When it comes to goofiness, there is a tie between Prince Charles, the Prince of Wales, and the American Congress. For example, in the past week or so, the Senate has passed a resolution announcing that English is our only official language. It is meant of course to bar Spanish, which the Mexican immigrants speak. In a way, it is a sucker punch against immigrants.
I have a proposition as an amendment to the official language edict. It is my proposal that every visitor to the United States must also speak English fluently. For example, the Kuwaiti soccer team, if it ever visits these shores, should also observe our language restrictions. Every member of the soccer team, including the goal keeper, should speak English perfectly.
The resolution in the Senate about English being the only official language ignores the fact that many peaceful countries have more than one official language. Belgium and Switzerland come to mind, as does Canada. These countries are not involved in killing Iraqis at the moment, so I would suggest that perhaps it is the duality of their languages that accounts for their peacefulness.
There are several other amendments which might be offered with respect to the resolution on the English language. Let’s not be half-hearted about this. Let us declare now and forever that the Free Will Baptist faith is our official religion and that the song “Jesus Wants Me For A Sunbeam” is our official national hymn. Furthermore, it should be included in the amendment that only full-submersion baptism will be accepted as a means of getting to heaven. I suspect that virtually every Southerner in the American Congress would vote for such a resolution.
Speaking of heaven, I asked my sixteen-year-old grandson the other day where heaven was physically located. He instantly replied, “In Denmark.” That struck me as odd because I had thought it was in Bolivia or in the suburbs of Alice Springs, Australia.
The fact of the matter is that in 1776, our freedom was won with the help of the French who graciously permitted us to speak an American brand of English to this day. Without the French at that juncture, we would now probably be the subjects of good old Queen Elizabeth and her goofy son.
There are other amendments that might be offered in addition to the English language resolution. For example, we should designate Ford as the official automobile of this nation. Chevrolet sounds a bit too French.
Rolling Rock should be designated as our official beer, and Jockey should be our official underwear.
Now if there is an objection to any one of these resolutions, I propose the use of military force including the newk-you-lar option to make everyone accept them wholeheartedly. What is good enough for the Iraqis ought to be good for the Americans.
Perhaps this is the silly season in Washington, but the attempts to discriminate against new arrivals in this country are running amok. Most of the proposed laws or restrictions are being offered by wild-eyed representatives in the House, such as Jim Sensenbrenner of Wisconsin and are being strongly supported by Southern members as well.
In the final analysis, everybody knows that English is the only perfect language and that the Free Will Baptists have the only perfect religion. It seems to me that establishing these facts in law as well as the other propositions offered herein, would make America more secure and more loved around the world.
This is supposed to be a nation of immigrants, but one would never know it by what is taking place right now in Congress. Now that the English language question has been settled, we must turn our attention to operas performed in the French, Italian and German languages. That would seem to be the logical progression of the resolution passed last week by the Senate. I suspect that Verdi, Giordano, Mozart, Bizet and Wagner would wholeheartedly fall in line with the English only resolution.
E. E. CARR
May 26, 2006
Essay 193
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Kevin’s commentary: I know why the Garden of Eden is in Missouri, but I have no clue at all why I said heaven was in Denmark. Maybe that was Andrew?
Anyway, let’s just cut out the middleman and make intolerance itself the national religion. Save everybody some time. Though honestly we’re doing better recently, as a country.