I am painfully aware that cynics and critics will charge me with plagiarizing the ancient maxim of “The more things change, the more they remain the same.” I plead guilty on all counts. On the other hand, I will contend that I have improved that maxim with the addition of “disimprove” as a wonderful neologism. These days wonderful neologisms flow out of the fetid swamp that used to be my brain. But in this case, “disimprove” is the neologism of the day.
Cynics and critics will join their voices in unison to ask, “What does ‘disimprove’ mean?” As soon as I answer this call from Noah Webster of dictionary fame, I will try to give you a few examples of what that neologism means. For example, let us return to the year 2000, which marked the beginning of the 21st century. In that year, I was a mere stripling of a lad of 78 years, with dark wavy hair and eyes that put the visual acuity of eagles to shame. The changes in the years that have taken place since the year 2000 are clearly disimprovements. In those years, my hair has become slightly tinted with gray, and a small bald spot has appeared on the back of my scalp. In addition, my eyesight no longer rivals the eagles’ but is much more like that of the bat. “As blind as a bat” is basically where I come out in the year 2008. So you see, the more things change, the passage of years has brought all of us eight years older and in my case the disimprovements are legion.
In that same period of eight years, many more disimprovements have come to pass. For example, in the year 2000 gasoline, which is known as petrol to Europeans, had moved from cents per gallon to costing slightly more than $1 per gallon. Most of us were wringing our hands and saying that it would be a disaster if gasoline were to cost us $1.15 or even $1.50. In the ensuing eight years, there have been many changes in the availability of gasoline. And all of them are disimprovements. Today we are paying for regular gasoline something around $4.10 per gallon. It is the prediction of this old filling station attendant that before long, Americans will be paying on the order of $5 per gallon and it might not stop there. This clearly is a disimprovement which everyone who owns an automobile will understand. I suppose that those who own large horse-powered SUVs and Hummers as well as pickup trucks may understand this thought better than the rest of us.
When the thought of “the more things change…” is applied to air travel, the disimprovements are even more volatile. The airline industry has increased its prices by a factor of three and no longer serves out-of-the-way places. In addition, airlines charge customers between $15 and $25 for checking a bag which the airlines may well lose. And, of course, there are no more free meals or even peanuts. Pilots and mechanics are being laid off in droves. The airline industry is now fraught with disimprovements and we are all the poorer for that development.
Those who say “If I can’t drive or fly to my destination, I will simply take the train,” will be in for a disimprovement in spades. In the last 50 years, including the eight year period since the year 2000, we have let our rail industry come unraveled. The successive governments of the United States have denied funds to improve rail travel. Service has been cut and the amenities of railroad travel from years ago no longer exist. But in the last year or so, railroads have become overwhelmed by the demand of those who used to drive or used to fly. So you see, the disimprovements are with us at every turn.
In recent years, Americans were encouraged to own a home. Banks and lending institutions were providing mortgages that seemed to require no monthly payment at all. Then, to their astonishment, many buyers looked at the fine print and found that in the third or fourth year of the mortgage, the payments became absolutely and ridiculously expensive. Certainly the mortgage holders ought to have their knuckles rapped for entering into an agreement about which they understood very little. At the same time there was no control over lending institutions making predatory loans. As a result, there are several million homes throughout this nation that are subject to foreclosure. This may be the ultimate disimprovement in terms of housing arrangements.
Today’s news brings the report that Starbucks is proposing to close 600 of its stores and leave as many as 12,000 of its workers without employment. I was never much of a coffee drinker and it boggles my mind to believe that people were paying five bucks for the privilege of drinking a cup of Starbucks coffee. But be that as it may, when a person loses a job in this economy, he must feel helpless, knowing that there are millions of other people also looking for work. Starbucks employees are not alone in their disimprovement and agony. There are hundreds of people who used to work on Wall Street who are in the same situation. I suspect that to a person who has lost a job, my neologism of disimprovements may be of negligible comfort. But I would like them to know that I understand and sympathize totally.
And, finally, we come to the reading of the will of Leona Helmsley, who is celebrated as “the Queen of Mean.” Leona was the widow of the founder of the Helmsley Hotel chain. She was a very wealthy woman who said that only little people pay taxes. I am a little person, so I suppose that means that I have no choice but to pay my taxes while Mrs. Helmsley thumbed her nose at the Internal Revenue Service. When Leona died last fall, she left an estate worth several billion – that’s a “b” – dollars. Any of her relatives or any of her former employees who were expecting to enjoy a small windfall with Leona’s passing were in for a great surprise and a disimprovement. Literally and figuratively, Leona’s will provided that her billions should go to her dogs. I have no idea what a dog would do with a billion dollars, but Leona has bequeathed the dogs more money than they can chew. Leona seemed to revel in being known as “the Queen of Mean” and her association with disimprovements, even after her death, seemed to fit her personality.
I suppose I could name many more examples of disimprovements. But I think these few examples may give the literary world an understanding of why I hold that the more things change, the more they disimprove.
Now, when it comes to the issue of plagiarization, I must contend that this is a family matter that is not the concern of outsiders. The maxim that “The more things change, the more they remain the same” was the product of the brain of a Frenchman named Jean Baptiste Alphonse Karr. I understand that Mr. Karr with a “k” was a poet and a philosopher and he may well have been a French boulevardier, who frequented bistros buying aperitifs for his mistresses. If that is the case, I salute him. But no matter how you cut it, his name was Karr and that makes this a family matter. So to cynics and critics who contend that I plagiarized Monsieur Karr’s maxim, I would say in my most polite manner of speaking, “Please butt out.” If Monsieur Karr composed a maxim and I improved on it by adding a neologism, I believe I should be offered champagne for the rest of my life. I know that where champagne is drunk, mistresses abound. I will do my best to make every American proud of my performance.
E. E. CARR
July 7, 2008
Essay 258
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Kevin’s commentary: Let’s hope Pop never has to fly Ryan Air; he’d have a heart attack.
In other news, this is what the “objections to modernity” tag was made for.