Readers are warned that this essay is concerned about men’s under shorts and briefs. It would be a great disappointment to this old essay writer to have my readers expecting a display rivaling a Victoria’s Secret catalogue. This is a work of utmost modesty. It could be delivered profitably by some Protestant preachers who appear on television, for example. There is one New Jersey preacher who excels in soporifics, the capacity to cause sleep. Reading “Saddam’s Underwear” may very well cause his congregants to shout in unknown tongues and to have them competing to be born again. So you see, the subject of the former President of Iraq’s underwear is one that has great merit.
“Saddam’s Underwear” grew out of a morose feeling that overtakes me every year about this time when Federal taxes are to be paid on top of New Jersey’s league-leading property taxes. Just when it appeared that my morosity would overwhelm me, there appeared as if by divine guidance, pictures of Saddam in his skivvies in two of Rupert Murdock’s papers. They are the “Sun” of London and the “New York Post.” Apparently, an American soldier had taken photographs of Saddam in his detention cell when he had disrobed and the world could see that he was wearing Jockey brand underpants – made in Costa Rica.
There were the usual cries from the Army and the Bush Administration that “we must get to the bottom of this breach of discipline.” Somewhere near 99% of those pledges are quickly forgotten or the miscreant is found blameless by the Army investigators. So the soldier-photographer has nothing to fear. His main worry should be whether Murdock’s cheque bounces.
Given this situation, it was necessary for me as an old soldier to do my own investigation. While it is conceded that no one in Iraq knows me, the fact remains that my anonymity will make my investigation impartial and objective and as the U.S. Army says, “Hard hitting.”
After Pearl Harbor when we declared war on the Axis Powers, it fell to me to enlist in the Army Air Corps. The enlistment was “for the duration of hostilities plus six months.” To be a soldier, it is necessary to dress like a soldier which is the reason for the Army’s Quarter Master Corps to be in existence. The clerks there estimated the size of your neck, your waist and the length of your trousers. They did not measure the way a tailor would do; they estimated or guessed at the sizes. Under that system, there were many mismatches. Soldiers with short legs often had trousers that were too long. The tall men sometimes looked like they were wearing their “high water” pants.
When it came to underwear, it is my recollection that the country with the greatest gross domestic product on earth, gave each of us two sleeveless undershirts and two boxer shorts that had no elastic and which had to be buttoned. If they gave us three sets of underwear, my memory has blotted out the third pair of underclothing. In any case, it was clear that what Tom Brokaw called “The Greatest Generation” did not get enough under clothing for a daily change. Not by a long shot.
The Army frowned greatly on civilian underwear which meant that young soldiers had to wear the same shorts and shirts for a few days or they would try to wash those intimate items whenever the opportunity presented itself. Wearing civilian underwear made one feel as though aid and comfort was being given to the enemy.
Two comments appear to be appropriate here. The Army did not issue pajamas ever. The only soldier ever known to me to wear pajamas was a spy hired by the Department of the Army to report conversations he had overheard from other GI’s. He had been a bus driver in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. When it became known that he was reporting on GI conversations, his usefulness was at an end. While the Sheboygan spy slept in his civilian pajamas, the rest of us were expected to sleep in our underwear. Which we did.
The second thought that occurs here has to do with a Southern soldier named Brady. This incident happened in Africa. When men would attempt to wash their bodies, they would hang their old under shorts and shirts on a rack or on a bush near the shower head or near the elevated bucket that served as a shower. The unused clean clothing would be placed nearby. After drying off, several soldiers complained that their used underwear was missing. The mystery was solved by a GI postal clerk who wanted to know what Brady had in the large package he wanted to send home to Arkansas. It turned out to be used GI underwear that had mysteriously disappeared. The Army did not discipline Brady, but we were all careful after this discovery, to avoid Brady while taking what we considered a shower of sorts.
Sometime in 1944, the Army began to issue boxer shorts and sleeveless undershirts in what the Army called a color of “olive drab.” It was an unattractive form of green. The theory was that front line troops would wash their white underwear and place washed clothing on a bush or on the ground near their foxholes or trenches. German artillery theoretically would then know where to aim to unload on U.S. positions. Presumably, German artillery spotters could not see olive drab underwear put out near U.S. positions. In point of fact, GI’s at the front simply did not wash their underwear. Given a chance at a rest area which might come once a week, they would most likely change into new underwear and throw the old clothing away. This of course, is not the first case of Army brass being unfamiliar with the facts on the ground.
That is the background for the picture of Saddam in his underwear which was trumpeted as a Rupert Murdock scoop. The New York Post is now a pale image of itself in its heyday. It is now a far right wing tabloid of minimum circulation and influence. Nonetheless, it was my duty to complete my investigation so it had to be read.
From all indications, Saddam was given his underwear by the U.S. Army to wear in his cell in Camp Cropper in Iraq. Like the old GI’s of my day, Saddam apparently had been discouraged from wearing the underwear he had worn as President of Iraq. Presumably, when he wore traditional Arab robes, he could wear more elegant under shorts or if he so desired, he could wear nothing below the waist. Obviously, no one would question what Saddam had on under his elaborate robes. The jury is still out on this last question.
It is clear to me that the Army did not give Saddam any of its old olive drab boxer shorts or olive drab sleeveless undershirts. He was dressed the latest style briefs. The same style of briefs is also worn by top U.S. Army brass. The elastic on Saddam’s shorts bore the legend, “Jockey Classic – Genuine Jockey Comfort, Fit and Quality.” The manufacturer has told me that Saddam’s briefs have an exclusive “Y” front fly and that they have a never-bind elastic waistband. From anonymous sources that cannot be revealed to you because of top secret classification, we learn that the style of Saddam’s briefs is Number 9007. They were made in Costa Rica and are guaranteed to show no panty line. Imagine a panty line showing on Saddam’s prison trousers.
My sources also tell me confidentially that Saddam has a dozen pairs of Style 9007 briefs, so he can wear different ones at various times of the day. Significantly, Saddam has an Army issued set of pajamas with pockets on either side of the jacket. He is not forced to wash his underwear as laundry service is provided. This conveniently avoids the problem of GI gunners zeroing in on Saddam’s pants during the drying cycle. Old Brady would be disappointed as would the spy from Sheboygan.
The results of my investigation are in my own estimation, complete, thorough and hard hitting. We now know where the bottom of this problem lies. It appears to this impartial observer that when it comes to underwear and pajamas, old Saddam is being treated most generously. Certainly he is being treated with such generosity as to make Brokaw’s “Greatest Generation” jealous.
Well, there you have the results of my thorough going investigation. It is pleasant to know that Saddam is well underweared and pajama’d. The morose feeling that had plagued me earlier in the year has been lifted. My spirits have had a goat gland operation. Testosterone is everywhere. And to think it is all because of Saddam’s underwear and Rupert Murdock’s rag. Justice is served.
E. E. CARR
June 3, 2005
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I… hmm.
I guess “Saddam Underwear” is just gonna be in my search history now. Here’s the picture.
Perhaps Brady was running an Orange-Is-The-New-Black-esque scheme to sell used underwear on whatever the 1940s equivalent of eBay was. I really, really hope that was his reason.