In the 13 years that Ezra’s Essays have appeared in print, the editor has manfully and cheerfully tackled such third-rail subjects as politics and religion. But in that long period of time, there have been a dearth of essays on the subject of sex. We are going to try to make up for that dearth in the essay that follows. It has to do with nothing but sex, sex, sex in all of its prolific forms.
The major players in today’s essay on sex are Bambi, a female deer, and Dondo, her companion, who is a full-fledged buck. My research has disclosed that for ten or ten and a half months per year the deer here in New Jersey behave themselves. They enjoy eating my shrubs and plants and I am told that they are frequent church goers. So much for behaving themselves. When the frost is on the pumpkin – namely right now – the deer enjoy themselves to the fullest. It would make the mayor of Las Vegas or Reno, Nevada blush.
For about six or seven weeks at this time of the year the deer have a fling called “the rut.” The online dictionary says that the definition of rut is as follows: “an annual recurrent state of sexual excitement in the male deer.” It appears that the definition of rut as produced by the computer deals with sexual excitement in the male deer without any sense of delicacy. There is no reference to excitement among the does or female deer. My research has disclosed that at this time of year, sexual excitement happens to both the male and the female deer. For example, if a male deer or a buck sees a doe like Bambi wiggle her hips a bit, it will set off a passion that is unquenchable, but only at this time of year. That passion can only be cooled by engaging in the ritual that has been called “the rut” immediately. I suppose that it does not take a Rhodes Scholar to figure out what the rut consists of. Putting it pruriently, it is a matter of sexual relations between the male and the female deer.
As I have said, the rut lasts for several weeks at this time of the year. My research has also shown that deer may perform the rut on four or five occasions during the day and evening. This occurs when they are not eating my shrubs and flowers. It must be observed that deer are not monogamous and feel free to change sexual partners at will. In this case, however, I find that Bambi, the doe, has taken a special liking to Dondo, an amorous buck deer.
It must also be observed that when the mood to perform the rut strikes the deer, they do it openly and without hiding from anyone. Obviously there are no hotels or tourist cabins that cater to deer who are involved in the rutting season. And of course, very few deer carry credit cards that the hotels would honor.
There is an immediacy to performing the rut. That is the major reason why the New Jersey director of traffic and the American Automobile Association warn drivers at this time of year that deer may be performing the rut in the middle of our road.
Now there is one more factor that we must consider in our exploration of the performance of the rut. My extensive research has shown that when performing the rut, both partners keep their eyes tightly closed from beginning to end. So at this time of year we have a situation in which deer are performing the rut, often in the middle of a highway, and are doing so with their eyes tightly closed.
Now let us consider a busy highway or a busy road near our property. The road is called White Oak Ridge and it carries a good bit of automobile and truck traffic. Let us suppose that the rut overtakes Dondo and Bambi and that they are performing the rut in the middle of the road with their eyes tightly closed. A driver for the United Parcel Service may very well come down our street and turn on White Oak Ridge and, while the driver is looking to avoid traffic, he may strike Dondo and Bambi.
Unfortunately, this happens much too often. But it is good for the people who repair automobiles and trucks. Now, because, as you know, Dondo and Bambi have their eyes tightly closed, they will undoubtedly assume that the collision came about as the result of their love-making. That seems like a logical conclusion to the deer. If it pumps up the ego of the love-makers, so much the better. Recalling the accident with the UPS truck, it might lead Dondo to brag to his shrub-eating male pals that having a rut with Bambi leads to a leg-breaking climax. In the history of love-making, human or mammal, such an event must be saluted.
So much for the adventures of Dondo and Bambi in this season of the rut. I have told you that this essay was going to be all about sex and I hope that it has met your expectations.
And so now that I have dictated an essay on love-making among the deer population, I feel satisfied knowing that one more third-rail essay has been put to rest. Religion and politics are far behind us and I am indebted to Bambi and Dondo for making this essay about sex available during the sacred season of rut. My hope is that Dondo’s legs will soon heal, those two lovers will survive this winter, and will live to enjoy another rutting season in the year 2011.
E. E. CARR
November 7, 2010
Essay 510
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Kevin’s commentary: I’m glad to know that Pop has the egos of the deer-sex-participants in mind. Someone has to. Probably.
I’m curious as to the depths of Pop’s research. I wonder if he does this online, or perhaps finds a library that has books or audiobooks on the subject, or maybe it’s all just field work. Of course, being unable to see the deer, Pop would have to just listen for the rutting dear but it seems like he the requisite knowledge base to do so.