This essay purports to comment on the conduct of females in restaurants which has come to be disturbing in some cases. Before I am accused of bias against females, I would cite at least two points in my defense. Those of you who have read Ezra’s Essays over the years know that I am a fierce defender of the right of females to control their own bodies and lives. Few things make me angrier than male preachers and clerics deciding what is moral and legal for women to do. Secondly, I would like to point out that my mother was a woman. My wife is a woman. My daughters are women and so are my sisters. I hope that these two factors will destroy any contention that I am writing this out of bias against women.
When my wife and I go to a restaurant to enjoy a meal, it is usually at lunch. The bulk of our luncheons take place in the town of Millburn, New Jersey where we now reside. We now rarely go out for dinners any more. It may be that I am becoming sensitive in my old age, but to me a restaurant meal is something to be enjoyed. I regret the fact that on several occasions the chatterings of other female guests make enjoyment of a meal unenjoyable.
There are two occasions that I will cite to make my point. In this town we have a theater called a playhouse which offers matinees on Thursdays. Matinees during business hours of course attract female viewers. That is all well and good. I am a great proponent of theater offerings. On the other hand, when a collection of females meets in preparation to have a meal and then to see the matinee performance, the enjoyment of other diners is put at risk. This is so much so that my wife and I refuse to consider luncheons on Thursdays in local restaurants.
I presume that these women theater goers see each other regularly. But when they meet for lunch, they act as though they have not seen each other for a lifetime. When little jokes are told, the laughing is uproarious. And then there are those women who seek to dominate the discussions.
Goodness gracious, I am all in favor of women enjoying themselves at lunch. When it reaches a point that other diners cannot communicate with the waiters, it is time to dampen the celebration.
There is another example in which two or three women meet for lunch and are accompanied by children. When the mothers become engaged in conversation, the children become restless and often start to wander around the restaurant. Frequently the mothers are asked whether the children may have this or that desert. The mothers are so engaged in their conversation that they often say that it is all right. Recently we had a disastrous luncheon at a new restaurant in Millburn. The mothers were engaged in loud conversations while their children wandered about the restaurant. In addition to that, it being a warm day, the door was open. This place is located on Main Street where there is a hill to climb shortly after leaving the restaurant. Aside from the chatter between the two women and their children, we had to listen to motorists, particularly truckers, who were revving up their engines in preparation for climbing the hill outside the restaurant.
I am not particularly expert on the subject of negotiations with females, but it seems to me that if my memory is correct, men often have a proposition to offer their female companions. It may be a trip to Bermuda, or it may be simply to persuade the female to accompany the man to his hotel room. Under the circumstances I have described, such as the pre-matinee luncheon and the meeting of mothers with their children, I cannot imagine a man finding an opportunity to proposition his girlfriend. This of course is a great loss to mankind. Restaurants ought to be kept quiet so that such propositions are properly heard.
Well, those are my thoughts about chattering women. I will remind you that if you have read Ezra’s Essays, you know that I am a fierce defender of the right of women to control their bodies. More than that, I again point out that my mother, my wife, my daughters, and my sisters are all female. I believe that those are circumstances which make it thoroughly impossible for anyone to claim bias by this author in his treatment of females.
I suppose that what I am looking for is a little less exuberance when females dine, the thought being that they should concentrate on the meal that they are about to enjoy. And if a flattering proposition occurs somewhere before the desert course, the woman should consider that a complete dividend. All of this goes to prove that George Washington said that “Silence is golden.” I am also told that General Washington was not opposed to propositions made in restaurants to comely females.
E. E. CARR
October 1, 2010
Essay 499
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Kevin’s commentary:
Oh man, this one just SCREAMS “Ed wrote this.”
One of the most famous Shepherd-family-stories about Pop comes from the late 1980s, when my older brother was still a toddler. We were visiting Pop and Judy and for some reason, Connor got up very early and found himself eating breakfast with just Pop, who at the time was watching the news. Connor was babbling incessantly about nothing useful, as he is still wont to do, and eventually Pop resorted to bribing him with additional Cheerios to shut him up. I think that this is a brilliant ploy and may attempt to make the same bargain with my grandchildren.