Ezra’s Essays have been distributed to the movers and shakers around the world for the past 13 years. In all that time, there have only been a few occasions when the proprietor of Ezra’s Essays has been moved to make an award. In the current case, the proprietor of Ezra’s Essays is moved to award the National Broadcasting Company the First Annual Trophy for Priggishness and Prissiness. If you will stick with me for a few minutes of reading, I will reveal how this award came into being.
The story starts early in the summer of 2010, when the President of the United States ordered the establishment of a commission on why we are going broke. Obviously, it could not be called the commission for why we are going broke, so the formal title is the National Commission on Fiscal Responsibility and Reform. When the commission was established, there were two principles named to head it. One was Erskine Bowles, who had occupied a number of positions in Democratic administrations over the years. He is well respected and is a gentleman to boot. The other post went to Alan Simpson, who is a retired Republican senator from Wyoming. I have always respected Simpson because I believe that he is basically honest, and he will tell you exactly why something took place without all of the Washington doublespeak.
As you might expect in a Commission conceived by Mr. Obama, his creation has no powers of subpoena and relies on the truthfulness of the people who appear before it. If they speak untruths, the commission is largely powerless to subpoena them and subject them to any penalty. The Commission is another effort by the current administration in bipartisanship.
Erskine Bowles, the ultimate gentleman, is skilled in the use of diplomatic language. His counterpart, Alan Simpson, is quite the reverse. Simpson is down to earth and given to colorful and earthy language to make his points.
The reason for the reward to NBC comes from a news report of August 26. In an email originating with Alan Simpson to Ashley Carson, Executive Director of the National Older Women’s League, Alan Simpson compared Social Security to “a milk cow with 310 million tits.” Well, the reference to “tits” flustered the moguls at the headquarters of NBC and it was ordered deleted from all news broadcasts later in the day. Even Keith Olbermann, who is often guilty of using earthy language, has been barred from saying the word “tits.” Perhaps because of the fact that older women were involved in this email, NBC thought that it was best to avoid mentioning the word “tits.”
I am also aware that in the American version of the English language, the word teats is often pronounced as “tits.” But the fact of the matter is that Simpson wrote it in an email message. I would have hoped that NBC would have reported the news without fear or favor. But priggishness and prissiness took over the NBC executives at the top of the rock in New York City. Simply put, they apparently ordered the deletion of the word “teats” from the broadcast that evening. But significantly they provided no alternative. Olbermann for example was in a position of using the word blank or saying the word teats. To Olbermann’s credit and his boss’s dismay, he said the forbidden and harsh word “teats.”
Miss Chicka and the proprietor of Ezra’s Essays found the incident very amusing. In Miss Chicka’s case, she was the daughter of the owner of the Jersey Dell Dairy Farm in western Pennsylvania. In my own case, I was born on the Lilac Roost Dairy Farm in eastern Missouri. Both of us knew that dairy farms come at the end of a long series of minor miracles.
It all starts with the cow who provides us with the milk we drink and the ice cream we gobble up. It is a major miracle that cows eat green grass in the summer and brown fodder in the winter and turn it into white milk. I am much more willing to believe this to be a miracle as opposed to Jonah in the whale or Joshua stopping the sun in its tracks.
The cows are unable to put the milk in convenient locations. Every day the cows have to be milked, sometimes twice a day. This was accomplished by, in the old days, a milker using a short-legged stool sitting beside the cow and grasping the teats and squeezing and pulling them. He also would have a pail into which the milk would go. When the man milking the cow achieves a certain rhythm, there is a zinging sound as the milk enters the pail. This is a choreographed arrangement with the milker being perched on one side and then moving to the other side while carefully avoiding the cow’s hooves. If she is disturbed, she may kick the man in the shins or knees with disastrous results. One of my older brothers, who was not known for his veracity, told me that white milk came out of the two front teats and that chocolate milk came from the two rear teats.
Because I was small at the time when my brother informed me of how things are done in the milking process, I have now referred this chocolate milk question to James Reese, who holds a degree in animal husbandry from a prestigious university in Iowa. The first question is, “If he is an expert on animal husbandry, whatever happened to animal wifery?” So far, Mr. Reese has not responded to that question. Nor has he provided a respectful answer to the dilemma about white milk coming from the front teats and chocolate milk coming from the rear teats.
If you were listening to the news broadcast on August 26 and heard the confusion about the great teat controversy. I am not at all surprised. I believe that NBC richly deserves this Award for Priggishness and Prissiness. Beyond all that, I hope that you have been reasonably informed on how the milk in your refrigerator starts out as green grass or brown fodder. The facts in the matter are that female cows have a holding tank near the back part of their bodies into which milk is gathered and extracted through the teat arrangement. As someone who comes from a dairy farm as Miss Chicka and I do, it is terribly distressing to know that NBC considered the appendages to the cow’s udder as horrid words. Cows don’t wear brassieres, corsets or clothing that conceals their udders or their teats. I suppose that they have been getting along reasonably well since the beginning of time under the current arrangement. It is only the NBC executives at the top of the rock who wish to protect their listeners from horrid words. The proprietor of Ezra’s Essays finds their conduct not only priggish and prissy but also a matter of udder ridiculousness.
E. E. CARR
August 29, 2010
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Kevin’s commentary:
Okay a few things:
1) “The great teat controversy” would be an excellent name for a rock band.
2) Speaking of great teats, the French thought that that very same phrase would be a good name for a mountain range. “Hey Francois, what do you think of these mountains?” “Well, Gaspard, they look like big ol’ titties.” “Grand Tetons it is!”
3) Crude Frenchmen should be in charge of naming every new discovery from here on out. “Jacques, come quick! I found a new binary star system! What should I call it?” “They look like balls. They shall be ‘les testicules lisses brillants’!
4) I love that there has to be a commission for investigating why we have no money. I guess “we spend more money than we bring in” is too straightforward
5) I’m glad that Pop wasn’t the only sassy one in the Carr clan. The idea that part of the udder makes chocolate milk is something that I could easily see my mom telling me when I was a kid.