Simply put, I expect to be denounced and excoriated for the essay that is to follow. I am at a loss to tell you if being denounced is a greater penalty than being excoriated. But I can guarantee you that neither one is pleasant. As long as I am not castigated, I believe I can withstand denunciation.
A few years back in mixed company, I overheard a lovely woman saying that she expected to change her name. I took this to mean that she intended to be married. But this essay has a contrarian view on changing your name, hence the excoriation and the denunciations that are to be expected by this humble author.
Perhaps I am overcompensating for views expressed by an ancient folk song of American origin. The folk song is called “The Wagoneer’s Lad.” In these essays I have quoted the first stanza on two previous occasions. It reads:
Hard luck is the fortune of all womankind,
They are always controlled, always confined,
Controlled by their parents until they are wives,
And slaves to their husbands for the rest of their lives.
When the lovely woman expressed the view that she wished to change her name, a thought or two ran through my head and still remains there. Generally speaking, men at the time of marriage are older than their prospective wives. There can be an age differential of perhaps 20 years in some cases. In that event, if the woman looks far enough ahead, one might conclude that her fortunes will include widowhood before she takes her leave of this earth. But brides regularly accept this proposition.
As men age, their propensity for gaiety is diminished. Their medical needs are greatly increased. If I may be permitted a personal observation, it is that women age much better than men. I know that this is subject to ridicule but that is how it seems to this old geezer. And when men age, usually ungracefully, they demand more and more from their wives. The demands are rarely ever spoken about; the wives see that their husbands are in need. When that happens, the women are quick to respond to that need.
When you reduce the whole debate about changing your name, it seems to me that women always come out on the short end of the stick. Perhaps that is what the songwriter meant when he said, “Hard luck is the fortune of all womankind.” I know that there is the issue of protection and security in marriages and that is not at all to be discounted. But on the other hand, there is much to be said for a woman retaining her independence.
Are single women happier than married women? My guess is that, on balance, most married women would say that they are happier than their spinster sisters. And do I expect that there will be any decrease in the desire to change a woman’s name? Obviously, I believe that the answer is, finally, no. But I thought it was worthwhile to get my views on record in spite of the denunciations and excoriations that will inevitably follow.
In my own case, I am fully aware that as I age, there are many more of my personal requirements that must be met and my wife seems quite responsive in doing so. But that does not alter the fact that in meeting the needs of older men, women seem to me to be cheated. My wife meets my needs with great good cheer. I expect that is more than I would do if the situations were reversed. But the facts of the matter remain, that women still want to change their names. I can’t do anything about that except to point out the unfairness of it all to women.
So if excoriation and denunciations wait around the corner, I am ready to accommodate them. But I still think it was worth this essay to point out the unfairnesses that are the lot of married women. I rest my case and await the denunciations that might well follow.
E. E. CARR
February 4, 2010
Essay 437
~~~
Kevin’s commentary: I don’t see any need for denunciations here. I think women endure a lot worse unfairnesses than this particular one, however.
That said it can still be a pretty big frustration. I think even many women who don’t want to change their name ultimately wind up doing so for convenience. For instance, my mother wanted to remain a Carr and did so for many years, but once she had my older brother it became a problem with the various schools and extracurricular activities. I believe that several of such organizations thought she was a nanny or something instead of his mother.