.) Those are particularly hilarious.
It was weird to me when Ed wrote this one. But I never questioned him.