In the last week of July, Hillary Clinton, our Secretary of State, made a trip through Southeast Asia, winding up in Islamabad, the capital of Pakistan. All of this was done before she came home to attend the wedding of her daughter. While Mrs. Clinton was in Islamabad, it is reported that she gave the Pakistani government $500 million.
Mind you, the $500 million was not all that we had given the Pakistanis. Apparently they have been on our payroll for as long as Pakistan has existed. We are not only supporting the Pakistanis but the Afghans as well. And then there are the many other nations in the rest of the world who look to the United States for payoffs.
This has been sort of a haphazard way of doing business, with the Secretary of State passing out large chunks of cash here, while the Secretary of Defense passes out large chunks of capital there. As a matter of fact, it seems that nearly everyone wants to get into the business of passing out US dollars to foreign entities.
What I am proposing here is to create a new department of government specifically aimed at legitimatizing the passing out of cash to foreign governments. It will be called the Department for Peeing Away Our Hopes of Prosperity before Life Has Ended. I know that this is an unwieldy title but it seems to me that we ought to have a systematic way for peeing our way into financial obscurity.
The new Secretary for peeing away our financial resources is inevitably the gentleman from New York, Bernie Madoff. Madoff is serving a 150-year term in a penitentiary. During this time, we will be serving him three delicious meals each day, for which he does very little. I am certain that Bernie would be delighted to get back into the business of handling cash and also being associated with the United States government.
The President of the United States, Mr. Obama, has searched futilely for partners on the other side of the political aisle. The people on the other side of the aisle have told Mr. Obama that they have no intention of joining him in an effort to promote the benefit of this country. They have told him that their answer is “No.” Working together is clearly out of the question. But there is a way around this.
Let us assume that we continue to force money on the Afghans, the Pakistanis, the Yemenis, et al. Under Bernie Madoff’s guidance, it will soon develop that two Republican objectives will be achieved before long. As everyone knows, the Republicans decry entitlements. Two of the entitlements that arouse Republican ire are Social Security and Medicare.
Now if we continue to send great big bundles of cash to Islamabad and to the other foreign capitals in Southeast Asia, we will find that before long there will be a spirit of cooperation with the other side of the aisle in Congress. The time will come, under Bernie Madoff’s leadership, when we will be dead broke. At that point, Secretary Madoff will announce that it will be impossible to issue any Social Security checks in the future. So one objective that the Republicans have been trying to achieve since 1936 will have been accomplished. There will be no more Social Security.
In short order Secretary Madoff will have to announce that Medicare has run out of money and has no prospect of ever getting any more money. And so the second entitlement, which started under Harry Truman, will also be discontinued. At this point, Mitch McConnell’s heart will be filled with joy, and he will announce that the establishment of the department of peeing away our fortunes is a colossal success.
I assume that when Mrs. Clinton laid the $500 million on the Pakistani President, he smiled and told her that in a matter of weeks the Pakistanis would wipe out the Taliban and would promote democracy throughout that country. And I am certain that he would have delivered these lines with a straight face. But as soon as Mrs. Clinton’s plane was in the air, he would call in the good ol’ boys club and tell them that it was time to party. All this of course is on the dime of the United States. I don’t profess to know much about anything, but I do know that if we try to support the rest of the world through cash payments, there will come a time when we are unable to deliver those payments. This may be inelegantly stated, but we can’t go ahead and pee our way into prosperity. Sooner or later, and I believe it will probably be sooner, we will have to balance the books.
But in the meantime, Obama should be happy because he will have achieved cooperation from the other side of the aisle, which seems to me to have been one of his main objectives since he came into office. And, more importantly, it will give Bernie Madoff a meaningful job which will keep his hands out of the pockets of ordinary Americans. When you achieve an objective such as Bernie Madoff’s reformation and Obama’s desire for cooperation in one simple package, I am here to tell you that such a deal is a complete winner. This is like hitting a home run with the bases loaded, or a perfect game. Obama can retire because there will be nothing left for him to accomplish. And I will now retire from dictating this essay.
E. E. CARR
August 1, 2010
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Kevin’s commentary: I’ve always felt like we already have a department dedicated to wasting huge amounts of cash. Naturally I am referring to the military. Of course, I’m fully in favor of keeping an army around to keep us from getting bombed or invaded. It’s just the whole worlds, policeman who occupies everyone bit that irritates me.