In a recent essay, you were introduced to Shamrock, a wayward cat who came to live with us. In the first day or so, Shamrock designated certain chairs as his exclusive property. His domain included the porch, the basement and the garage. With all of his kingly attributes, it was inevitable that he would be called “The Stud Duck.”
That appellation was first suggested to me by an earthy soldier from Indiana who became my friend when we served in Africa. This soldier spoke English in a manner that would make you recall Herb Shriner, a popular radio entertainer of the 1930’s and 1940’s. Shriner and this Indiana soldier could mispronounce words that gave them new or improved meaning. One word occasionally used by the Indiana GI was CATS-AS-STROPHE. For my money, it is a great improvement on the root word “CATASTROPHE.” It is simply an improvement, not a neologism.
CATS-AS-STROPHE is the sole word in the English language that could describe the calamitous nature of the duress endured by your old essayist at this moment. The reason for this anxiety has to do with my invitation to Charles, the Prince of Wales and to his new wife, who will wed on Saturday, April 9th. The term “new wife” is used advisedly as Camilla, the Prince’s Consort, have played house since 1970. There are those who would say they have very little to discover about each other after 35 years of hand holding.
It was my intention to invite the Prince and his wifely consort to have their wedding dinner here in Millburn, New Jersey. They are to be wed at noon. With the five hours difference in time, they could easily be here by dinner time. We had planned to hold the wedding dinner in the Fore Seasons restaurant only two miles away from our house. The Fore Seasons establishment is on a public golf course next to the East Orange water reservation. In former days, the restaurant was used as a clubhouse for the golfers. A few years back, John Marrone started a restaurant in the wood frame club house. The chef describes the menu as “Continental with an Italian flair.”
Now that our daughters have married and moved out, there are several bedrooms where the Prince and Mrs. Prince can spend their wedding night with us on Long Hill Drive. We might invite the neighbors to meet the newlyweds.
Things were going swimmingly until Karen Monroe, a Manhattan lawyer got into the act. In effect, Ms. Monroe contends that our restaurant, Fore Seasons, is a gross impingement on a completely different establishment in Manhattan called the Four Seasons. Ms. Monroe demands that the name of our Millburn place be changed, followed by a destruction of menus, advertising and promotional material as a fore runner to a letter of compliance. In effect, Ms. Monroe, the Four Seasons lawyer demands complete surrender.
John Marrone says it will be costly to accommodate Ms. Monroe and besides, there is almost no likelihood that the frame golf course restaurant on a lonely road in New Jersey will cause any damage to the Midtown Manhattan establishment.
Now let us suppose that a male resident of New York City should suggest to a female that he would like to take her to dinner at the Fore Seasons on Saturday evening. The female would expect the host to pick her up in a taxi and then to proceed to the Four Seasons restaurant in mid-Manhattan. Instead, he shows up in a rented car and heads for the Holland Tunnel and proceeds westward for 22 miles to Millburn, New Jersey. She may assume that unruly conduct may be in her date’s mind. When they reach the Fore Seasons establishment, on lonely Parsonage Hill Road, she is relieved but she will be put off by the Fore Seasons place that only charges $26 for a sirloin steak, whereas the Four Seasons charges $55 for the same steak. At the Fore Seasons place, the steak comes with a potato and a wholesome vegetable. At the Four Seasons place, there is likely an extra charge for the potato and the vegetable. So financially the New York swain is ahead but he still has to settle with the car rental company.
So the New York female may feel disappointed about her visit to the public golf course restaurant. On the other hand, a romantic fellow from west of the Hudson may ask his female friend to accompany him to the Four Seasons restaurant. Being from these parts, she automatically assumes he means the Fore Seasons restaurant. When he heads for the eastbound lane of the Lincoln Tunnel, she may contemplate escaping at the first stop sign. However, when they reach the Four Seasons place in Midtown Manhattan, she is impressed as he gives his car to an attendant to park. Mark off $40 right there.
Upon entering the restaurant, they find the steak is $55 per copy, however, the Caesar salad at $36 is a bargain because it serves two. The wine list starts at $100 and proceeds upward. At the end of the evening, the New Jersey romantic must borrow some money from his girl friend to avoid having the cops called.
So you see, there is great merit in Ms. Monroe’s claim that the golf club Millburn Fore Seasons’ name “constitutes unfair competition in violation of the Lanham Act.” My Short Hills residence has been here for 35 years. Every night, as sleep evades me, my thoughts are on the Lanham Act and the club house Fore Seasons Restaurant. Every school child knows there is great confusion when the terms fore and four are involved. My thoughts turn to the four leaf clover or the four-way stop sign.
The lady lawyer, Ms. Monroe, claims that using Fore Seasons is an infringement on the Four Seasons trademark rights. It is eminently clear that the females in the two foregoing examples were not so much concerned with the Lanham Act. By crossing the Hudson River, those ladies were much more concerned by a possible violation of the Mann Act. Ms Monroe ought to get her priorities in order.
When word leaked out to Prince Charles, he had been painting his castle called Clarence House. He came down the ladder and cleaned his hands with turpentine on a silk towel to hear the breaking news. Camilla came up from the basement where she had been working on the plumbing. It seems that the sewer pipes had clogged and Camilla was using a plumber’s snake to open a drainage hole.
Charles’s secretary and his several assistants, told the soon to be married lovers that my invitation was not to the Four Seasons establishment, but to a wood frame clubhouse constructed in 1926 on a public golf course in a deserted section of Millburn, New Jersey. Charles and Camilla had expected to have dinner with me at a building designed by Philip Johnson and Mies van der Rohe. They were further put off by the Fore Seasons’ place being described as a restaurant with only two star prices.
The kicker came when Charles’ secretary read a Zagat review of the Manhattan restaurant. It said:
“Nothing speaks class and power better then the spectacular (and spectacularly pricey) Midtown landmark, Philip Johnson’s grand monument to NYC. Where the superlative continental cuisine is simply done, service is on the money and the wine list is wonderful; in sum, it’s an experience in luxurious dining that everyone should enjoy once.”
When Charles and Camilla heard the Zagat review, they instructed the secretarial staff to tell me that they wanted to have their wedding dinner at the Four Seasons and that they would be glad to take me up on using one of our spare bedrooms.
Charles and Camilla travel with a large staff including secretaries, footmen and sergeant-at-arms. The CATS-AS-STROPHE is that with steaks going for $55 and Caesar salad at $36, my social security check won’t come near covering the bill. So word has been sent to the soon-to-be-newlyweds that it is going to be the Fore Seasons clubhouse restaurant or nothing. Camilla, who has some Scotch ancestors, will convince Charles that the $26 Fore Seasons’ steak is just as good as the $55 steak at Four Seasons – and she will point out they will save on room rent by staying here.
Now obviously, it would be a major blow to Anglo-American relations if Charles and Camilla turned down our invitation. But that is only a minor consideration. Every English speaking person must be gravely concerned about Ms. Monroe’s invocation of any title having the word FORE in it, as an infringement on the Four Seasons Restaurant’s trademark. Without a doubt, Ms. Monroe would ban about one hundred English words starting with fore in her attempt to protect her relationship to that restaurant in Midtown Manhattan.
Think of this sort of thing. If you missed a few mortgage payments, the bank would try to fourclose on your loan. Men who pave the streets would, under Ms. Monroe’s idea, report to a four-man. Fore-see would become four-see just as fore-play would become four-play.
Americans! We can’t let this lady lawyer wipe out hundreds of years of progress in developments in the English language all for the benefit of a pricey restaurant in New York City. When Charles and Camilla are finally properly wed, they will join us in rebuffing this assault on our common language.
Ms. Monroe’s time would be better spent if she encouraged Merriam and Webster to show CATS-AS-STROPHE as an official word in their dictionaries. If Ms. Monroe started to use that Indiana terminology, the Ed Carr’s would invite her to the blast off for good old Charles and his Consort, Camilla – at the Fore Seasons Restaurant in New Jersey. On that occasion, she can discuss the Lanham Act and the Mann Act endlessly with Charles, the Prince of Goofiness. He will be enthralled.
E.E. CARR
March 16, 2005
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When I read the title and first sentence, I was pretty sure this was going to be about poor Shamrock’s death. So the content was a pleasant surprise.
For the curious, the Fore Seasons appears to be no more. The website has been taken down and the phone number has been disconnected. I guess their continued existence was just too much for the Four Seasons to bear.