I keep two identical dictating machines on my desk. The left one is for dictations that I turn over to Mrs. Eva Baker for transcription. The right one is for notes about future essays. Recently I recorded some notes on the subject of lamentations which was a subject I wanted to do an essay on. When my wife, Miss Chicka, read these notes, she concluded that they were worthy of an essay. This morning, I listened to these notes. I concluded that quite possibly that was true.
So herewith are the notes that I prepared for the subject of lamentations. Incidentally, if you are looking for Lamentations in the Bible, it is in the back near Ezekiel. If you go past Ezekiel, you’ve gone too far. The route word for lamentations is of course “lament.” In the following, I did not observe this rule because it seemed sad. You will find some of my lamentations are quite cheery, for example, my wanting to play baseball for the St. Louis Cardinals. I suspect that I should have written this essay much earlier, but these are a handful of my notes about the current state of my lamentations.
I wish that the physicians with whom I have appointments would meet their schedules. I am revolted by physicians who show up 30 to 40 minutes late. So I wish the physicians would be on time. Given the state of my health these days, this has become a major concern. If I am going to waste time, I would prefer that it would not be in waiting for physicians to keep their appointments.
When I am forced to wait 20 minutes or 30 minutes, I am angry. I think of all the things I am going to say to these physicians, but I never say them.
I wish I had been a catcher for the St. Louis Cardinals. In this case, I wish I had been a catcher for the Cardinals during their glory years, when they won a string of World Series. I would have been happy to be a Major League catcher, but if it were for the St. Louis Cardinals, my hometown team, it would make me extraordinarily happy.
I wish to relive some of the days, for example, when I found out that I was going to work for the New York Telephone Company. During those days, I found out that I was being promoted and that I was going to work for some wonderful gentlemen in the in the New York Telephone Company. Working for the New York Telephone Company was a high point in my career. I wish I could relive those days when I was younger and felt that there would be no limit to my achievements.
I wish that my grandsons will find prosperity wherever they turn. There are five grandsons and I wish them all well. Most of all, I wish for my grandsons to be happy. If I had granddaughters, which I don’t have, I would wish the same thing for them as well.
Miss Chicka says that she wishes that she were four inches taller. I have no control over such things. I do not object to her wish for greater height.
I wish that the process of dying could be expedited without all of the pain and delay so that other people could get on with their lives. I do not have a death wish. When the end is inevitable, I am willing to accommodate it. I realize that it is not under my control, but in keeping with the spirit of “I wish,” I wish it were under my control so that I could let other people get on with their lives.
I wish for my wife to always be happy at all times.
And I wish also that I could see once again. This is not an obsession with me, as I had plenty of warning about my failing eyesight. But nonetheless, it would be nice, extremely nice, if I could see once again.
I wish that I could have hit 60 home runs in the major leagues while I was a catcher for the St. Louis Cardinals. But that of course never happened. This is a trip to fantasyland but again as long as we are indulging in happy lamentations, this is my wish.
I wish that I could sing like Luciano Pavarotti. But the fact is that I was a baritone and never even a soloist.
All my life I have been interested in railroads. I wish, for example, that I could spend a good bit of time riding on the Illinois Central train called the “City of New Orleans.” I always found railroads fascinating and I am sure that there are other trains that could compete with the City of New Orleans for my attention. Let’s let it go by saying that I have always been a railroad buff.
My wish list is almost endless. This will give you an idea of what I had in mind when I set out to write about my list of lamentations.
These are only a few of my lamentations after a long life. For some reason or another, I have always been attracted to the word “lamentations.” But in this case, these are only a few things that I lament, both happy and sad.
There are many more things that I could lament. But I think this is enough to give you an idea of the notepad that yielded these lamentations. So without further adieu, I leave you to your own lamentations with the thought that I hope they are as happy as mine have been and that you will live as long as you wish to live, and in good health.
E. E. CARR
August 13, 2013
Essay 762
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Kevin’s commentary: I just read this essay three times in a row. I have concluded that Pop enjoys throwing curveballs with his essay titles. For instance, the last essay published on this site entitled “please, give me vote” made me expect a political essay, perhaps about gerrymandering. Pop’s political essays tend to be very lighthearted. So that one was a surprise when it turned out to be a discussion of end-of-life decisions.
For “lamentations,” I braced for one of his harder-to-read essays. What I found instead was a candid look into Pop’s dreams and wishes, many of which are selfless. These were almost entirely all new to me, and I am so glad to see them written down. I think the sixth was my favorite. The fifth is the only one with which I take any issue, not because of the spirit of the wish but rather with the phrasing, which implies that Pop is preventing people from “getting on with their lives.” Maybe my glasses are a little rosy but to me, I can’t think of one person who is in any sort of rush to get on with an Ezra-free life. So my corresponding wish would be that he goes a little bit easier on himself in the months ahead.
“Lamentations” also makes me think about the concept of regret. In my generation it is in vogue to say that one has zero regrets in life. Next time it makes sense to do so, I’d encourage you to ask someone around my age to see how they answer. Partially I guess that it’s a comfort thing — that people’s regrets tend to be very personal, and asking someone to share theirs is tantamount to asking them to exposing their weakest moments. Partially it’s laziness, in that “I don’t have any” is a much easier answer to give than an honest one. But largely I think it’s a response to the self-esteem culture that we’ve been raised in, which (correctly) identifies that dwelling on your regrets and faults is a quick way to get yourself very depressed. I think that gets taken too far sometimes though. We always hear to “always remember your dreams” but to “never regret anything” which oftentimes are conflicting statements because in reality many dreams don’t get recognized. I’m moved by the fact that as Pop, who has at the time of writing this cleared his 91st year, thinks broadly about his “lamentations,” being a baseball star comes in right off the bat, so to speak. He’s probably held that dream for over three times as long as I’ve been on this Earth. I think that’s amazing.
I’m considering making an “all-time-favorite” tag just for this post. If I wind up doing it, I think I’ll limit that tag to applying to 3 or 4 essays per year of authorship. In the meantime I would love to see more introspective essays like this one.