In 1942, we were at war with the Axis powers of Germany, Italy, and Japan. In the summer of that year, I joined or enlisted in the American Army. During that period dating back to 1940, there was a draft system in place which compelled young men to submit to military discipline in, most likely, the American Army. There are pluses and minuses in the draft system, but I believe that on balance, at least from a linguistic point of view, the draft system worked to my advantage. It gave me exposure to the culture of young men throughout the United States who used expressions that were of considerable interest to me.
The title of this essay is taken from soldiers who came from the southern states or from Indiana. The fellow from Indiana was named Gertener. Southerners and the people from Indiana used colorful metaphors and “giving a rat’s ass” was one of them.
Now we proceed to the real purpose of this essay. On Saturday, June 12, I thought that it was my patriotic duty to listen to the opening game of the World Cup series in soccer or football. Why we call it soccer when the rest of the world calls it football is beyond me, but in any event, on Saturday, June 12, the United States was matched against England. The point that is most significant here is that England claims to have invented football or soccer. That is fine with me, but I wish to tell my British compatriots that, after listening to broadcasts of soccer or football games, it is a boring, boring, boring game.
There were two reasons primarily for my tuning in to the broadcast of the US-English game. In the first place, I am an American who still thinks that King George III of England was a complete fraud. Secondly, I am not only an American, but my ancestry is thoroughly Irish. On grounds of both American citizenship and Irish ancestry, there is no reason to love England. But as I have done in other World Cup series, I have attempted to force myself to listen to the broadcast of games involving the United States and England and other countries. A few years back, when I could see, I attempted to watch the games. Now, in blindness, I am forced to rely on radio accounts. After 15 minutes of listening to the US-English game, I was thoroughly frustrated. My XM radio, which seems to bounce signals off the moon, was covering the game in South Africa. The announcer was British and, because of the slowness of the action, I could follow the events reasonably well. England scored the first goal, which the announcer, as all announcers do in soccer, let out a cry of “gooaaal.” It took him perhaps a minute between the first syllable and the last syllable to say there was a “g-ooooo-l.” All announcers tend to do this I think, but I must comment that it is thoroughly stupid.
A little while later, the United States scored a goal, mainly because the English goal keeper was thoroughly screwed up. My English announcer made it clear that this goal keeper was worthless.
So after 15 minutes of complete boredom, as I had done four and eight years ago, I turned the radio off. The silence in the room was about as interesting as the soccer match between the US and England. I may return to listen to a broadcast later on in the World Cup series out of patriotism and quite certainly I again will be bored.
The English have a penchant for inventing boring, boring, boring games. Consider cricket, where matches go on for a day or two. Consider their invention of golf. I cannot imagine anyone becoming excited over a golf game. How about the British invention of polo? Beyond cricket and golf, there is the wonderful world of tennis. To my ears, listening to a description of a tennis match is, as my friend from Indiana would say, “not worth a rat’s ass.” The same could be said about polo and cricket and other English games. Why in the world do the English invent such stupidly boring games? I have no answer but I can also say with great accuracy that the broadcast of these games will tell you that they are not worth a rat’s ass.
This same description could also be used for yacht racing, particularly with Tony Hayward of the BP oil spill in command. Yacht racing is one more boring English game.
To dress up this expression, I have made arrangements in the title for an adjective to be involved before the words “rat’s ass.” It can be an obese rat’s ass or a skinny rat’s ass or a voluptuous rat’s ass. I leave it up to my readers to invent their own adjectives, knowing that the expression “rat’s ass” will be enlightening and illuminating. Even Gertener from Indiana might be surprised.
There are two English games that seem to want to avoid the use of the word “zero.” The first is soccer, where the term that is used for zero is nil. The second is tennis, where the word for zero is love. It seems to me that young men who are on the make could get these terms confused between soccer and tennis and romance. It could well be that a young man with romantic intentions might say to a woman who was similarly inclined, “Why don’t we go to my hotel room and make nil?” Of course, he had love-making in mind, but with the World Cup now in session, he would then confuse the term nil for love. I dislike these two games sufficiently that I have never made this mistake. But by the time the finals in the World Cup are played two weeks from now, we may well find the young swain trying to persuade a comely female to make nil with him. Stay tuned for further bulletins.
This then is my report about Americans of Irish ancestry once again trying to become interested in the World Cup games. I have done my best but I cannot get over the feelings that the broadcast of such games is thoroughly and totally not worth a rat’s ass.
Andrea Mitchell, who is a prominent NBC commentator, would refer to this expression as the “A word.” Another commentator I heard spelled out the word “ass.” As a peasant, I have no trouble whatsoever in pronouncing such words as rat’s ass. The World Cup will take two weeks to complete the games because there are 64 teams involved. If you wish to become thoroughly bored, you may listen to them, but I am here to tell you that such broadcasts are not worth a luscious rat’s ass.
The same goes for broadcasts of golf, tennis, cricket, polo and yacht racing. Rule Britannia. Britannia rules the waves. “Like hell they do!”
E. E. CARR
June 19, 2010
Essay 464
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Kevin’s commentary:
Those are fighting words, if ever I heard them! Well, at least, they would be fighting words if I gave a rat’s ass about any of the sports mentioned. I feel confident though that if I were a supporter of cricket, golf, yadda yadda then I would react strongly to this essay. But let’s up the ante a little bit – I think that while golf and soccer take the gold and silver medals for most mind-numbingly boring games of all time, baseball probably picks up the bronze. At least polo has horses, and tennis moves quickly! I realize this may displease the author of Ezra’s essays, who always hoped that his grandsons would grow up to be big league pitchers and shortstops and what not. But the fact remains that a game where nine tenths of the time is spent watching a pitcher mill around on the mound and spit is not an engaging one.
I think the point here is that very few (read: zero) sports are actually engaging in their own right, but rather depend on specific loyalties to build and retain viewership. For instance, people who used to play baseball, or feel loyalty to particular cities, or whose families have traditionally supported a given team, or who have a favorite star player, or whose friends predominantly socialize during baseball broadcasts, or whathave you will invest some time to learn the subtleties of the game for this reason. The more in-depth that one knows a game and its players, the more rewarding it is to watch the professionals excel. This is true for any sport, and is the reason that I can watch a Starcraft broadcast for hours on end but can’t watch a soccer match for the life of me.