At the moment, I am involved with this essay on the horns of a modest dilemma. The dilemma has to do with the Republican Party whose candidate in the year 2012 in all likelihood will be Mitt Romney.
As it turns out Mitt Romney is a Mormon. This may be hard to be believed in this day and age but the Mormons believe that there is a spirit world floating around somewhere in the universe. I have had trouble comprehending the angels of the Christian faith. Now it appears that, if Mr. Romney is elected, we will have to deal with the Church of Latter Day Saints spirit world.
As my readers know, I am a total non-believer in religious affairs. I do not envisage that at Armageddon the graves of my parents will open and they will emerge dancing. That is a bad mistake I made in my effort to be all-inclusive because the fact is that my parents never danced one step in their lives. It was against their religion.
But here we are, about to witness the campaign of Mitt Romney, who was a bishop in the Mormon church. From what I have been led to believe and what I have read in the newspapers, it appears that the spirit world is a lively place to be. Apparently the Mormons have an obsession about the Jews. Quite recently the Mormons were accused of reading the obituaries of Jews and in some way converting them to Mormonism. I hope that you will forgive the ignorance on my part as to how a dead person is converted. But that is the fact of the matter. I must be a terrible reader because as a non-believer it would appear that my soul or spirit or whatever would be a prime target for the Mormons to come after. Can you imagine the singing and dancing that would occur if old Ezra, a complete non-believer, were to be converted to Mormonism after the expiration of my life in this vale of tears? But if the Mormons can convert dead Jews to be among their faithful, I can only presume that it is a matter of time until they come after those of us who are non-believers.
So much for personal concerns about my thoughts and non-beliefs. My basic point in this essay has to do with my mother who was an ardent Christian and who also chewed Copenhagen snuff. If the Mormons ever attempt to convert my mother who expired in 1961, they should be aware of her habit of chewing snuff. This inquiry is being made by a dutiful son who wishes to preserve his mother in the spirit world of the Mormons. I know about the Mormon beliefs as to alcoholic beverages but I am wondering at this moment if the Mormons prohibit the chewing of snuff for those who are still alive and more importantly if they disapprove of chewing snuff in the spirit world.
I know that this may appear to be an esoteric question but I want my mother to have the very best of everything as she enters the Mormon spirit world.
The snuff that was chewed by my mother was called Copenhagen Snuff. I am at a total loss to explain how this snuff had anything to do with the capital of Denmark. But the fact is that the leading brand of snuff here in this country is called Copenhagen Snuff.
If there was anything that could turn a young man off from chewing snuff, it was the need to expectorate fairly frequently as the snuff was chewed. In my own estimation, chewing snuff is as unsanitary as you can get. But the fact of the matter is that in all of her nearly 80 years Lillie Belle Carr chewed snuff as did at least one of her sisters.
Really, what I want to know is whether, after her death and subsequent conversion to Mormonism, snuff would be available for my mother’s consumption. I might wish to understand where those in the spirit world could spit. Presumably those in the spirit world could spit and it would be burned up on its long great voyage toward Earth. But as a dutiful son, this is a question that troubles me before any conversion attempts are made to convert my mother to Mormonism.
A transient thought at this point is whether Mormons try to make use of the warring factions in the Vatican City to convert. I know that the world of Jewry has been the object of Mormon conversion attempts. Why not turn this to the factions of the Vatican that don’t seem to be able to get along? As I said, this is just a transient thought.
But my final thought is that Lillie Belle Carr is going to be a tough nut to crack for the Mormon apostles. Even if they offered her a tub full of snuff to chew, my guess is that they would be told to go peddle their papers to someone else.
All of this leads us to watch the Presidential race as it unfolds, particularly with respect to Mormon beliefs. For myself, I can only conclude that after my expiration here in this vale of tears the Mormons will make an attempt to convert me to their faith. When that happens, I would like to know whether they would break out some champagne to celebrate this victory and I would also like to know whether champagne goes well with snuff.
E. E. CARR
May 28, 2012
Essay 663
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Kevin’s Commentary:
Wait, wait, posthumous conversions are a thing?
Doesn’t that mean I don’t have to pay attention to Pascal’s Wager anymore? I mean not that said wager wasn’t utterly stupid in the first place, but now even if you buy it then everything’s fine. For those unfamiliar, the basic idea is that if you can either choose to believe or not believe in god, then you should default to belief because you get saved forever if you’re right and nothing happens if you’re wrong; conversely nonbelief leads to nothing happening if you’re right, and eternal damnation if you’re wrong.
There are uncountably many problems with this type of reasoning. I think the last time someone mentioned it to me was at dinner at a debate tournament in highschool, and I believe I was on argument six when the other guy decided that the discussion should be finished. But now, we can disregard all the standard problems, because if you can convert after you’re dead, we’re all set!
Here’s how I see it: get a clergy member of every religion that believes in some capacity of heaven or reincarnation. Have them come by cemeteries one at a time and convert the dead to Buddhism, Catholicism, Mormonism, or whatever in turn. Ostensibly only one of these religions is going to be true, because they’re pretty much all mutually exclusive, scripturally speaking. So as soon as the correct religion’s representative posthumously converts me, my immortal soul should sort of poof into existence in heaven, at which point I have conscious thought again and can opt to remain a part of whatever religion turned out to be right. Or me and everybody else at my cemetery can send some sort of divine signal down to stop subsequent conversions.
The reason this subverts the aforementioned Wager is that you can live life how you feel is correct as opposed to how you have been instructed to live by a given ancient scripture, but then you can still get the benefits of eternal salvation provided you can get someone to posthumously convert you, which shouldn’t be all too hard.
Foolproof.