I am well aware of the fact that the three essayettes to follow may be called a trio of essayettes. But I have elected not to do that. I have elected to call them a polygamy of essayettes.
There is nothing wrong with trio or, if there is a fourth essay, calling it a quartette. What I am trying to do is to broaden the definition of polygamy which at the moment is confined to the Mormon Church. An examination of the definition of polygamy seems to say that when men and women have multiple spouses, it is called polygamy. But that is a grave misnomer because there is no record of women acquiring multiple husbands. The bigger intent seems to be when men acquire multiple wives, as in the case of the Mormons. What I am trying to do is to bring back the definition of polygamy to include several somethings, whether it is wives or essayettes. This seems to me to be a noble pursuit and I will ask my friend Sven Lernevall of Stockholm, Sweden to submit it for a prize from the Nobel Committee.
The first essayette has to do with Evangelical Protestant churches in this country addressing fellow worshippers as “sister” and “brother.” In the beginning, my parents attended Southern Baptist churches, Pentecostal churches, Nazarene churches, and, finally, there was an interlude when we attended the Free Will Baptist Church. As I have told you before, when I was a small boy my parents compelled me to attend these churches and I loathed every moment of the experience.
But there is one thing that I brought away from this churchly experience. These four churches or congregations generally referred almost exclusively to each other as brothers and sisters. It made no difference whether the congregants were on speaking terms with the brothers and sisters. Typically in these churches, the pastor was addressed as “brother.” In those days of the late 1920s and 1930s, there were no such things as female pastors. I suppose that the church goers wished to underline their plebian roots.
In these churches there were absolutely no aristocratic tendencies at all. In the uptown churches, the preacher was uniformly called a doctor of some sort. I am speaking here about the Protestant churches with no reference whatsoever to the Catholic or Jewish faiths. My thought was that the brother of the flock in worshipping and the congregants would always refer to each other as brother and sister.
That was not a total loss for me personally. In my case I find that over the years I have often used the term “brother” in the course of a conversation. It comes very naturally to me. At one supermarket, the manager of the fish division is a Haitian. His name is Yves. Somehow or other, Yves and I hit it off immediately. I suspect that the reason was that in our first encounter he referred to me as “brother.” In non-church situations such as the encounter with Yves, I am very happy to be referred to as “brother.”
So you see that as I have gone through this long life, I suppose that I have retained one of the customs of my former days as an unwilling participant in church services. During my long career with AT&T, there was a man whom I detested intensely. He came nearly at the end of my career with AT&T and he carried the reputation as a back-stabber. I found him to be all of that.
However, he frequently used the term “brother.” I never returned that designation to that colossal fraud. But he was an anomaly and all things considered I have no objection to the use of the terms “brother” and “sister.” For the record, I have never used the term “sister” referring to a female. But if the indictment is that I have used the term “brother,” I plead guilty on all counts.
For the second essayette, let us go to the issue of multiple homes. For a time, I was an associate of a gentleman who had a home in the Poconos and a second home in Myrtle Beach. It seems to me that having two homes to take advantage of climate differences is acceptable. However this gentleman – and he was a gentleman – complained that whenever he was missing an important paper it was always in the other home. That must have been a turn-off for him. In my case, I have lived in only a single residence at a time.
On the other hand, wealthy individuals seem to regard it as a status symbol to have several residences. The reason here is that one of the Democratic contenders for the Presidency had at least four or five homes. He was the man who married into the fortune of the Heinz Foundation, so I give him a very small pass. John Kerry was his name. On the other hand, John McCain was asked about his homes situation and he could not really remember. I believe that Senator McCain and his wife had 11 homes. The current contender for the Republican nomination is a gentleman named Mitt Romney who is a bit of a piker in that he only owns four or five homes.
When the dust has settled, I really have no objection to people owning multiple homes. On the other hand, it has not occurred to me in this long life that I needed a second or third or fourth home. Can you imagine what Senator McCain or the Democratic contender who had five or six homes would do if he lost an important piece of paper? For example in the case of Mitt Romney, he seems to own houses in New Hampshire and/or California. What would he do if a piece of paper were lost? Would he have to visit each of his homes in an effort to locate that piece of paper?
Those are my thoughts on multiple homes. I have never seen the need to invest in a second or third or fourth home. The fact of the matter is that I could not afford the second, third or fourth home. But I remain baffled as to why someone needs four or five homes. I suppose that it makes cocktail chatter interesting to say that I lost my piece of paper either in New Hampshire or California etc. But I am not into the cocktail circuit chatter and I will let the matter rest as to why people need multiple residences.
And now we turn and finally we come to the matter of different shoes. For several years I have bought sneakers from a place called The Sneaker Factory. It is an unpretentious place on the main street of Millburn, New Jersey. The clerks at the Sneaker Factory seem to know what they are doing.
I have observed that the cost of the sneakers in the years that I have been buying them has gone from about $45 to more than $90.
When my last pair of sneakers, which I use on the treadmill and in all of my exercise activities, began to show signs of wear, I visited the Sneaker Factory one more time. The Sneaker Factory had ordered me a pair of size 13½ sneakers, which I needed because the older sneakers were pinching my toes. Unbeknownst to me, the last pair of sneakers I bought were highly decorative. As you know, I am blind so one pair of sneakers is very much like another one. In this case, the man at the Sneaker Factory sold me a pair of sneakers that must be something to celebrate. As best as I can determine, the sneakers have brilliant red soles and the upper shoe is fairly extravagant with a few colors. But red is the predominant color of the trim. Mind you, all of this makes no difference to me as to the color situation because I see nothing.
The first day I wore the new sneakers, I accompanied my wife, Miss Chicka, on a shopping expedition to the Whole Foods store located in this town. I am acquainted with a good number of the people who work there. None of them had much to say until, at the end of our visit, we talked with Alrick S, an old friend. I am not quite sure about Alrick’s position with the Whole Foods Corporation. He seems to be a clerk of some magnitude. When he saw me with brand new sneakers, he simply said, “Those are pimp shoes!” My only retort was that if I was wearing pimp shoes, when would I start getting paid like a pimp?
But that was not the end of the story. There was Jackie, a husky woman, who appeared on the scene. Jackie is a long-time friend and when Alrick pointed to my new shoes, she agreed that they were, in fact, pimp shoes. She advised me that I should take them home and cut them into small pieces and throw the pimp shoes away. Jackie is a very good friend and I hesitated to tell her that I would do no such thing.
As for Alrick, he is a Jamaican. He served in the Jamaican army and was stationed in Great Britain. Over the years, I have questioned Alrick about the Jamaican army’s method of saluting which involves a sidewise gesture which could result in inserting the thumb into the ear of the soldier saluting. I have never contended that our forces were superior because of their method of saluting.
Nevertheless, old Alrick still contends that I should rid myself of the pimp shoes. In that quest, he is joined by Jackie.
I hope that you can see that I treasure my friendship with Alrick and with Jackie. They are real people and I suspect that if I were in trouble, they would be among the first to come to my aid. But on this Sunday afternoon, I am clad in my pimp shoes. I will continue to wear them until I get paid like a regular pimp.
And so we come to the end of this polygamy of essayettes. I should have warned you at the beginning that none of them had any relation to the ones that followed them. Each one stands on its own. But more than anything else, I hope that you will use the term polygamy to identify things that come in multiples. I should have told Alrick and Jackie that I was going to buy two more of the pimp shoes so that I could use the term polygamy.
And so I leave you with three essayettes which I hope that you will find inspiring. If at the end you find them uninspiring, you can go to the Millburn Whole Foods Market and consult with Alrick and Jackie. I am quite certain that you will come away from that conversation inspired or at least laughing. You should also go to the Sneaker Factory and try to find some pimp shoes for yourself.
E. E. CARR
May 13, 2012
Essay 655
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A long essay, clocking in at 1800 words, so it’s the only one I’ll upload today. I’m wondering if I should change some names to protect the innocent, so to speak. Judy tells me that that will become necessary sometimes if I am to continue uploading these, and I see no problem with that.
I also wonder if, now that Pop has a way of broadcasting his thoughts to the whole entire internet, his suggestions for additions to commonly-used English will take off. I certainly hope they will.