Three non-breaking news items have occurred in recent weeks and they constitute the essence of this essay. In the past few weeks we have been met by an invasion of breaking news from Washington as well as from itinerant politicians. All things considered, the breaking news has had its share of attention. The burden of this essay is to prove that non-breaking news has its value as well.
This is a three-part essay. The first two parts will deal with subjects which were raised in previous essays. The third part will have to do with an undertaker whose desires to put my corpse away have yet been unmet.
Let us start at the beginning of the three subjects at hand. You may recall that last year I wrote an essay having to do with the sale of the house next door. You may also recall that attached to the “for sale” sign was an addendum that said, “I’m gorgeous inside.” Now you will also recall that in my background I have had a period of bargaining with labor unions. Immediately the sign on the addendum brings the thought that, “Yes, you may be gorgeous inside, but what about the outside?” I suspect that the owner of the house for sale wanted to call attention to the beauty of the inside of the house as distinguished from the outside. At the same time, the owner of the house had gone to great lengths to remodel the house, which resulted in what my sons-in-law have suggested was an abortion of the architecture. But at any rate the house was offered for sale for a figure of close to two million dollars and placed on the market last year in mid-April.
Spring came and went, followed by summer coming into view, followed by fall. The spring, summer, and fall were natural events and were not associated with the house next door. These are natural events that occur almost every year, winter being followed by spring, being followed by summer, being followed by fall and winter again.
The fact is that the house with the gorgeous inside apparently did not move buyers. In point of fact, there was one open house and then the house lingered on the market until nearly Christmas time, at which time it was withdrawn from the offering for sale. This spring, on April 1st, the house was put back on the market. After one month, there has been an open house and the house has not been sold. And so, for better or worse, the house with the little less than a two million dollar price tag has not moved. Apparently the owner thought he might have better results on the second time around.
But the first part of this three-part essay is to inform my readers that, after a year and a half, the house remains unsold and that it is the first piece of non-breaking news that I have to offer. So if one of my readers happens to have approximately two million dollars to buy this house, he will have the exquisite pleasure of living next door to me. When the house finally moves on the market, that would constitute breaking news. But at the moment, the house is in its second season for sale and nothing has happened sale-wise. Accordingly that is the first piece of non-breaking news that I have to offer in this essay.
The second non-breaking news has to do with the outdoor toilet on the front lawn of the corner house directly across from our place. You may recall that in a previous essay written last summer, I reviewed some of the sample offerings from outdoor toilet rentals. There was one company that marketed its products under the heading of “Pointers and Setters” and another which was “Johnny on the Spot.” From what we are able to determine, the outdoor toilet across the street on the front lawn is owned by the “Johnny on the Spot” providers.
The house on the corner with the outdoor privy on the front lawn was sold to the current owners for a price of two million dollars about five years ago. It was advertised as the home “with five bathrooms.” It was bought by a couple from Summit, New Jersey who had only one child. The wife and the child would have a plethora of bathrooms to choose from. The point I am making here is that this lovely residence has five bathrooms which would seem to be more than enough to satisfy this family and their guests. But then last summer in July or August, the family must have decided that they needed radiant heating in the household. The radiant heaters showed up with a crew of four or five men and brought the outside privy with them. The outside privy or the “Johnny on the Spot” to be more specific, has remained ever since. In spite of the fact that the house has five internal bathrooms, it now has a sixth bathroom or privy on its exterior.
The radiant heating installers have come and left. Apparently the owner has decided that she needs a lot of other work to be done on this lovely residence and the outdoor bathroom remains. Now bear in mind this neighborhood with houses ranging from the two million mark upwards reflects a degree of elegance. Our house is older and does not reflect the degree of elegance of having bathrooms plus one outside bathroom to announce to the world. But the non-breaking news is that after nine months the outdoor privy remains across the street on the front lawn. The fact is that it gets plenty of use. Every postman in the neighborhood stops by to use it. All of the delivery guys make it a point to come by Long Hill Drive to relieve themselves. There are not many hitchhikers in this territory but I suppose that if there were hitchhikers, they would use the bathroom as well.
The outhouse does not lack for maintenance features. The owner of the outhouse comes by periodically to flush out the commodes. As you can tell, cleanliness is a highly desirable feature here in the town of Short Hills. But the point I am making is that this two million dollar house with radiant heating has five bathrooms and one outdoor privy. If the indoor bathrooms are maintained as well as the outdoor bathroom, this house would qualify for a superior rating.
Now nine months or thereabouts have gone by since the radiant heating guys showed up last summer. There is no indication that the outhouse will be removed soon. Quite to the contrary, the indications are that the outhouse may become a permanent fixture on the front lawn of the corner house across the street. The fact that the outhouse remains constitutes the second part of the non-breaking news from Long Hill Drive.
The third part of our non-breaking news has to do with an undertaker. In 1994 Miss Chicka, my wife, and I visited a funeral parlor to attend the viewing of a colleague that we had worked with for several years. Miss Chicka and I agreed, leaving the funeral parlor, that the viewing of a dead corpse is an uninviting custom. So we set out to do something about it. That afternoon on the way home we stopped to see Paul Ippolito who runs a funeral establishment in Summit, New Jersey, the next town over. Ippolito quoted a price for removing our dead bodies when death overtakes us and transporting them to the cremation facility. If my memory is correct, Ippolito quoted us a price of $1300 each. Ippolito also specified that the money would be invested and that he hoped that the interest would be added to the account so that at the time of our demise there would be plenty of money to cover the retrieval of our remains and get us cremated.
Remember that that was in 1994 and this year we paid our taxes for 2011. Apparently the money is going swimmingly and there will be enough for Paul Ippolito to remove the bodies and take them to the crematorium. Each year, the people administering the burial fund advise us of how much we owe in taxes because of the interest that has been paid. Whether or not this is a good deal remains to be seen but I have no inclination to try to figure that out.
The third piece of the non-breaking news is that Paul Ippolito has not been around to collect one or both bodies. Ippolito seems to be a decent fellow and he has told us that he is a patient man. Consequently the third piece of non-breaking news is that we are still here and Ippolito has not sprung into action to get both of us cremated.
So the fact of the matter is that there are three non-breaking news stories that exist here on Long Hill Drive. There is the fact that the house which is so gorgeous has not been sold. Secondly, the house across the street is now nearing its second year with the outdoor privy on its front lawn. And thirdly, there is the un-breaking news that Paul Ippolito, the friendly undertaker, has nothing to do but to wait for us.
As I said at the beginning, it seems to me that along with the breaking news such as Osama being shot, we ought to have a category of the news which is non-breaking. And so I have offered this three-part essay to demonstrate what a non-breaking news story would constitute. All things considered, it strikes me that non-breaking news has many virtues and I would urge you to consider those virtues as you tend to the news of the day.
E. E. CARR
May 9, 2011
Essay 564
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Kevin’s commentary:
I should very much like updates from Pop on these two bits of non-breaking news, now that more than a year has passed.
For my own part, my non-breaking news is that the heat in the home which I inhabit remains off, for mysterious reasons. Perhaps my landlord believes that a forty-degree home builds character. Thank god for space heaters.