“THAT CERTAIN PLACE”
Jake Haberfeld, Jerusalem~ 1983
Most Americans, particularly of the male gender, like to think of themselves as stand-up guys without a need to revert to nuances and/or euphemisms. There is nothing wrong with nuances and euphemisms, but there is also a virtue in calling things by their proper names.
For reasons unknown to me, and probably to anyone else, the nuances and euphemisms seem to abound in this country about the use of the word “toilet.” In the rest of the world, there is no embarrassment about asking a stranger the directions to the toilet. The toilet serves a very important function in our lives. Nonetheless, we go out of our way to use nuances and euphemisms to talk about it rather than use the word “toilet.” At the same time, other euphemisms have crept into American speech. The purpose of this small essay is to review a few of those euphemisms. I have no great objection to euphemisms or nuances. But in some cases they strangle the intent of the language.
Let us take the issue of the toilet. In Great Britain, which is the source of our language, polite society will often refer to the toilet as the “loo.” Why the “loo” is appropriate and the use of the word “toilet” should be avoided is beyond my current comprehension.
In this country, it is common for us to refer to the toilet as “the john.” This makes no sense whatsoever, since the use of the word “john” is widely understood and when one asks for directions, they are given immediately. Somehow or other, particularly Americans are prone to avoid the use of the word “toilet.” Maybe this essay will bring it back into fashionable use, but probably it will not.
My experience with euphemisms for the word “toilet” started early in life. In 1928 I started to school at the Forsythe Public School in Clayton, Missouri. The teacher was Miss Brantley, a prematurely gray-haired woman who was also motherly. On my first day or two in school, long before I could read or write, I felt a need to take care of relieving myself. I had picked a likely place with open doors and went into that room. Before any harm was done, Miss Brantley pounced on me like a hawk, and escorted me out. My instincts were appropriate in that this room contained a toilet, but the fact remains that it was the girls’ room. Mind you, it was not the girls’ toilet. The sign on the door said the “Girls’ Room.” Miss Brantley took me to the room next door, and explained that boys such as myself were supposed to use the boys’ room.
She told me that in short order I would learn to read, but in the meantime I should look for the large capital letter “B” as in boys’ room which would take me to the proper place for what I had intended to do. Curiously, some 84 years later in this house in Short Hills, New Jersey, I have almost always referred to the toilet as “the boys’ room.” Good old Miss Brantley made her mark.
When I went to work as a youngster in the filling station business in the 1930s, we often had a room devoted to the toilet which was called “the restroom.” My recollection is that in the large Mobil gas station run by Carl Shroth, there were two toilets. One of course was designated “the ladies’ room” and the other was “the men’s room.” I took another job in the filling station business with Eddie Williams which had only one room devoted to this purpose. It was called “the restroom.” Nobody went there to rest. It was used mostly by delivery people bringing packages from the major stores in St. Louis to the suburbs. They would interrupt their frenetic runs to use the toilet in the filling station. I can assure you that they never rested in that location. This was the Depression and the department stores could give their delivery people an almost impossible load of packages to deliver. The fact that they were able to use our restroom or “john” made life more enjoyable for the delivery men.
There are two other euphemisms for the room that houses the toilet. One is the “bathroom,” even though showers have largely displaced the bath tub. The second euphemism is the “powder room.” Men such as the author of Ezra’s essays are disinclined to use that term. Perhaps those who use those two terms feel a bit more elegant rather than calling it the toilet. I am neutral in this dispute.
Finally, we go for the last citation on toilets to Jerusalem. On this occasion, I had invited Kim Armstrong, who was Director of Advertising for Long Lines of AT&T, as well as Tom Maxey, the Vice President from M. W. Ayer, to accompany Jim Hurley and myself on a visit to the Israeli Telecommunications Authority. Jake Haberfeld was the most gentle man in the world, which covered a fierce determination to destroy the Nazis. Jake was one of the first men to assist the Zionist Movement in Palestine. At this point, Jake was the dominant figure in the Israeli Telecommunications Authority. My essays have revealed a great affection on my part for Jake.
In any event, after Jim and I had taken Kim Armstrong and the Vice President of the advertising agency to a meeting with Jake, there came a time for a break in the proceedings. Jake knew that Kim Armstrong was new to Jerusalem, and so as the meeting broke up, he approached Kim and said to her, “Would you like to go to that certain place?” Obviously, what Jake had in mind was the ladies’ toilet. Kim Armstrong gave Jake the appropriate response but later we had a good bit to laugh at because of Jake’s politeness. And now we return from Mr. Haberfeld and Israel to domestic locations here in New York.
At fancy New York hotels, the word “toilet” never appears. The proper word is “restroom.” I am informed by Miss Chicka, my wife, that in those fancy hotels, the restroom consists of two rooms. One is for the business of taking care of what needs to be done. An adjoining room is usually equipped with a sofa. My sinister mind tells me that is why the women take so long to attend to their duties in the restroom. Being a proper gentleman, I have never seen this arrangement, so I will have to rely on Miss Chicka for her description of what goes on in the restroom.
On the men’s side, in some hotels in the 1950s or thereabouts, there was an occupation having to do with the passing of hand towels to gentlemen who used the toilet facilities. There was an occasion when The New York Times celebrated the retirement of such a person handing out towels on his fiftieth anniversary. The procedure was that one accepted a towel after washing one’s hands and a tip would be given to the gentleman passing out the towels. I can only say that the occupation of passing out towels in the men’s room was a unique one. I never aspired to do that job but it is pleasant to know that men can find many ways to make a living in the great city of New York.
I am also told by Miss Chicka that there were places such as night clubs where there were females who handed out the towels to users of the toilet. In one case, she observed that a woman had brought a small dog to the toilet with her and had asked the attendant handing out the towels to watch her dog while she concluded her business. There is a correction to this story in that club. Miss Chicka now informs me that she wanted the ladies’ room attendant to watch her dog while she went to have her dinner. Boys, I think that this is going beyond the call of duty.
Well, so much for euphemisms as they apply to the toilet. Euphemisms don’t end there. There is a certain coarseness to the phrase, “I am eating.” The proper euphemistic response would be, “I am now dining.” This may not make the food taste any better but it is always better to use the proper phrase for dining.
Finally it seems to me that there are more euphemisms for the dying process than I ever imagined. Dying is a natural part of life but I can understand the grievers who would refer to it in a euphemistic manner. One of the best obituaries I have read says, “Asleep in the arms of Jesus.” The fact is that the man died. Then there is the famous quotation from Frances Kaplan Licht. When my great and good friend Irving Licht died, there were those who told Frances that she had “lost” her husband. Frances’s response was eloquent. She said, “I didn’t lose him; he died.” I believe that more such eloquence should be a part of our language as spoken by Americans.
Well, those are my thoughts on euphemisms as they apply to the restroom and to dying or “passing on.” I am certain that euphemisms make the speaker feel a little bit better. If that is what it takes to make people a bit more happy, I am all in favor of it. But I will always remember my great and good friend Jake Haberfeld who asked Kim Armstrong whether she wanted to “go to that certain place.” That may be the euphemism to end all euphemisms.
My great regret is that Jake Haberfeld and my first grade teacher Miss Brantley never got together. It would give me supreme pleasure to hear Jake Haberfeld sing Miss Brantley’s favorite song, which was,
Good morning to you,
Good morning to you.
We’re all in our places with sunshiney faces.
Good morning Miss Brantley.
It was my pleasure to know both Miss Brantley and Jake Haberfeld, the squire of Jerusalem. And if Jake wants to call the toilet “That certain place”, I will accept that as a good usage of the English language.
E. E. CARR
November 2, 2010
Essay 509
Postscript: There are two euphemisms for the toilet that must be registered. My friends who served in the American Navy would never forgive me without my mentioning the fact that in the Navy, the toilet was called “the head.” I am at a loss as to what that term really means, but I am also at a loss when so many of us refer to the toilet as “the John.” Now to my Navy friends, I am forced to point out that in the American Army during the Second World War era, the toilet was always referred to in official documents, as “the latrine.” Latrine is a French sounding word which is much more elegant than the Naval term, “the head.” So take that, you Navy guys.
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Kevin’s commentary: I am starting to feel like there should be a whole separate “bathroom” category on Ezra’s Essays. Certainly if my mother had a series of essays, that one would feature prominently.