A few years back, there was a popular television program called “You Bet Your Life.” Groucho Marx, the wise-cracking brother from the Marx brothers, was the master of ceremonies for this program. There came an occasion when Groucho Marx, in response to a question from one of his participants, asked, “Are you going to believe me or your lying eyes?” That occasion took place perhaps 40 years ago and in the meantime television has moved on to reality shows and things of that nature. In any event, “You Bet Your Life” was an entertaining program. Groucho Marx was an entertaining host.
Now all these years later, we have an essay which I have concluded should be entitled “Your Lying Ears.” I do not mean this in a derogatory sense at all. But there are occasions when a listener will cherry pick responses from those who are questioned until he has the answer he wants. In this essay, I want to call on Dave Muldowney, a certified public accountant; John Denver, the popular song writer; and, finally, Robert Gates, the former Secretary of Defense. I hope that those three fellows might illustrate what this essay attempts to prove when it suggests that we all are tempted by happy words that constitute lying ears.
The first reference would be to Dave Muldowney, who will illustrate what I am trying to say about your lying ears. Dave is a long-time friend who has been a certified public accountant for a number of years in Berkeley Heights, New Jersey. About five years ago, Dave discovered that macular degeneration had set in on his eyesight and he was forced to give up his practice as a public accountant. Nonetheless Dave still goes to the office and tries to read the newspaper with what is remaining of his eyesight. As Dave explained it to me, he can see nothing in front of him but fortunately he has some peripheral vision. It is not enough to drive a car but it does permit him to show off while climbing the 18 steps to his former office.
Now that he has lost his sight, Dave tells me that he has questioners who want to know how much he can see and whether he is feeling alright. So on the occasion when I last saw Dave, we had a longer conversation about the state of his eyesight and how he feels about his reduced status as visitor to the office where he used to be a principal.
Now you see, I am referring to a discussion between two blind men. Dave tells me that when a questioner asks him about how he feels about his reduced status, he answers something to the effect that “It’s OK.” Similarly, he answers questions about his health by saying that it is all right. But in a discussion between two blind men, Dave threw the shackles off. He told me that there were days when he resented the questions about his health and the status of his former eyesight. But those answers were not exactly what he told his questioners. When a sighted person left a conversation with Dave Muldowney, I am certain that the sighted person would say that Dave is in good shape and surviving blindness as well as could be expected.
But in our conversation Dave told me about the occasions when someone moved a chair without telling him and caused him to stumble. I have the same trouble with someone rearranging my toothpaste or the furniture. But in the final analysis, when Dave is questioned by his children and friends, they may come away with an impression that is not perfectly accurate. That is quite alright with Dave, as it is alright with me. It all works out when two blind men, such as Dave and myself, can have a frank discussion with no holds barred. And so you see that your lying ears after a discussion with Dave Muldowney or myself might lead you to a conclusion that is not entirely appropriate. If that is the case, both of us would be sorry about that conclusion. But it may be where both of us wanted to lead you. So much for Doctor Muldowney, who by the way is a great conversationalist.
The second citation of “Your Lying Ears” has to do with John Denver. As a matter of fact, John Denver was born Henry John Deutschendorf. When he moved to Denver, he adopted the name of that town as his surname. Denver was a magnificent composer of songs that had a slightly country taste to them. One of his songs, at the end of his career, was called “Some Days Are Diamonds and Some Days Are Stones.” Here are some lines from the first verse.
When you ask how I’ve been here without you,
I’d like to say I’ve been fine and I do.
We both know the truth is hard to come by.
If I told the truth, that’s not quite true.
It might be noted that Denver wrote that song sometime after his wife filed for divorce. It is not entirely a pleasant thought. More than anything else, it illustrates the point that what you hear is not actually what is meant by the person being questioned.
Shortly after the song “Some Days Are Diamonds and Some Days Are Stones” was published, Denver took the delivery of a new airplane which he had just purchased. In the process, he flew the airplane into the ground and was killed. I suspect that his age was less than 40. But in the end, what Denver was saying was that “That’s not quite true.” Well, here is a second case in which the person questioned answers in a misleading fashion.
Last week was the occasion of the retirement of Robert Gates, the former Secretary of Defense. Gates had a long and distinguished career, winding up as the Secretary of Defense for both the Bush and the Obama administrations. In his final press conference, Gates felt more or less free to say what he had known all along. In answer to a question, Gates said, “Governments lie to each other regularly.”
The fact of the matter is that we knew this about the Afghans, the Pakistanis, and many other governments, but coming from Robert Gates, it established the point that you shouldn’t believe what your ears are telling you.
So there are three cases involving Dave Muldowney, John Denver, and Robert Gates. I do not suggest that only these three men give caution against having your ears lied to. For starters, I will cite the case of the maid at the Sofitel Hotel in New York who claimed that she had been raped by Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the former head of the International Monetary Fund. Cyrus Vance, the New York prosecuting attorney, thought he had a big one on the hook. But as it turns out, Cyrus Vance II is the one who has been impaled. For the ten days it lasted, there were laughs for everybody. In the end, it appears that Strauss-Kahn may well be a free man and may even wind up as the President of France.
But it does illustrate the point that your lying ears can get you into serious trouble. And so the warning about your lying eyes also extends to your lying ears. That is to say that your ears may be no more reliable than your eyes.
E. E. CARR
July 1, 2011
Essay 561
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Kevin’s commentary: The phrase “on the occasion when I last saw Dave” stands out to me here, because — as a conversation between two blind men — it could not be further from the truth. But to say that ‘seeing’ someone is linguistically the same as meeting or interacting with them makes me wonder: should Pop and his blind compatriots start saying things like “on the occasion when I last heard Dave?” I feel like the answer is probably no, but the subject is worthy of a little thought.
P.S. Gates is now TWO secretaries ago! Time flies. I remember that mom used to give me quizzes on our government when I was a teenager and I remember being stumped when the Defense Secretary turned out to be no longer Rumsfeld.
Jesus, I hated Rumsfeld.