From 1929 until the beginning of 1942, the United States was in the grip of a vicious economic depression. Job opportunities rarely existed. Unemployment figures were at an all time high. The stock market was barely stumbling along. Bankruptcies and home foreclosures were a common place. Those dozen years of the Depression were dismal for most Americans.
The melancholy outlook during these years was broken once each year around Labor Day with the arrival of the one-inch-thick Sears & Roebuck catalog. Sears offered everything imaginable. There was farm equipment and automotive supplies. Women could delight in the dresses that Sears offered. Men could find any number of suits that included a vest and two pairs of trousers. In the foundation department, there were many offerings of girdles, corsets and brassieres. The corsets came in models that attached around the body through hooks and in some cases, laces. The brassieres were offered in a variety of models which did not include strapless ones, because Sears seemed to judge them as architecturally and structurally deficient. And so that brings us to the question of what does the Sears Roebuck catalog have to do with this essay.
As it turns out, we currently have 800 Generals in the United States Army who are threatened with the loss of their health. The Sears Roebuck catalog offers some palliatives that may save our Generals for use in future service. Specifically, I am speaking about corsets and brassieres.
Prior to the treaty that ended warfare in World War II, our Generals rarely wore decorations except on ceremonial occasions. The supreme commanders, George C. Marshall and Dwight D. Eisenhower never appeared with ribbons and decorations when they were directing the war. In what appears to be the sole exception to this model was General George S. Patton. Patton wore a gun belt around his waist that carried a pearl handled revolver. In his hand, Patton carried kid gloves. Those with long memories may recall that in 1944 when Patton encountered a shell shocked soldier, he struck the soldier in the face with his gloves and ordered him back to the war. This condition has now come to be identified as Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Patton was severely reprimanded and came close to being forced into retirement along with his pearl handled revolver.
In Vietnam, there is a General who is now approaching 95 years of age and who, in his lifetime, has managed to defeat both the French and the Americans at separate times. General Giap is a military wizard who has never worn a decoration on his uniform. When he appears in public, there are only two small insignia, one on each shoulder, to show that he is the chief of the Vietnam Army. Our Generals with the sign-boards on their chests, could take a lesson from General Giap.
Two significant thoughts occur here. The first is that in our Army, we now employ 800 Generals. Andy Rooney, the commentator on the television program 60 Minutes, conducted a study recently which disclosed that we won World War II with less than 300 Generals. World War II was fought by twelve million American military personnel in Europe and in the Far East, yet somehow we managed to win that war with less than 300 Generals. Now we have 800 Generals which leads Rooney and this old soldier to question what in the world is there enough for them to do. One example comes to mind. As we were preparing to assault Japan in the final stages of the war, the base at Greenwood, Mississippi with more than 4000 troops, was commanded by a full Colonel. That was in 1945. By contrast, at the start of the Iraq War, there was a company of National Guard troops who had the responsibility for guarding the prisoners at Abu Ghraib. That handful of soldiers was commanded by a Brigadier General. In the end, she was reprimanded for her performance and three or four of the soldiers who inflicted harm on the Iraqi prisoners were sent to jail. It might also be noted that the Brigadier General was a woman. So the Army, in traditional form, picked on a female and some lowly soldiers. There is nothing new in that conduct.
Now there is a second point having to do with protecting our Generals from curvature of the spine. Those of you who watch reporters interviewing the Generals or who watch Congressional hearings on television, for example, know that our Generals usually appear with an obscene billboard pinned to the left side of their chests. This billboard consists of ribbons apparently earned over the General’s career. If my calculations are correct, each row holds at least five or six ribbons. Our Generals appear to have the rows stacked as much as nine rows high, which might lead an innocent observer to conclude that the General has distinguished himself by 45 to 63 instances of bravery in his career. This of course, is not the case. At least one of those ribbons is for good conduct. There is another ribbon that is awarded because the General was in the Army prior to a certain date. In the current war in Iraq, I believe it is probable that anyone who sets foot on Iraqi soil is entitled to wear a ribbon to commemorate that bravery. In short, what I am trying to say is that we decorate our Generals with some meaningless ribbons which they display on a billboard on the left side of their chest.
In addition to the billboards, the Generals also wear a collection of metal objects. There are wings for aviators, and dolphins for those engaged in water warfare. And then there are metals that commemorate good marksmanship. The content of the metal medallions is such that if one of our Generals ventured into a thunderstorm, he might be struck by lightening.
Obviously, I am not an expert on the jackets worn by Generals. But I believe it is fair to say that when a General dons his uniform, with the full dress billboard, as well as the metal ornaments, his weight will increase by ten to twelve pounds. Certainly the American public should not expect our Generals to endure this burden. The Generals are brave men who have yet to register a complaint about their uniforms, but as an old soldier, I fear that they will soon suffer curvature of the spine simply from wearing their uniforms. I have offered my services to the Secretary of Defense and to the Halliburton Company to relieve them of this terrible burden. In the first instance, I am hopeful that the Secretary of Defense will order every General to buy a lace-up corset from the latest Sears Roebuck catalog. With this foundation in effect, the General may then put on the rest of his uniform. But the corset is not entirely adequate. To remedy this situation, I have suggested to my prospective employers, the Halliburton Company and the Secretary of Defense, that after the Generals don their jackets, they must also buy a see-through brassiere, again from Sears Roebuck. The see-through brassiere will not obscure the billboards being worn by the Generals and together with the corset, it will force them into an upright position.
The American Army is nuts about issuing specifications to its suppliers. The corsets should be made of virgin whale bone construction and should embrace not only laces but a belt tightener. Because the see-through brassieres are to be worn when the Generals enter combat against the radical Islamic fascist terrorists, and are intended to protect both sides of the chest, they should be double wide. They must be constructed sturdily. The Army has suggested that the non-see-through parts be made of tent material. I suspect that such sturdy material might deflect shrapnel and the occasional stray bullet.
I realize that with 800 Generals, Sears & Roebuck will have a run on their merchandise. And so it is that I have proposed that those garments be purchased through the Halliburton Company which, if my calculations are correct, will cause me to be rewarded handsomely. And I am sure that you understand that my suggestion is purely a patriotic one, even though it comes from an old enlisted man.
And so I leave you with the thought that we must protect our Generals at all costs. We can’t cut and run from our Generals. We must stay the course. And to Osama bin Laden, one of these over-decorated, corset and brassiere wearing Generals in full uniform will soon be huffing and puffing on your tail. My suggestion as to brassieres and corsets for Generals is offered as a selfless matter of health. The Secretary of Defense should order everyone at the Pentagon, including himself, to immediately start wearing corsets and brassieres to set a superior example.
E. E. CARR
May 13, 2007
Essay 254
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Kevin’s commentary: Pop answered his own question here. The threat of lightning storms is ever-present, and we need to keep a supply of spare generals on hand to replace ones who are reclaimed by mother nature.
Anyway, make each bra out of transparent Kevlar and charge $200,000 for each one, and you’ve got a hell of an opportunity on your hands.