[A quite note from Kevin — This is now the third essay in this, er, saga. Check out parts one and two first. Part one was about both dicks and snakes, part two was mainly about dicks, and now part three concerns primarily snakes.]
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The word redux is a fancy one and it simply means, in this case, more on boa constrictors. I always found the word redux uplifting and I hope that you find it likewise.
You may recall that in this space there was an essay having to do with the sad fate of a boa constrictor who was afflicted with erectile dysfunction.1 Specifically, in an effort to overcome the affliction, he wound up squeezing his lover to death. But that is not the end of the story, which accounts for the use of the word redux. Alone in his cage, the male boa constrictor suffered pangs of remorse but shortly after the incident that Viagra was supposed to solve, the male boa constrictor died. This is an epochal event that left the local zoo boa constrictorless.
If Viagra had worked on boa constrictors, there would have been nothing to report, and this essay could be avoided. The facts of the matter are that the announcer in a previous essay confused the word “erectile” with “reptile.” And that is where we begin this sad story.
Millburn, New Jersey runs a very small zoo in which zoo animals or reptiles of each persuasion are involved. The loss of the female boa constrictor from having been squeezed to death by her lover was not the only sad news. In a few weeks, the male boa constrictor showed signs of dying in what the Welsh call “hiraeth.” Hiraeth means excessive longing either for home or for a mate. And so the zoo was totally boa constrictorless.
The zookeeper, in an effort to present a complete collection of reptiles, shopped around and eventually located a pair of boa constrictors whose cost was about $2,500. So when the appointed time came, he asked to have this amount inserted in the budget for the purchase of a pair of boa constrictors. This request was short-lived. Unfortunately, the city manager was infuriated by the request of the zookeeper and exercised his executive authority by vetoing it. He not only vetoed the idea of the expense for the boa constrictors but he also said, “Good gracious! Do you think boa constrictors grow on trees?” The zookeeper had never thought that boa constrictors grew on trees. He was mortally offended by the remark of the city manager.
Then he had to face the fact that he had no boa constrictors to show to the children who visited the Millburn Zoo. At this point, with both of his specimens of boa constrictors gone and with no prospect of replacing them, he did the obvious. He visited a local store that sold crepe paper. He bought yards and yards of black crepe paper to show how the city of Millburn missed its boa constrictors. When he turned in a voucher to cover the cost of the crepe paper, the city manager again was infuriated. He revived his remark about boa constrictors growing on trees. So an attempt was made to gather the unused portions of the crepe paper and return them to the store that sold crepe paper.
This is where we stand at the moment. Millburn has no boa constrictors to show the children who visit the zoo. The city manager is enraged, and the zookeeper is enraged at the city manager for his cheapness.
Now I report all of these developments to you as a means of covering my backside when I turn in this essay to the founder, manager, inspirational leader, and janitor of this website. When I submitted my matchless essay to the founder of the website, he commented for all of the world to read and hear that “Pop (meaning me) has produced an essay involving dicks and snakes.” I have very little understanding of what the term “dicks” means but I assume that it has something to do with reptiles.2
But I could not let this matter rest without reporting to you, my esteemed readers, about these developments. It is for this reason that the title of this essay has to do with boa constrictors redux. The passing of the two boa constrictors in the Millburn Zoo leaves me with bottomless grief. And to think it all started over a bottle of Viagra!
The makers of Viagra must know of the intensity of feelings that product produces. And now, this being Sunday, I will leave you to pray for the heartless city manager who vetoed the request to purchase new boa constrictors as well the crepe paper that was intended to be used to line their empty cages.
Mightily I hope that the owner and general manager of this website has been moved by this brief written story about these precious snakes. But the owner and chief executive officer of this website temporarily lives on the West Coast and he may never know the grief that Millburn, an eastern city, is undergoing. I hope that you will watch this space for further developments having to do with the Millburn boa constrictors. They will be sadly missed.
E. E. CARR
August 26, 2012
Essay 689
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Kevin’s Commentary: This is the third essay in this saga. Read parts one and two.
1.This… I feel like this didn’t happen. I am almost positive that this did not happen. But I can’t be sure. I don’t doubt that the two constrictors died, however.
2. This comment would be more believable if the essay published immediately prior to this one was not about different ways to talk about dicks.
Also, I am wondering how many more titles Pop can come up with to give me. A lifetime of reading has given the man rather a lot of words to work with.
And again, to anyone wondering where I get my personal inclination towards bullshitting and weirdness… as Nitasha remarked tonight upon hearing the premise of this essay, the apples did not fall far from the tree.