I have never been known for clear thinking on ecclesiastical matters. As a matter of fact, I am perhaps the last one to catch on to the fact that God is a Republican. I could have deduced that from my own reasoning, but a cloud of uncertainty hung over my identifying the Republican Party and God. All of that is gone now and I am here to say that without doubt, God is a Republican. I could have and should have come to this conclusion much earlier but at least I have finally gotten it right. The simple fact is that God is a Republican.
For the eight years that it took for George W. Bush to serve out his term, he made several references to God. I should have known that his God-like references were inspired by the Holy Spirit. But my mind refused to recognize the obvious. During the 2004 campaign, George Bush made a speech to all the students of the Bob Jones University in South Carolina and seemed to wallow in righteousness there. As an aside, Bob Jones University forbids interracial dating and it is obvious that dating between sexes is not contemplated by the Bible and thus is suspect. I should have known that God is a Republican for the obvious reason that when George W. Bush elected to run for the Presidency, he claimed that the inspiration for such a move came solely from God. Clearly the last person that God and George W. Bush would consult would be a non-believer like me. But that does not alter the fact that it is clear that God is a full-fledged Republican.
All doubt was removed as I listened to the entreaties by the Republican candidates for the nomination in 2012. It is clear from the utterances of such stalwarts as Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann, and several others that they had the endorsement of God himself. I believe that there was one occasion or perhaps more when Rick Perry, the Governor of Texas, offered to pray for his nomination. It is absolutely clear that Mrs. Bachmann is on the right side of this election which has celestial overtones.
Then there was the interesting case of Herman Cain, who was known previously for his involvement in making pizzas. Herman Cain is blessed with a fine baritone voice, which he uses to sing spiritual songs. It might also be noted that it is claimed that Mr. Cain was involved with several women simultaneously. I am certain that these dalliances with these females come under the heading of righteous conversions.
Then there is the case of Rick Santorum. Mr. Santorum is a former Senator from the great state of Pennsylvania. He is also the advocate of boisterous Catholicism. He points proudly to his six or seven children. This establishes the fact that there were few instances when Mrs. Santorum used birth control.
Mr. Romney who will probably emerge as the nominee for the Republican Party has said very little on the religious front. But his views are well-known and you may rest well-assured that Mr. Romney welcomes God into the ranks of the Republican Party.
This leaves two contenders for the Republican nomination. For all intents and purposes Ron Paul is not a contender on the side of religion. On the other hand, Newt Gingrich apparently has regular conversations with celestial powers. He claims that God has forgiven him for the three divorces that have occurred. Apparently God does not issue vouchers when a divorce is forgiven but in any event Newt Gingrich must be in constant communication with the top person in the universe because of his indiscretions in marital relationships.
I would have known that God is a Republican if I had studied the writings or warnings of Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell. One or both of these pastors claimed that the manifestation of the hurricane that nearly killed New Orleans resulted from the nakedness of the female breasts during the Mardi Gras parade that year. It now becomes clear to me that the candidates for the Republican nomination would not have undertaken such a major operation without approval of God. And it should have been clear to me that Hurricane Katrina, which almost wiped out New Orleans, was a result of the showing of the female breasts during the Mardi Gras parade that year. I don’t know how I could have been so dumb.
Now in the Republican chase for the nomination, Ron Paul has made so little noise that you might suspect that he is not a Christian at all. Mr. Paul claims that he is a libertarian, which goes to explain his lack of action on the religious front. Mr. Romney could probably be excused because he spent a year in France whipping up support for the Mormon Church. Mr. Romney spent his year abroad seeking converts to the Mormon faith. I would suspect that very few French are Mormons because of their desire to drink wine. Wine of course is forbidden to Mormons. But we must point out that God has election returns at his fingertips and he knows that Mormons are only a small part of the American electorate.
One more thing comes to mind having to do with language. I suppose that when God speaks with Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell or any of the Republican candidates, the language that is used is English. Two thousand years ago, the proper language was Aramaic. I am wondering now who will take credit for teaching God English so that he can support Republican candidates. The Republicans, as you will recall, are dead set on everybody learning English.
As you can see, the news that God is a Republican has finally become evident to this non-believer. Everyone else knew that God was a Republican and I suspect that that [sic] news was kept from me because of my religious views. But now everyone knows and I cannot wait to hear the confidences explained to God by the operatives of the Republican Party. So I will await the developments in November, realizing that the righteous path is always the path of the Republican Party. I do not know how I could have been so ignorant over the years.
E. E. CARR
May 5, 2012
Essay 651
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God/Satan theme for the day. I’m actually really looking to pushing into the Bush administration years, just to see the sheer volume of essay criticizing him.
As for who taught God English, I suppose the only logical answer is Joseph Smith, who traded god a dictionary when he received his golden plates.