Most of us use the door knob on frequent occasions and think nothing of it.  The purpose of this small essay is to give the proper praise to the door knob for the service that it has provided to humanity over the years.
Simply put, if there were no door knobs, it would be difficult to open doors and get from one room to another.  In and of itself, the fact that the door knob opens doors is worthy of great praise.  Never in the history of home building or in the history of poetry or essays has a tribute been paid solely to the lowly door knob.  This extremely modest essay will attempt to right that wrong.
As we have said, the door knob opens doors between rooms and to the outside world.  Without door knobs we would be confined to a small space without hope of escape.  Door knobs provide this service to mankind and it should be appreciated.  But opening doors is not the only function of door knobs.
There is an expression in some quarters that a person or a thing is as dumb as a bag of door knobs.  It may be that I have used that expression myself.  But from this time on, I will no longer use it.  Aside from the normal function of the door knob, it provides other services as well.
For those of us, sighted and non-sighted, the door knob is a convenient place to lean for support to progress from one room to another.  In my particular case, door knobs are essential if for no other reason than the fact that they can be leaned on.
Door knobs provide another service in that in the case of the non-sighted person, they tell the person how he is making progress.  In my own case, when leaving the room I reach for various door knobs to measure my progress.
But the utility of a door knob does not end there.  It is a convenient hanging device for everything from underwear to neckties. It is perfectly designed to fit a shirt collar.   I am not averse to unmentionable things in the female category but I suspect that bra straps are frequently placed over the door knobs.  I don’t condemn this use of door knobs but rather I sort of applaud it.
Now the utility of door knobs does not end there.  They are a convenient device for hanging “do not disturb” signs in a hotel.  Local advertisers often hire workers to hand their advertising signs on the door knobs such as mine.
I suspect that there are many other cases where the door knob provides essential services to mankind in general.  But once again, I appreciate this opportunity to speak in praise of the lowly door knob.  I might also ask, “Where would we be if there were no such things as door knobs?”  Aside from opening doors they provide a convenient place for looping shirts and bra straps and other unmentionable items as we dress and undress.  And so in the end I feel better because I have paid my long overdue tribute to door knobs.  I hope that they live forever.
 
E. E. CARR
September 13, 2011
Essay 582
~~~
Kevin’s commentary: I have a strange grandparent.
I have no idea how to tag this one.
Happy New Year’s, everybody.