During the 23 years of my retirement, I have attempted to devote my life to prayer and peaceful meditation. From time to time, there are developments that make it no longer possible to pray and meditate peacefully as I desire. This is one of those interruptions in that we are confronted with a sexual double-header involving French kissing and the presence of fellatio in our current lives.
I am attempting to dictate this essay on March 16, because it is necessary that I complete it before these thoughts should profane the memory of Saint Patrick, the man who decimated the reptile population of the Emerald Isle. You may recall that St. Patrick dispatched the lizards, alligators, crocodiles, horned frogs, and dragons that crawled on their bellies to Nome, Alaska where they reside in ecstasy to this day. On the other hand, Saint Patrick knew very little about French kissing or the other subject on the agenda today.
Let us start with the developments having to do with French kissing. Earlier this month, the Virginia Legislature proposed a bill to amend the state’s laws that in certain situations, would outlaw the existence of French kissing. From all that can be determined at this date, there was no epidemic of French kissing taking place in the great State of Virginia. People could go to work, shop, enjoy dirty movies, and read about our exploits in Iraq without being interrupted by French kissing.
It seems that the action of the Virginia Legislature was brought on by a mature man who, one way or another, French kissed a child, presumably a female, of under thirteen years of age. Shortly after this event, a bill was introduced in the Virginia legislature that would make it a crime to French kiss a child under the age of thirteen. One of the arguments that delayed the passage of the bill was that several legislators in Virginia wanted to make this a felony offense, presumably with jail terms of up to five or ten years. In the end, the offense was classified as a misdemeanor and attracted all of the votes in the legislature with the exception of one brave soul who held out for the felony charge.
I suppose this tells you that when it comes to sexual matters in our legislatures, the senators and representatives who vote on such matters have all of the backbone of jellyfishes. Nonetheless the bill was passed and as things now stand – the day before Saint Patrick’s Day, 2008 – the bill will be sent to the Governor of Virginia who promises to sign it.
Essentially the bill is an amendment to the list of reasons that will cause offenders to be placed upon the sex offender list. So that there are no mistakes, here is the language of the amendment having to do with French kissing.

House Bill 34: § 18/2/370.6. Penetration of mouth of child with lascivious intent; penalty.
Any person 18 years of age or older who, with lascivious intent, kisses a child under the age of 13 on the mouth while knowingly and intentionally penetrating the mouth of the child with his tongue is guilty of a Class I misdemeanor.

As you can see, this long-needed bill has to do with the penetration of the mouth of a child with “lascivious intent.”
The bill is full of holes that would accommodate a fifteen-ton truck. Suppose that the person committing this offense penetrates the mouth of a child without lascivious intent. Would such a gentle person, such as a Sunday school superintendent, be included on the sex offender list when he had no evil intent in the display of his emotions for the child? Furthermore you will notice that the bill is confined to members of the male sex. As you can see from the bill itself, it presumes that only males are capable of being guilty of this terrible offense. From this it follows that if a female is the French kisser, the law will not apply to her. If a male over the age of 18 should French kiss another male of under thirteen years, the law would not apply. In other words, the law gives gay people a free pass. On its face, the act is unconstitutional because of its obvious discrimination between the sexes.
As I read the law, it is perfectly agreeable for two persons, aged thirteen and under, to French kiss their heads off. Similarly if a youngster elects to French kiss her uncle who is over the age of thirteen there will be no penalty whatsoever. The law is aimed at discrimination against males with a lascivious intent and your old essayist is damned if he can understand how one measure lascivious intent.
As all of you know, your old essayist does extensive research on matters that become the subjects of his essays. In the case in point, I have researched the matter of French kissing and I am unable to determine its origins. After hundreds of hours of research, I can only conclude that it is the American custom of attaching a foreign name to any act or procedure simply because it sounds exotic. I have spoken to representatives of the French Embassy in Washington and they deny all knowledge of French kissing. The French at the Embassy tell me that they know a little bit about French fried potatoes and that they are aware of French toast. But as I say, French kissing is “a puzzlement.” The spokesperson at the French Embassy asked if I could give her a demonstration of that technique. The woman at the French Embassy in Washington said that on her next trip to New York, she would stop by my residence in Short Hills, New Jersey for a personal encounter with French kissing. Finally she suggested that in view of the fact that French kissing had no relation to the French, I should inquire of the British Embassy as to their thoughts.
I was largely revolted by the thought of a person such as myself French kissing Queen Elizabeth, the head of the Anglican Church and the mother of that vixen daughter of hers. And so this essay will have to do without the contributions of the great nation of England.
I then inquired of the Danes about their thoughts on this matter. They were completely baffled. They said they had Danish pastry and Great Dane dogs, but in the Kingdom of Denmark people were free to kiss in any fashion. When I inquired of my old friend Sven Lernevall in Stockholm, he said the only contribution he could make to my research was the production of Swedish vodka and Volvo cars, but no French or Swedish kissing. My conversation with Sven ended when I explained to him what the Virginia legislature had done. When the thought of kissing with lascivious intent penetrated Sven’s mind, he began to laugh so uproariously that Ella, his wife, had to bring cold compresses to restore his sanity.
And so it went during the rest of my research. The Spanish Embassy in Washington said that “we have all kinds of Spanish fandangos but we know nothing about French kissing.” The Italians and the Israelis were of no great help in my research. The Canadians and the Mexicans had nothing to offer as well. And so I have concluded that the Virginia legislature is plowing new ground. When it comes to stupidity in legislation, I suspect that American legislators lead the pack. Certainly, that is the case with respect to the great state of Virginia.
Now, having spoken of stupidity, we turn to the question of whatever happened to the missionary position. For the purposes of this essay, my belief is that in sexual relations between males and females, when the male occupies the superior position above the female, it is called the missionary position. I have no idea whatsoever whether or not missionaries ever engaged in sexual relations. My prayers on this subject have been unanswered but that is of small moment.
What occupies my mind this morning is that public figures such as Eliot Spitzer and Bill Clinton seem to have a predilection for fellatio. To save yourselves the worry of looking up the meaning of fellatio, perhaps I can help you with your work by telling you that in the parlance of the street, fellatio amounts to a “blow job.” From this point on, I hope you gather the essence of what is being written here.
When Eliot Spitzer was engaged in his dalliances with the Emperor’s Club, it is reliably reported that Governor Spitzer had very little to do with the missionary position. According to reports from the prostitutes who worked for the Emperor’s Club, it was Governor Spitzer’s desire to receive – pardon the expression – blow jobs. One such prostitute offered the thought to the press that she thought this was risky business in that he demanded that the blow job be performed without the accompaniment of a condom. On the other hand, Governor Spitzer kept his mid-calf black socks on during this procedure. Again, I’ll be damned if I can understand why Governor Spitzer demanded this service or what the absence of a condom or the presence of his socks was intended to mean.
Spitzer is a Harvard-educated lawyer who has been a prosecutor for a number of years. In that capacity, he has been hell on wheels when it comes to convicting wrongdoers. In his dealings with the Emperor’s Club, if he had suggested the use of the missionary position, the prostitutes would have had very little to report on his conduct. But no, Governor Spitzer demanded an extra service.
When William Jefferson Clinton was the President of the United States, there came an occasion when a young woman named Monica Lewinsky performed the same service on the 42nd President of the United States. This act was performed on the premises of what was once the home of Thomas Jefferson and Franklin Roosevelt. Mr. Clinton, who has now become a ward heeler extraordinaire, contended that he had no sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky because, he claimed that blow jobs fell outside the purview of sexual activities. In the eight years since Clinton has been out of office, I assume that he has been doing his penance for this stupid indiscretion. But judging by his conduct on the campaign trail for his wife, there are times when he seems to still enjoy moments of reckless abandon, such as playing the race card against Mrs. Clinton’s major opponent and implying that only Mrs. Clinton and Senator McCain were sufficiently patriotic to be President.
There is one other aspect that needs comment with respect to the issue of fellatio. There are frequent reports in the newspapers that teenage girls provide this service to their boyfriends. Psychologists who have interviewed such teenagers suggest that, to the extent that they have the
ability to reason at all, the girls imply that providing this service tends to keep the boyfriend and it also avoids the issue of pregnancy. If I may say so, stupidity is not the sole province of governors, former presidents and state legislators, but also for some teenage females.
Well, there you have my thoughts on French kissing and the doctrine of fellatio. I realize that some of you may consider these gamey subjects but they exist. Those radical Islamic fascist terrorists of the faith of Muhammedism contend that there is no homosexuality in either the Shiite or Sunni sect. Perhaps also they may have no French kissing or any issue about fellatio, but I doubt it!
Well, this is the double header that I promised you. While it may not be the stuff of bedtime stories, it has the virtue of touching on a governor, a former president, the Virginia legislature and some teenage girls of this era. There are two other thoughts that trouble me as I close this essay.
If my memory is halfway correct, the city of Washington DC has an 8% sales tax. If the former Governor Spitzer spent $4,300 on his encounter with Kristen, the prostitute, should the charges also include the failure to pay sales tax? In this case the sales tax would be substantial, amounting to more than $300. It seems to me that the citizens of Washington DC should not be denied this income from their visitors.
And finally, as much as I hope that the new governor of New York, Governor Paterson, is a success, I suspect that he will always be troubled with the thought that he gained that high office as a result of a blow job performed on Governor Spitzer.
And so I leave you with the thought that this essay was completed an instant before it could profane the memory of Saint Patrick. I suspect
that that great Saint knew very little about the subject matters of this essay. But if he were acquainted with French kissing and fellatio, the goodly Saint would offer his blessings to all of us who sin so terribly. At the conclusion of his blessing, it is quite likely that the Saint would say, “Erin go bragh.”
E. E. CARR
March 16, 2008
Essay 297
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Kevin’s commentary: Hahahahahahaha. Well this one was unexpected, though I guess not once I’d seen the title. Where to start? Aside from the fact that I can’t think of anyone else I know who has read an eight-page essay on this topic written by their grandparents. Or even a seven-page one. I might actually just be the only person this happens to, but that’s okay because this one was hysterical.